The first month of the new year and I still feel the same. Of course I still feel the same, it's unrealistic for me to expect a drastic change to happen in a day. Change is always most apparent to me when it's over a period of time. Experiencing a death is drastic but the change doesn't truly settle in until a period of time has passed. This can be said about my move from my hometown to Los Angeles. The move itself is drastic, but it didn't feel drastic when I arrived. It felt like another day. The journey there was like an adventure, chockful of memories and beautiful scenery that l’ll stash away in my memory box for future reference. It is unrealistic to expect a drastic change to happen in a day. It always takes time.
This January has been a messy affair just like many of the past months in Los Angeles has been for me. I could blame it on the house I live in. I could blame it on my peers. I could blame it on the man suing me, but really only I can take the blame. I've noticed that I get too distracted with small things or other people’s troubles instead of taking care of my own. Those things can really wear me out when I'm living in a place like Los Angeles. As I think about what has all happened this past month, I’m realizing more and more that I am not keeping my promise that I made to myself last year.
It was to establish my boundaries to others and do it in a more healthy and productive way.
I ended up doing so much for others, such as, give them rides (without payment), take care of people’s legal situations, clean up after others, and even be a soundboard for people at parties. All of these things really took a toll on me. I couldn’t take it and I really wanted everyone to stop. But, I was most responsible for all of this because of, emotional labor.
I give a lot to others. I wish I didn't but it's just such a habit that I learned from my culture to take care of people, entertain people and make sure everyone is okay. This may be a product of growing up in a matriarchal household but I do feel happy when I make other people happy. Unfortunately, it's not worth it if I am tired, cranky and on edge all the time. Primarily because I do not take any time out for myself to breathe and rest. It has become more of a burden because now I live in a big city.
I've been giving out a lot of labor for people dealing with so much. That is so tiring to the mind, body and soul. As I have been trying to set boundaries to people who have been using me, I've gotten a little bit of fight from that. That's always the scariest thing whenever I started setting boundaries with people. Backlash. I think no matter what I have to do it, it's hard but it will be worth it. I hoped that people would just understand that I am not here to be the person who always takes care of them. I wish that I could just say “no” to someone and they would get it immediately and tell other people and let them know that “Coral’s no longer taking care of everything, now we gotta do it ourselves”. That’s a unrealistic expectation and a drastic change for people to wrap their heads around.
It is unrealistic to expect a change to happen in a day.
