#coping words

it fills your lungs and it lingers, and every once in a while you can see smoke going out of your mouth or nose

its a reminder, for each person of a different thing.

for some, of the day they finally went to seek peace. for others, an error to learn from.

but a few arent sure, it's just smoke: black, harsh on the throat, bad for the eyes.

you wish it made more sense, like how smoke is the sign of danger from a fire breathing dragon; a sign, a code, rising to the sky with intent. but you got nothing but the remains

You wait for fall to come back again, maybe this time the leaves will be that orangy-red you remember. Or the rain that didn't feel like acid on your tongue.

Then you wait for things to get warm again. maybe this time the wind will be just right, not too warm or cold, like that one time before... everything.

Then in between waiting you do other things.

You wait for the sun to rise again, eye bags under your eyes. Maybe this time it'll feel like the first time you did this.

You wait for those days that arent too long or too short. Maybe you'll have enough time this time around. maybe you won't waste the little time given in other things, and still have a few more hours of sun to relax.

You wait for your birthday. Once, twice, thrice. Over and over and over... again.

You wait for the days that single day mean something once again.

You wait until the name is right.

...And maybe you're tired of waiting. Waiting for safety, waiting until the storm stops raging over your head.

Waiting until things get better.

see me flutter away and tell me i'm a bad son

see my flame burn like a sun and pour water on it until there's only smoke

like dreams do, at least for me. i always see the same buildings, parks, ideas, people, mixed in and out trying to create something new to help me file out information, but there's always the familiarity of the same shapes, the same raw feeling that pangs on my chest when i wake up, the same distant memory i cant really recall anymore but is Still there. physically, one of the curved in twists on my brain, like a scar that can't heal because it defines me

and i know i can change neurological paths, i've done it, over and over again, things hurt less because of it, but that carved out sugary mass of feelings will die with me, even if i can change the way i react to things, the way i think of things

yendo en círculos de tal manera que no te das cuenta hasta que miras a tus pies y es el mismo camino que siempre caminaste pero el mundo se ve un poco más pequeño, pero tu no te sientes más grande

y las cosas se repiten y caen sobre si en capas una y otra vez

el final de algo es el inicio de otro, el inicio de algo tiene que ser el final de otro. no puedes escapar de esa finalidad

y entonces un dia te miras a la cara, y de un dia a otro pasaste de tener 5 a 22, y la primavera solo existe en las memorias borrosas de una infancia que se te escapa entre los dedos, y todas las mascotas que te vieron crecer ya no estan contigo

y tal vez la primavera es otra cosa. y desearías que las cosas dieran vuelta una vez más, a un punto donde el mar vuelva a verse infinito cuando le miras contra el horizonte que le divide del cielo azul.

it has grown nerves and blood vessels over what is actually you, and the sutures still are held up by thread—dirty and slightly broken—but you feel like instead of taking off a facade youre tearing yourself off, like a tumor that has taken over you for so long. even if you didnt recognize yourself in the mirror because of it, there's Something in you missing that now putrid skin on the floor

and then the blood, is still over you, but at least it isnt fresh anymore. and you take out the thread and the remaining nerves out your skin.

you pass your hands over your face—the one that doesnt have another skin under, but muscle and bone—for the first time in years and this time it feels... slightly fuzzy.

and youve never felt more clean; light. and simultaneously naked to a world that you know wasnt made for you. and the moment your skin tastes fresh air again youre probably gonna be in trouble

you know youre gonna need to still hide now that the mask is off. even if for just a little longer