listen,,, DRACO IS SO EXTRA I LOVE MY TRASH SON ur liveblogging is honestly amazing

HE IS I LOVE HIM MY SMALL PRISSY CHILD and thank u 

courfreyacc replied to your post “dvd is gonna end and i’m SAD this only leaves two of my four fav tv...”

don't get sad get angry because I am angry you're so cute fuck off

let me love u 

54. When was the last time you thought you were beautifuljust now cos u told me i was x

Death is a child. 

The first one that Bones could not save. 

Her name was Rebecca and she had the same blue eyes that Jim does. 

Death holds her palm inches from Jim’s face but doesn’t take her marble eyes off of Bones. 

“I could take him, you know.” She says. 

Bones voice is a rasp when he says, “I know.” The causal rasp from choking on his own breath and the guttural noise that is crawling it’s way out of his throat, has been ever since they rolled the body bag in. 

“You did your best.” She says. 

He can’t agree to that. His best is certainly not this. Not even close. 

“What do you want?” Bones asks. He can’t focus on her eyes anymore because it’s causing his ribs to crack, his heart to swell and burst, his throat to collapse like a twisted straw--they’re too much like Jim’s. He’s bound to never see them again. 

He wants to say, Take me instead. Take me too. Let me follow. 

She smiles. Of course, death can read minds. “I will make you a deal, Leonard Horatio McCoy.”

He is silent. He does not look at Jim. 

“I will ask you this. What are you willing to give up in order that he may live?”

The answer to that, Bones knows, is everything. 

-

Ensign Tully collapses the day Jim opens his eyes. 

He had nearly lost his leg when the Enterprise plummeted to Earth--minutes before Jim could save them.

They had him fit for a new limb, his spirits were up and his parents were on their way from off-planet to visit. 

Bones didn’t realize until later when he saw Death in the hallway, where Tully’s mother had fallen sideways and his father could barely hold them both up. 

She nodded at Bones. 

Debt paid.

-

A rebel puts a bullet in the back of Jim’s head as he was shaking hands with the Delegation leader of Arbus V. 

Bones throws up inches from the grey matter of Jim’s brain, hands shaking so bad that he misses his face completely as he tries to wipe off the blood. 

Death sits down next them as chaos erupts around them--Spock tackling the Rebel, Hendorff screaming into his comm for a beam up, the room lighting up with blasts from phasers and antique weaponry and all Bones can think is--I’m wearing my husband’s blood. He needs it. Why am I wearing it?

“Doctor?” Death blinks up at him. 

“Anything.” He whispers. 

-

Chekov dies from a shoulder wound he sustained while trying to drag Bones away from Jim’s body. 

The Crew wipe away the miracle that is Jim’s resurrection while wandering the corridors, loss heavy and quiet and dull and Bones has nightmares of Chekov asking him “Was it worth it, Doctor?”

-

Lenore Karidian smuggles herself onto the Ship while they’re celebrating Chekov’s life on Risa. 

She slits Jim’s throat in their own quarters and smears blood on the walls. 

For my father, she writes. 

She shoots herself with Jim’s phaser and it’s that sound that echoes through the Crew’s quarters, where Bones is helping Sulu get into bed--Sulu who is a mirror to how Bones feels, who’s lost everything and has nothing left, who is so far gone and will never understand why he did--when Bones charges into the hallways. 

He knows before he get to their quarters. To see his arms and legs akimbo, the blood spray on their sheets, on the carpet, on Lenore. 

Their hands are almost touching. 

Spock is blocking the doorway as the rest of the crew run down the hallway, halting almost comically in front of them. 

Nyota pushes past him enough, his shoulders are slumped and his face is green grass, his fists clenched. She screams and he grabs her, spinning her around and into the hallway as they collapse, like Ensign Tully’s parents. 

Scotty hits his head on the doorway as he vomits. It’s the red of the ale they were drinking. 

Bones looks for Death. He knows she’s around here somewhere. 

-

Carol tries and fails to disarm the bomb that Lenore planted in the transporter room and the whole ship seizes with the explosion. 

There is nothing left to send home to her mother. 

Bones curls in bed around Jim and pretends he has no hand in this tragedy. 

-

Jim says, “I met a little girl today.” He gasps as he says it. Bones can’t see but he thinks his ribs are broken.

They’re locked in the ready room of the ship, hijacked and left for dead. Extremists are planning on flying the ship into the Neutral Zone. They want to start a war.

Bones has a concussion. There are two of Jim and both are blurry, fuzzy halos of light. 

“What did she say?” Bones’s words are one long slur. But Jim understands anyway. 

“I can end this.”

Bones wants to say, Don’t leave me. Don’t go. Take me with you.

“I’m sorry.”

“I would have done the same.”

Bones thinks about it. Or tries to. “You would have died first.”

Jim is silent. He gets up. There are three Jim shaped blobs now. They’re tinged red. He leans over and kisses Bones on the forehead. It tickles.

“I love you, Bones.” He whispers it. Just for them to hear.

And he kicks the door open. And walks onto the Bridge.