Today I managed to do something I thought I would never be able to do
I fought with someone very close to me. It was a fight where we both were in the wrong and were fighting for fighting sake.
I said awful things with the intent to hurt them. They did the same.
This is one of the most important people in my life. I was terrified I had ruined this relationship forever. This person is a large part of my support system. We have very similar traumas and react similar ways. They get me in ways no one else can.
And I thought I had ruined that. I believed what I did had lost me them.
In my grief I decided to do something I thought I would never be able to do in this situation. I sent them an apology.
I didn't do it to try and get them back. I felt guilty. I felt they deserved an explanation for my outburst and my words.
I wrote out how I felt, I was vulnerable in ways I have never been before. And I sent them the apology.
And from the apology I learned they felt equally guilty.
We talked
We communicated what happened. We sat down with each other and just talked. And things are better now than they were before our fight.
Growing up in a broken and often violent household I learned very young apologies and communication just get you hurt and screwed over. I find it very hard to even muster a single "I'm sorry"
And I managed to give my friend an entire apology.
And it fixed things
If you told 12 year old me this had happened, I wouldn't believe it. I would believe I had ruined the relationship and lost a friend forever.
If you told 15 year old me I would've thought the same thing
17, even 18 year old me wouldn't believe this
It was terrifying to do, but I pushed and admitted I was wrong. What I said wasn't right. What I did wasn't okay. And they understood and forgave me
Healing is horrifying and hard, but this is what makes it worth it. Things like this show me getting better isn't hopeless or pointless. 2 years ago I would've let this relationship die because I would've been too scared to try and apologize, I would've been too high and mighty to admit I was wrong.
It seems like such a small thing but this is genuinely the biggest thing that's shown me evidence of healing
I was the reason I was alone so much before, and I'm getting better now
