#coreyvidal

Hey,

Sorry it’s taken me awhile to reply, but this was something I needed to take a break from. I really appreciate your message. Thank you for saying that - you didn’t have to.

There was something I didn’t realize until after I told the people I live/work with what I told them. One of the people in ApprenticeA came to me and apologized, saying that any time we had talked about abuse, that it was probably very triggering for me. I hadn’t even realized that it was, but the second she said that, it opened my eyes. It’s hard for me to talk or hear about abuse, because it triggers conversations I don’t want to have. That doesn’t excuse me from talking about it, but yeah. It’s been a painful year. Things I didn’t want to face, or think I’d have to. Especially not publicly.

Truth be told, I did feel pressured… but I’m also wondering if maybe it’s going to work out for the better. My call to F.A.C.S. last month felt like a big step. Would I have made that call if it wasn’t for these issues being discussed? I’ve called F.A.C.S. a few times since, but I guess it takes a really long time to find and disclose my files. The waiting sucks. But once there’s updates, I’m going to vlog them and keep the conversation going.

You’re incredibly smart about this stuff. Way more knowledgeable and articulate than I am. I was wondering if we could chat and I could get some advice from you on how to say what I want and need to say. Could we Facebook or Google or Skype chat?

(in reply to this post)

((for transparency: i have notified corey that i’m publicly publishing my response to his message(s).

i messaged him privately saying: i am going to reply to your message, but i’m going to do so publicly, because to do otherwise would be inconsistent with what i’ve been writing for months w/r/t transparency. i want to notify you of that ahead of time, because i don’t want you to at all feel blindsided or attacked by that decision.

he replied to me privately saying: I appreciate the heads up, there’s just a lot of issues regarding my history with Shannon that are NOT a part of her post, which gives an explanation as to WHY I haven’t replied. Why it’s been such a struggle. Why it’s not just a matter of me hurrying up and making a statement. And to try to explain why, publicly, could potentially hurt her even more. I want to do the right thing and be an example and help people and admit my problems (which I have NO problem doing)… there’s just more to the story than what she’s written and it makes it horribly complicated and tricky.))

okay. so. there are a LOT of thoughts in my head right now, and it’s getting p late for me, but i’ll try to sort ‘em out. 

(i am writing this answer under the assumption that at least PART of shannon’s account Actually Happened, because it is more likely than not that it is true.)

first, i wanna say that the reason that i’m publishing this answer publicly is because, as i said to you in that other message, i’ve been advocating for transparent, public discourse ever since the abuse allegations started breaking with tom milsom. a lack of transparency has consistently been a large factor in enabling abusive behavior, and it’s always been my opinion that then the clearest answer to that has to be to be as transparent about everything as possible. i’m also publishing this because i am only one person, and i’m definitely not the EXPERT in public statement/apologies/whatever. i’m also not the only member of your community/audience – my voice and opinion shouldn’t necessarily be prioritized as The Advice Giving One, and publishing this publicly will make it easier to facilitate discourse with other people who watch your videos.

ALSO. I AM NOT SHANNON. and her voice needs to take THE BIGGEST of priorities, here. so i’m defaulting to not forgiving your behavior, because that isn’t my place. i don’t have that power. that is entirely her call, and at least until she voices contentment with the way that you choose to make amends, i won’t feel comfortable doing so, either.

because i don’t know shannon, then, the only advice i can possibly give you is coming from my place as one viewer among many. having not been there for what happened between you and shannon, and also not being shannon, this is what i want to see you do: 

make a video acknowledging your abusive behavior by making clear that you know what abusive behavior means (ie coercing someone into sexual intimacy, because that violates consent, which is nothing except a continuous and enthusiastic ‘yes’); at the very least, link to shannon’s tumblr post in the description of the video; say that you have apologized to her privately (which you would obvs have to do beforehand); and don’t explain why you did what you did. there is a place for explanations, and this statement is not it. explanations make the story about YOU, instead of the person that you hurt, whether intentionally or not. if you HAVE to say SOMETHING about the ‘why,’ it should only be as long as “i was dealing with my own shit at the time, but that is never an excuse. i still hurt someone.” period. end of. the point of the video would be to notify your viewers of your shitty behavior, so that they all then can make an informed decision of whether they want to continue supporting you and your videos. that’s it. 

some more random thoughts: NOT KNOWING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH SHANNON, i guess i would hope that you have at least tried to apologize to shannon already, and have tried to make amends for the hurt that you’ve caused. 

also, you can’t expect forgiveness. first of all, none of us are in the position to forgive you, because only shannon can do that. and she doesn’t have to. i guess i should say: you can’t expect acceptance from your audience. no one (especially in an audience as broad as yours) is going to have the same levels of acceptance and ALSO, we don’t owe you acceptance. you have to understand that what you did was Not Okay, and viewers have the right to not be comfortable with you anymore because of what you did without you explaining yourself all over them. regardless of WHY, you did what you did. people have every right to be upset with you for it, because intention only goes so far.

i would also encourage you to watch these videos on apologies by chescaleigh and hank green.

finally, i don’t know how i feel about you asking to talk to me privately about how you should re/word your statement. if you still want to do that, let me know, and i will think about it. yeah. i don’t really know how to feel about that.

(video)

i did end up watching it, yeah. here’s the thing with the video, right. i am ALL. FOR. larger discussions of adhd and what it means to live with adhd, like, most everything corey was saying sounded really sincere and real to me. maybe i ~bought it~ too much, but he did genuinely sound like he’d been through hell and that he’s coming out the other side now.

BUT.

what you’ve heard, anon, is completely correct. the closest corey comes, in 2.5 hours, to addressing the allegations, are vague allusions to “pushing his girlfriend away” and “hurting the people around him” as a consequence of his struggle with adhd. the STUNNING thing is that he says, on multiple occasions, that he “doesn’t want” adhd to be an excuse for poor behavior… but by not addressing the allegations head-on at all, he’s positioning this video about his struggle with adhd AS HIS EXCUSE FOR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR.

i wouldn’t call what he says in the video manipulative necessarily – but i WOULD call his POSITIONING of the video manipulative. because of this video, people will be able to more easily excuse his behavior because he was ‘having a hard time’ and, by his own words, wasn’t taking the necessary medication. and whatever people may disagree about whether corey’s personal situation has a place in the discourse at all, that personal situation IS NOT an excuse for the damage he caused. and we need to still hold him accountable, as we must continue to do with youtubers like tom milsom, alex day, luke conard, alex carpenter, tom mclean, danny hooper, travis neumeyer, adam roach, alex odam, mike lombardo, ed blann, kelly montoya, etc.

yep yep yEPPPP

tbh i wouldn't even WANT him to make any sort of public statement, i'd want him to just lEAVE like tom and alex and luke have

the problem is that his promise to address the situation has given him a ~free pass~~ because he's gonna talk about it!! just give him time!!!! so that he can keep making content under the guise of wording things perfectly and conscientiously 

but as we've already seen mULTIPLE TIMES, whenever the accused attempt to ""explain themselves"" it's a manipulative trainwreck and just generally ISN'T PRODUCTIVE

his promise to address the allegations is actually REALLY manipulative because it puts him in this pseudo-gray area where he hasn't talked about it YET but he "WILL" and by the time he actually does (if he ever does), because it's been so long since the allegations surfaced, there's a smaller chance that his ~explanation/apology~~ will be as heavily debunked as, say, alex's and luke's were, because less people are engaging with this discourse now

tl;dr all of this is to say that while i ordinarily wouldn't be so adamant that an alleged abuser explain ""his side"" of things, his vague silence is pushing the discourse aside. once he finally SAYS SOMETHING, maybe THEN, we'll actually be able to dialogue about this because no one will be able to say "i'm waiting for corey to say his piece before i jump in"

i'm tired i hope this is making sense