It's Autumn! And although it is actually one of my favourite times of year, the dreadful weather and constant feeling of being cold, damn and just generally like I shouldn't be in this country, means my tolerance for all things slightly irritating is being very quickly chewed down to the core. So here is a triple whammy of belligerent ramblings for you on this cold autumnal evening...

Inverse vampires

This is definitely not a cool as it may sound, because this is actually a rant about morning people. They're like inverse vampires in that they only come out at sunrise and instead of feasting on blood, they walk around merrily with the days tabloids under their arm. And, no matter who you are, or what you look like, they will always say “Good morning” or a variation.

Now, I really enjoy this and only discovered it the other day when I found myself (out of boredom for being up so early) buying a paper on a Sunday morning. Now I was not dressed for niceties, but even though I looked like some free loading, drug addled waster (I emphasise LOOK LIKE) they still said good morning to me anyway.

Compare this attitude for when you get past around 8am. Even when you look presentable, people cower from any kind of discourse with you, and barely make eye contact let alone say hello. I get quite irritated by people who shuffle past you like you some kind of leper, desperately trying to get away from you before the hideous tedium that is social conduct is adopted. I wondered about this quite a bit (because my life is quite unfulfilling) and decided that perhaps it was due to the lack of this magic phrase “mornin'”. You see unlike hello, or y'aright or hey, good morning is something that you can say at someone, and whether or not you respond that is where the engagement ends. No one wants to talk to strangers, but it is nice to actually say something at them, to show a bit of courtesy. If we had a phrase that we could use throughout the day, maybe we would, and maybe the world would seem less hostile. “Afternoon” or “Evening” do exist, but they reek too much of the kind of pleasantries you'd read in Sherlock Holmes, and generally feel out of place is spoken to a stranger on the street. Maybe Oxford English Dictionary should get on it, and invent a new word for us. I will be waiting....

Pools

Yeah, ok, this is a serious can of fucking worms that frankly I've done well to keep shut till now. For those of you who know me, you should read this in my 'quite loud, funny but with a hint of murder' voice because I am all kinds of fed up of this.

So I go to the gym, and at my gym is a fairly moderate sized pool, it's big enough for about 6 people to swim side by side....however you can't get 6 people swimming side by side because that, would be an impossibility. Let's get the easy one out of the way, children. I don't mind children in pools as much as you might imagine, yes they annoy me but I'm not ready to ban children from ever having fun (I'm saving that for Christmas). But, what I do hate is when children are sort of thrashing around in the middle of the pool, either get out of the fucking way or get out! Ever tried swimming in a sort of P shape? It isn't easy.

The thing that really annoys me are the drifters. You know the ones, the ones that thing BEING in a pool is exercise. They sort of stand there at one end, looking around. You can't swim in “their” lane because you would be swimming at them, which invokes all kinds of social awkwardness that I don't even want to go into. If you're in the pool, fucking use it. Or don't just stand there chatting away to whoever you're with, you can do that ANYWHERE.

Finally, women who don't like to get their hair wet. IF you don't want to get your hair wet, fine. Going into a pool is just the risk you take. Don't expect me to act any differently than I normally would around you. Definitely DON'T glare at me when I start doing front crawl, and splashing everything in sight. These are probably the same people who don't like the mud at Glastonbury, it's only hair, it's not the end of the fucking world.

Homoeostasis

Or, why my body sometimes gets really confused. So, I'm a big biology/science nerd and I believe that evolution and nature is a remarkable thing. Through random mutations and natural selection pressures there are some incredible creatures in the world, that do amazing things. We are certainly one of them, I mean, just look around you. Other animals still haven't figured out how to masturbate, and we're here making it into an artform....but enough about me. My point is that, despite humans abilities there are sometimes when, frankly, we get it wrong. And my least favourite example of this, in that I HATE it when it happens, is cold sweating.

You know that feeling, when you're freezing cold, and all you want is to be wrapped up in bed and set on fire. BUT you're wonderfully clever body is saying that you're actually really hot and therefore need to sweat to lower your body temperature. It's basically your body being horrible to you, a bit like when it tells you you're falling from a tree when you're in bed, or when you bite the inside of your mouth (again and again and again).

I do wish I could communicate better with my body and maybe tell it to either stop sweating, or just stop sending signals to my brain that my skin is cold, and yet my organs are apparently melting!