Hi! I just finished A Power Unbound and it's utterly consumed me. Crushed me tenderly you might say. I have so many emotions about it, but there was one section in particular that actually almost made me burst into tears with how *seen* it made me feel:
"The past could turn you into a strip of paper with a single side, so that comfort and vulnerability slid away down invisible channels and couldn't be grasped. Except, perhaps, if you bent your will towards unlearning your own history. If you let yourself soften and be porous. Even if only like this, in silence, and at an angle."
I don't particularly identify with any of the characters in this trilogy (as wonderful and deep and absolutely gorgeous as they all are). But that part struck me right between the ribs. I'm still learning to be porous, myself.
Thank you for this beautiful series. I've reread the first two books multiple times now, but I can tell APU is going to be the one with the most bent spine and dog-eared pages of them all. I sincerely look forward to enjoying anything you write in the future!
oh, thank you. that was one of my favourite paragraphs and I fiddled with the wording more than usual, because it was important to me that the imagery was exact. it's so much easier to be slippery and elusive. one of my favourite character arcs, for my own books and those of others, is to find the person or people or moment that forces someone to settle & soften; to let the vulnerability begin to work, even if it's scary.
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Rating: T
Pairing: Combeferre/Courfeyrac
Fandom: Les Mis
Word Count: 2.2k
[Also on AO3]
Summary:Â Combeferre doesn't often agree to being set up on blind dates, but when he does they generally go poorly. But being set up with the WRONG blind date is certainly new.
For @courfalicious, whoâs birthday is today, and is also lovely and sweet as spun sugar and infinitely patient <3333 hope you enjoy booÂ
Combeferre shouldâve never agreed to this. He feels stupid sitting alone, dressed up (if you could even call it dressed up when itâs only a crisp button up under a new sweater vest. The excuse to buy a new sweater vest is the only part about this whole charade he likes,) and picking at the bread basket nervously. He doesnât even know why heâs nervous. Itâs only been⌠well, a while, since heâs been on a proper date; let alone a date heâs actually aware heâs onâBahorel might never let that go. That sort of thing could happen to anyone!
He checks his watch again, folding up his sleeves in the process because nerves always make his clothes feel a bit stuffy. His date is late. Very late. Of course he is. This is what happens when he lets his friends set him up on blind dates and he doesnât know why he allows it. Knowing his luck, the guy might not even show up. He texts Enjolras as much, frowning when Enjolras has little in the way of encouragement. Heâs not even sure why heâd texted Enjolras with this. Feuilly wouldâve been a better choice.
Heâs just about to when the door to the little restaurant flies open, bringing the late February breeze with it and⌠a rumpled young man. He has rosy cheeks, his curls askew, and grins two parts frazzled and one part apologetic at the Host. The young manâs coat is undone and his scarf looped incorrectly.
Combeferre is a little charmed. In a detached, uninvested sort of way.
Heâs still looking, completely uninterested of course in this whirl-wind of a human being, when the man looks around and locks eyes with him. A mistake, because then he makes his way over to Combeferreâs table with a careful smile and says, âSorry, but Iâm supposed to be meeting someone? Iâm Courfeyrac?â as he offers his hand.
Combeferre takes it because heâs not sure what else to do. Courfeyrac looks so hopeful, and the name is ringing a vague bell, so maybeâŚ
âCombeferre,â he replies, offering a polite smile in return and gestures to the other chair. So his blind date isnât so bad looking; objectively, of course.
Thereâs a curious look in Courfeyracâs eye, a tilt to his head that seems befuddled by something, but in the end just says, âIâm late,â cowed and somehow not at all as he finally settles with great fanfare.
âVery,â Combeferre confirms. But his smile turns a little more genuine and doesnât apologize about the empty break basket. Courfeyrac doesnât mention it. âSo, our meddling friends. What did they promise you with to come?â
âNothing, actually. Thought itâd be fun.â Courfeyrac grins cheeky, leaning across the table. âIâm offended you were forced here. My company and radiant visage not enough?â
Combeferre leans across to meet him and plucks a dead leaf from his hair, showing it to Courfeyrac, who shows off a set of dimples. âIâm not usually fond of blind dates, youâll have to forgive me. They never work out.â
Courfeyrac hums and picks up his menu, pretending to give it great consideration before peering over the top. âUsually?â
Combeferre shrugs one shoulder and doesnât answer. No sense getting ahead of himself. This is far less awkward than heâd expected, much less than any of the ones Jehanâs set him up with before. In fact, Courfeyrac is nothing like Jehan described; much more open and light, taller than anticipated, and his skin has the warmth he sees mainly when visiting Spain. But this⌠might be fun, if nothing else.
And it is. They order, and then Courfeyrac is leaning close again, fascinated with his tattoos of the solar system up one arm. He pokes and prods certain lines, asking questions and nothing less than fawning, honestly. They sip wine and pick at their dinner, more focused on talking about classes and interests and their friends.
âBossuet is my matchmaker, so thatâs why I was late,â Courfeyrac says around his bite, gesturing wildly with his fork. As if that means anything, and at Combeferre lifting an eyebrow, he elaborates, âHe gave me the wrong address and then got your name wrong, too. But that may be error in translation from⌠Jehan, you said?â
And then later, Combeferre asking, âWait so⌠youâre not studying particle physics?â
âGod no,â Courfeyrac answers, hand to his chest like the thought has frightened him half to death. âWhat on earth would give you that idea? Iâm in the arts.â
âOh. Itâs just⌠Jehan said⌠never mind,â Combeferre says. Heâs got a rising suspicion about all this, but is having too nice of a time to think too hard about it. He asks instead what section of the arts Courfeyrac is interested in and what heâs been doing with it thus far.
He was never planning on staying too long, wasnât planning on getting so caught up in Courfeyracâs sparkling eyes and the animated way he tells stores and often peppers speech with little, casual touches. But itâs hard not to, Courfeyrac is a whirlwind. He stays for dessert, another glass of wine, long after their plates have been cleared away and Courfeyrac insists on paying to make up for his tardiness. They stay longer than most of the other patrons, until Combeferre notices their waiter giving them looks and gently redirecting Courfeyrac out onto the street.
Offering to walk him home is only polite, and has nothing to do with the way Courfeyrac throws his head back when he laughs and needs someone to fix his scarf periodically. And certainly not at all related to how Courfeyrac is a tactile person, and expectedly lets his hand brush Combeferreâs as they walk. Theyâve had such a nice time Combeferre barely second-guesses reaching back, hands chilled with the low temperature but warm between their palms.
Itâs easy. Courfeyrac is far too easy to be around, especially when he makes his intentions blindingly clear (Combeferre, with a track record for missing hints and openings, is pathetically relieved for this,) and smiles at Combeferre in that beseeching way he does. They take the long way through the park at Courfeyracâs behest, and itâs well past dark when they find themselves at Courfeyracâs doorstep.
They stand together, quiet and companionable for a long moment; Combeferre glancing up at the stars, and Courfeyrac glancing over at him.
âI had fun tonight,â Courfeyrac says, jostling Combeferreâs hand.
âMe too,â he admits. He canât help returning the smile. Courfeyracâs gaze flits down to his mouth, fast but unmistakable, and Combeferre inhales a little quick. Oh. âMay I?â he asks, lifting his free hand to hover at the edge of Courfeyracâs jaw, not quite touching. Not yet.
âGod I wish you would,â Courfeyrac breathes out in a rush. And then theyâre kissing, neither sure which moved first, just that Combeferre is careful, and Courfeyrac is humming and opening everything up faster than Combeferre usually does, but itâs not surprising somehow. It fits Courfeyrac.
Combeferreâs not thinking much at all after that. He pushes his fingers up into Courfeyracâs curls, not tugging, and letting Courfeyrac coax his lips apart, letting Courfeyrac lead the kiss however he likes. Itâs loose and warm, and while he wouldnât label it sloppy or anything, it does remind him vaguely of the way Courfeyrac, barely put together, seemed carried in by a wild wind.
Itâs a good kiss. A good kiss that turns into several, and then several more, until Courfeyrac is grinning into his mouth, warm hands somehow having found their way into Combeferreâs jacket against his ribs. He pulls away, and Combeferre almost doesnât want to let him, but he does, breathing a touch heavy and caught on the color high on Courfeyracâs cheeks under a near streetlight.
âWould you like to come up?â Courfeyrac asks. âFor a drink or we could,â he swallows, seems to need a moment to catch his breath, glancing down at Combeferreâs mouth again, âcould continue talking about that non-profit you mentioned. Or. Or something else.â
Theyâre very close, neither having let go of the other. Courfeyracâs voice is barely above a murmur. It does something to Combeferreâs normally logical and wary thought process. âI wouldnât⌠want to impose.â He remembers something about a roommate. And he really should go into the lab tomorrow morning if he wants to get a head start on his paper. And they just met, and while heâs far from prudish, maybe they should⌠wait? But he canât think of a reason why, in this moment.
âNot an imposition. I would like it. Very much.â Courfeyrac kisses it into his mouth. âMarius is at his girlfriendâs anyway. Itâs fine.â
âOh,â Combeferre says intelligently. Warm seeps down beneath his shirt, and it takes a moment to separate it from Courfeyracâs hands and realize itâs because heâs pleasedâthe contentment and excitement tentatively  unfurling low in his chest. âAlright. A drink⌠sounds nice.â
Courfeyrac grins oddly sharp at him, and pulls at his hands.
They do have a drink. Or, half of one, before Combeferre wants to kiss him again and Courfeyrac is happy to oblige. More than, by the way he turns it quick into something deeper, drawing Combeferre in so easy because itâs all Combeferre wants too. Courfeyrac likes to bite, he finds out, not hard. Teasing nips and scrapes against his mouth and neck alike, and when he shivers into it he finds out that he likes it too.
Not as much as he likes the soft sounds Courfeyrac makes, likes how much Courfeyrac likes his hands.
Courfeyrac is the one to propel them down a hallway, into a bedroom, murmuring, âCâmon, Ferre⌠can I call you that?â
Combeferre nods; kisses Courfeyrac deeper, lets Courfeyrac turn it dirty and nearly smiles at the way it makes Courfeyrac laugh. He likes that sound tooâthe bright way he laughs. He nods again, either as added confirmation or unspoken appreciation for the way he laughs or even overwhelming consent for where this is headed, maybe all three, it doesnât matter. Heâs got his hands in Courfeyracâs curls and against his neck, and Courfeyracâs own hands are snaking down into his waistband, tugging his shirttails free.
Itâs easy, so easy, to follow Courfeyracâs pushing, to tumble down onto a bed together, Courfeyrac laughing and Combeferre grinning into his skin, hands wandering and their kisses following suit. Easier for Combeferre to roll them over, to pin Courfeyrac down because he goes so willingly, arching into all of it with a breathy sigh and lax limbs and a hungry expression in his eyes thatâve gone glassy and dilated.
ââFerre, âFerre,â Courfeyrac whispers, a third attempt cut off stuttering when Combeferre shifts on his knees and grinds down against him. Even with their clothes on itâs good, a dull ache that spreads warmth like sparks.
âHmm?â
Courfeyrac shakes his head, tugs at his pants again.
Itâs all the invitation Combeferre needs.
~*~
When their heart beats start to slow, skin cooling from feverish to pleasantly warm to match the exhaustion in muscles and everywhere else, Courfeyrac shifts under Combeferreâs arm and asks, âSo. What did your friends offer to get you to go out with me?â
Combeferre blinks, thrown by the question and struggling to make his sluggish brain catch up. âYou know. I donât quite remember.â
Courfeyrac laughs, pleased as anything, and curls into him more.
~*~
Combeferre wakes before Courfeyrac, whoâs starfished across Combeferre and the bed, his curls fanning out across the pillows in the same fashion. Combeferre just smiles in amusement at him, reaching to attempt to tame something into place, but ultimately gets up to see if he can find and properly make some coffee.
He pulls on a pair of Courfeyracâs sweats as he goes. The roommate is out, but itâd be incredibly presumptuous of him to parade around someone elseâs apartment naked. And dangerous.
Itâs a good thing he does, because as the coffee pot is just about finished thereâs the sound of keys in the door and then itâs swinging open and then an alarmed sort of sputtering from the mouth of the kitchen.
âWho⌠whatâs going on! Whoâre you? Are you robbing us?â
âShirtless, darling? Heâs probably with Courf.â
Combeferre turns, eyeing the freckled red-head and is instantly distracted by the girl on his arm. âCosette. Lovely to see you.â
âOh! âFerre! Good morning!â She comes across the room for a hug, leaving her boyfriend confused and still looking frightened and like heâs expecting to be held up. Heâs a bit like a fawn.
âI take it youâre the roommate,â Combeferre says to him, much less like a question than he intended. Thereâs no way heâs not. âMarius?â
Marius nods, eyes still wide and bulging. âBut who are you?â
âDarling, this is Combeferre,â Cosette says patiently. She looks between them, pinched expression lingering on Marius longer each time.
Combeferre understands all at once what it must be. âIâm⌠not the one Courfeyrac was intended to be on a blind date with.â Marius dumbly shakes his head. âThat clears a few things up, then,â he says, and turns back to the pair of mugs heâd pulled down before being interrupted. âHow does he take his coffee?â
âItâs the weekend, so milk, two sugars,â Marius rattles off.
âThank you.â He doctors the coffee up as instructed, smiles at Cosette, and ambles back down the hall to wake up the wrong date.
Or, the right one. However he wants to look at it.
iâll give u several bc i have a lot of feelings with songs
jazz: name a song that resonates with you and your emotions. explain the reason why.
Fourth of July//FOB: my chest is the vacuum of space, and i need vivacity to inflate it and also to scream.Â
Eclipse/Blue//Nosaj Thing:Â V O I D
Vietnam//Crystal Castle:Â thereâs a weight on my chest and itâs pushing all the tears out from a wave of nostalgia for something Iâve never experienced
if you could have any view from your bedroom window what would you choose? flowers. open space. the perfect balance of wilderness and cityscape maybe. i dunno.Â
whatâs your favorite thing to do on a sunny day? Dance in the kitchen to music while I make breakfast. Pick out a cute outfit and do full makeup. Go sit in a coffee shop by the window and work on writing stuff. Something about sunny days make me 70% more productive and just feel really good about things. Meet up with a friend and do something special for dinner or go out and run an errand or just do something out. I like to leave the house when itâs sunny and stay out as long as possible.Â
what do you consider lucky? that I am who i am today despite everything thatâs happened and how Iâve been treated. that I am surrounded by the friends I have and a makeshift family I never couldâve fathomed years ago when I was at my lowest. A lot of things about my existence and life in general is lucky and itâs nice.Â
what made you smile today? Woke up to the cat curled up on my pillow. @trolithfoxyflint talking to me about future novel stuff. unexpectedly seeing @perianfrost at the library. The library having the book I asked them to put on hold for me.Â
what makes you happy? Cuddly cats. Collab writing with friends. A good cup of tea. being touched with affection without having to ask. verbal validation. a clear head. little surprises from people (whether it be letters or links or gifts, whatever). every time i finish a crochet project. being trusted. office supplies. my things being organized and neat and easily accessible. freshly painted nails. not crowded coffee shops. finally having a library I am comfortable in. hugs and face kisses. sleepovers. holding hands platonically.Â
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Some beautiful arts Monika (courfalicious / infinite-mirrors) drew of the characters from my novel that I want to show off, because they are so fantastic and she is wonderful and everyone should see her talent :) :) :)
(also we are starting an unrelated webcomic together and it will be incredible)
while i'm really happy to be home for a lot of reasons, i'm also really sad.
thank you, courfalicious for easily one of the best weekends of my life. :) it was a fucking whirlwind, emotionally and physically, and something of a not-exactly-sober blur, but it was absolutely perfect.
i know we didn't take many pictures or make many posts about what we were doing, so it feels like it didn't happen a little, especially because we did a lot of really seemingly mundane things, but there are things that will be etched into me forever -- the feel of seattle air, brisk and pure; the smell of 5:30 a.m. as i stand in your dark living room (and save you from the cat's sunrise psychosis); even 3 p.m. in your bedroom, standing at the window caught rapt by the way the wind moves through the trees, telling you i'm going to write a poem about this moment -- not /this/ one, but the other one, ha ha ha. fremont, digging through your purse. fremont, 1 a.m., mellowing out on the troll (and keeping drunk people from dying, 2k15). driving through the ghost town of the world in the hours before dawn, talking about how funny fate is that here we are because of a god damn smut fic. yelling at your cat in russian that it's my water, not his.
thank you so much for аНиŃа and for being my friend and for being an amazing person and for keeping me in line just like everyone else does. thank you for putting up with me for 3-ish days (55-ish hours??). yeah, fate is funny. but she does take care of us, doesn't she?
p.s. i want that pumpkin/nutella bread recipe, yo. also, everything's going to be okay. :)