#convenientlove

Ending. (noun) an end or final part of something, especially a period.

There was never an ending for things, only long pauses and, or twist and turns, that’s what I thought. But this love for you has come to a point where I wanted you to walk away like you always do, leave, without saying things, leave like it didn’t happen. I wanted you to go this time because if you won’t, I won’t ever love anyone anymore as I did you. And I don’t want it that way.

I believe that it was always summer with you, the freshness of the flowers, the bliss, that same feeling where you breathe in happiness. But the reality was that it has always been cold, a harsh heavy downpour of rain making me unbelievably sad all the time. It was drowning. And it was drowning me, silently. Maybe that’s why I never liked the rain in the first place. Because that was what I always felt with you. Like the way I felt last December, when you left, again. Cold, kind of harsh, and sad—for no absolute reason. Last Christmas, I was so sure I looked forward on spending it with you. It was like the song I always hear everywhere, “I was willing to give you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away.” That’s what you did. 

And now, done are the days that I kept thinking about myself being the convenient one, the reason why you keep on coming back. Because in fact, I have understood it fully that you didn’t really like me, you just liked the idea that I was always waiting for you to come back to me.

Today, as I write this letter, I realized that I wanted freedom from how I loved you. I wanted to love someone else, more than how I loved you, someone, even better. Someone who’d make me feel better. I needed to forget you. Because my heart is tired from running in circles, from the long pauses, from our twists and turns.

It was hard because you gave me something so ideal, so real that it’s too impossible not to fall for. You were like a drug, loving you has been so addictive the past years, that even if it hurts, I still love you, anyway. Because I thought, one day will come that we’d get tired of running in circles. I thought, one day, things will change, it will fall into its right places, and it will end up the way I prayed how it would be. I had always had that glimpse of hope that that day will come. Almost but not quite.

Maybe I was wrong. And the only thing that is right on my mind is that I always made you feel like you were too heavy for me, --- too little too much. Maybe, just maybe, that is the reason why we just almost had the chance but no one between us took the risk. Because you felt it, you felt it too-- that I was never ready for you.

They always say true love has a habit of coming back, only to lose them again. My love, I have lost you a hundred times before, in my thoughts, in my dreams and now I lost you again. And I hope you know that I don’t want you coming back anymore, this time, only for us to get our hopes high and still say goodbye.