#construct of virginity

Being a virgin is a real thing. A term for someone who hasn’t had sex is perfectly fine. However, getting to tell me what it means to be or not to be a virgin, how I should feel losing the v-card, or how ‘important’ virginity is to me is not a thing.  It is an idea that has been constructed which dictates how both males and females should hold their virginity, and in conflicting ideals.

   This ideal tells me, as a heterosexual female, that my virginity is this treasured, precious entity which is to be guarded. And if given up too early, turns me into a ‘whore’.  It’s my virtue which I should hold most important about myself. It defines me as the type of woman I am and am to be. I disagree, ‘virginity’ doesn’t define you. What’s truly important is the journey you personally make when you are about to ‘lose’ that virginity. I agree that your first time should be with a person that you feel connected to and that it shouldn’t be a random decision.  For your first time, you are sharing a very personal part of yourself and to do so you need to firstly be comfortable with yourself. I mean, HELLO, you’re naked! Give yourself props, girl. In a sexual relationship, or any relationship, you deserve to be respected, and your first time is no exception.  Getting to be so comfortable that you are able to be that intimate with someone is a big deal, yet it isn’t going to change you like this ideal states.

   What society says is that losing your virginity changes you. It’s this magical experience which transforms you into womanhood. Candles are everywhere, rose petals on the ground. Afterwards, you have this epiphany and sex has deeply affected you.  WRONG. Sex is a big step, true. Does it change you? No. This ideal which states that sex is this life altering decision/event is one which reinforces their statement that virginity is ‘sacred’.  Sorry, but afterwards you are going to feel sore, probably run through the moments in your head, and you will remember it, but someone isn’t going to shine this heavenly light down upon you and the world’s secrets won’t be revealed to you. You will probably feel like the exact same person. Personally, I was expecting more. I was told that something would be different. Nothing was, except for the fact that I had had sex. That was it, nothing else.

   Furthermore, the opposition of how virginity is viewed on males and females just reinforces rape culture, creates unhealthy relationships, and strengthens stereotypes. For males, virginity is seen as something that needs to be lost as soon as possible. It’s the mark of a ‘weak’ and unsuccessful ‘man’. For women, virginity is meant to be kept until the last possible moment. If we then evaluate this hypothetically then we can assume that most relationships girls will enter will have elements of forced sexual experience.  If we take what the ideal is telling us, then men should try to lose their virginity with the first girl they can talk into sleeping with them.  And theoretically, if this ideal is fulfilled, then the male gets what he is ’suppose to’ (ie: lost virginity and new status as a ‘man’) but the female ends up feeling horrible (as the ideal tells her she has given up her innocence). In doing so, it supports the idea that women should be conservative in their sexual life with few ‘well-thought out’ partners (not to mention it’s not meant to be self-pleasuring) while men should have many sexual partners. And round and round this double standard will continue.

   Challenge this construct and build your own definition of personal virginity. Your sex life/life before sex is your own and only yours.  Lay out what it means to you and don’t be dictated by some plain old awful teenage soap opera written by the CW. Those aren’t real, but your first time is. So go live it when and how you want to.