#constantfear

My sisters boyfriend introduced you to me, we went out once and everything was fine. Your presence kinda made me uneasy but someone I trusted recommended you. I wanted to believe that it was just my anxiety being ridiculous. After the night was over I was still feeling a bit uneasy.

A few days later, I was with my sister at her boyfriend's house. Her boyfriend invited you over. Everything was actually going well. We all went for a drive and then went back to the house. When we got back we started watching videos and all kinds of fun stuff. The night actually was good. I enjoyed it. Until, my sister and her boyfriend went into his room so he could make sure my sister went to bed. I was laying on the floor watching the videos. 

You came over and laid beside me. That's when you started doing things I didn’t want. I wasn’t strong enough to get you away. I was so frazzled to even remember any of the training I’d been given. Your hands and mouth were everywhere. I said no, I said it so many times. It didn’t work. You wouldn’t stop. Next thing I knew, you were picking me up and pulling me into the spare room. You threw me onto the floor and forced all of yourself on me...in me. When you said you were done with me you pulled me onto your lap on the couch. 

You made me tell you everything I was into. I tried to keep my mouth shut but your hands started moving more and more so I knew if I gave you the information you wanted you would stop. I told you a few of them. Just enough to get your hands to stop roaming. When gave you the information you wanted you said “oh I’m going to have so much more fun with you.”

Those words have been replaying in my head ever since. On repeat. Over and over. After a few weeks, I was able to have people touch my hands and arms without jumping. The nightmares had stopped. But almost exactly a month later the nightmares started again. They’ve been nonstop for a week now. I keep reliving the night it all happened. I keep hearing those words. I can’t stop it all. 

People keep telling me to report it. Report you and get you discharged from the Marines. But I have no proof of what you did. It would be my word against yours. I don’t even know your last name. How could I possibly do anything? My friend told me that if I didn’t report you then he was going to find you himself and try to beat you up. I didn’t want him to get hurt. So I told him I would take care of it myself. I didn’t though. I couldn’t I still can’t. 

I hate you for what you did to me. There was no reason. I didn’t deserve it. I don’t deserve this fear. The fear you will be everywhere I am. The fear that you’ll just show up. That I can’t stop it. That it will happen again. That I’m never safe. 

Happy New Yeah!