#couplesissues

I am being sarcastic.

Seems, so much had happened over just a handful of days, and I truly am reluctant to talk about any of it. The good part is, that I managed to skip a holiday dinner with my partner’s family, for a much-preferred “me time” at home, thinking, what went so wrong in these past few days. 

Well, this weekend had brought over a major disappointment. My partner’s long coming-to-terms and soul-searching period related to us moving away from this city, cost us our first choice of a would-be-home. Sure, we did extensive research on the area and the place, we found and worked through its shortcomings and flaws, we consulted agencies related to various specificities, such as earthquake zones, soil movement and strategic plans for public beach accesses behind the fence of the property, and many, many, other points. We got it all ironed-out. 

But, it all took too long. Someone snatched-up the home before our offer was submitted to the seller, after nearly three years of market stillness. That alone, is not such an unusual occurrence, but this news came as a part of, what was unfolding to be, an already unfortunate weekend, and it also uncovered a deep sink-hole for our relationship, which I will discuss later here...

It all began on the Wednesday afternoon, with a sudden barrage of texts from my frenemy – accusing me of shunning her, scolding me for not doing her “the favour” I talked about in the previous post, then turning down the invite for her daughter’s birthday; accusing me of not liking her daughter altogether; accusing me not of inviting my frenemy anywhere to socialize...

So, later in the evening, I sat down and e-mailed her my thoughts, my concerns on various incidents we’ve had, the general lack of reciprocity in our past friendship, my dismay at how she has been treating me over time, and some honest suggestions, as to why her friends are disappearing in droves. While I was nervous sending this e-mail, I knew it was coming; and my animosity had grown so much towards her behaviour, I had no way forward, unless I told her.

Later into the night, she replied, with a long e-mail, stating various flaws of me; and saying, that these “flaws” sometimes cause her to have her less-than-positive attitudes towards me.

Well... among the very predictable 2+ pages of text, I found her denying all wrong-doing and making excuses for herself over and over again, like she had been, every time we tried to talk. I also found some quite valid intentions, that she may really mean to make things better between us at this point. But it got me thinking – if we essentially want the same things for this friendship, how can we end up standing on such opposite sides, distant islands, and seemingly have no way of reaching any viable consensus without the unnecessary drama and animosity. I wished right away, her reply was just, at least a bit, less, than what I’ve expected; I wish she did look inward deeper and confronted her own defence mechanisms, but she, ultimately, did not. I wish my honest words carried just a little bit more weight on her, but, as her reply showed, they did not.

As I woke up in my bed, long before sunrise, and caught myself thinking about what to, actually, do about her and her ways, and whether to keep them both in my life. I eventually turned to my pragmatic self and decided, that there is no future for this friendship anyway... Mainly, because, we are moving away; and then, likely, she moves abroad, to her childhood country, and chances of seeing each other ever again, are sparse.

I knew that she, or her daughter, would not be invited to our new home in the wilderness, as none of them are all that self-sufficient and able to self-entertain; she is a lot of pain and maintenance, and little reward, so I decided, to just move past this and let it be... Eventually, I did fall back asleep.

The next morning we got a call from our buying agent, letting us know, we lost the house we picked and were going to draft for. That same evening my partner was working late into the night, on our proposal... just too little too late...

It took nearly 12 weeks from when we discovered the home and the area, till when we drafted the now defunct offer on it, with viewing it half-way somewhere. Research does take time, and we did lots of it, but it was also intermitted by, seemingly, unnecessary dilly-dallying, as my partner did not take my repeated advise to act faster, to view it, to come to a mutual conclusion on a number for the proposal; and in general, to go forward.

He seemed to wait for more market listings, despite it being fall; he seemed to wait for more comparable homes, and there were none. Sometimes, he seemed to just be delaying for no particular reason. I called him out on numerous occasions, that his delays seemed deliberate and based on fear of change. He denied. He did say things, like, we were getting that house, and we were moving before the winter, and we were adding extension to it, and yet, his actions lagged behind. 

Now, in this transaction, he would carry the main share of the investment. As a self-employed business-person, I do not get as great borrowing rates, as he does. So, I will be adding my funds, and he will be adding his larger share, in proportion of probably, 60/40. So, I did give him a bit of leeway with his worries and soul-searching. But it seems to me now, that he did say one thing, while did another, and, perhaps, even semi-unintentionally, but delayed us out of this possibility, which would have made us move away from here as soon, as next month. But that will not happen anymore. We lost the home, which was in a perfect setting, and a nearly perfect lay-out.

As soon as the news broke, I called him out again, for those same things. He was his usual – defensive, aggressive, counter-accusative. We went through a portion of silent treatment, then a conversation on his overall intentions, which, although it was a good one on some aspects, it did not convince me that he is as willing to move away, as I am. I also addressed the fact, that my concerns and advice had been ignored or not listened to, and the outcome was precisely, as I predicted would happen, if we don’t act.

This isn’t over yet, as the sink-hole changed how I feel and where I stand in this relationship... We will have further discussions. He since changed his tone, saying he is too impatient to wait for spring, for the market to pick up again, and wants to move now, as intended. Really?

Later on that day I got an alert from an overseas friend, that she had sent me a gift in mail, and asked me if I got it.  I realized, that it was most likely lost in mail. I searched with the concierge of our building for it, and they did not seem to be very competent on tracking incoming parcels. I phoned the help for the postal services, but, since it was the long weekend, they were already closed.  I thought, by then, what else can go wrong this weekend?...

Because of how I now feel about my relationship, I wanted to skip the scheduled for yesterday get together with his family, for a holiday here. I did not want to answer questions from them, or pretend everything is hunky-dory with us.

I wanted so many times to leave him, when I was sick, and I tended to put that to my sickness, until now. Now I just want to leave him, if he stands in the way of my progress. I stayed back drinking wine and playing tunes that made me feel better about this, seemingly, disastrous weekend, that even included my birthday... I did some work, too.

Late in the evening I received a call from my building concierge, that after two days, my lost parcel was found.  Earlier, my frenemy sent me a greeting card, for my birthday, which I thanked her for. Now, our final exchange will not be one full on mutual animosity, and I can move on from that too.

So, although, things are appearing to straighten up, for now, I am still very shocked and down about my relationship and our lost house. We since then had a nice date night, and he’s been great, but I wonder if it is all because, he knows, he is in the doghouse for the long-haul. ...