#constance isles

The person who has made an effort, of course, is Jane, who has done more to cherish and protect Maura than most of the married couples I know, even though both of them continue to insist that what they share is nothing more than close friendship. I cannot make that assertion stick, though, at least for myself; naturally I hold my tongue, but what am I supposed to think when they spend every waking moment together? When one of them is in danger and the other is making herself sick with worry? When the first person either concerns themselves with is the other, no matter what? I may not yet understand Maura as well as I wish to, but I understand what it is to love someone.

The red numbers of her alarm clock were an unbearable reminder of the insomnia she had fallen a victim of tonight. 3:36. She had been in bed for over four hours now and had tried each of the various methods to fall asleep that she had learnt over the years. None of them had worked. She was still desperately awake. Her mind was running in circles, revisiting the events of the day, and wondering what would have happened had she been in Jane’s situation. She was haunted by Mrs. Rizzoli’s distress and the doctor’s words telling her to prepare herself to lose her daughter. How life could be so unfair to a mother fighting alone for the survival of a child? This woman would willingly give her own heart to give her daughter a chance at life. She was already sacrificing her life and her health by working insane hours just to make sure Jane could get at least a small part of the cares she needed. 

Mother would pay for everything she needed, it was one thing she didn’t have to worry about. In all her life, she never had to worry about most of her needs. As long as it had monetary value, Mother would provide. But would she be there? Would she hold her hand and stroke her face, and tell her that she loved her? Maura doubted it. Mother had never done it in the past, and over time, the little girl that she was had understood that it wasn’t worth asking anymore. Her parents had loved her, in their own way, but were too caught up with their frenzy of their lives that what she really needed wasn’t tutors and money but presence and attention. She would have loved growing up with a sibling. Instead, she went into a boarding school. She thought it would be better to be surrounded by peers than being alone among servants. She had only grown lonelier and detached from the real world. 

4:08. Paris was six hours ahead of Boston. If she called now, would Mother answer? Or would she be too busy with either a meeting or the preparation of an art exhibition? They never talked much about their respective schedules, and Maura was more interested in Mother’s work than Mother was in hers. Forensic pathology was a fascinating discipline but only to insiders and enthusiasts. For people outside of these categories, pathologists were considered weird in the bad sense of the word. 

“Maura, darling, isn’t it late over there for a courtesy call?” 

“It indeed is, Mother, but I couldn’t seem to find sleep.” 

“What is it, keeping you up all night? Is it Matthew?” 

Matthew was the name of her hospitalized friend. Maura had briefly mentioned him when she was a student and since Matthew was the heir of a colossal empire, it had been in her best interests to stay in contact with him. His fortune was unlikely to save him though, and his family was long gone, killed in a car accident a few years ago. And now it was his turn to succumb to an accident. Fate could have a weird sense of humor sometimes. 

“No. Matthew’s condition remains unchanged. There’s little hope for him to ever wake up again according to his doctors. All is left to do is fill paperwork and organize the next step.” 

“His lawyers could easily have handled this matter. I don’t understand why the task had been assigned to you.” 

Maura closed her eyes. She should have known that Mother wouldn’t understand why she had accepted to take care of the formalities for Matthew’s last days on Earth. They hadn’t been close, but they still shared a bond that was important enough for him to appoint her as his power of attorney if anything was to happen to him. He must have known that she would respect all of his wishes. 

Maura had never managed to be as detached from other people as Mother was. She could never stay away and act haughty and disinterested. She had made attempts at connecting with other people, even if they weren’t from the upper classes, but they found her boring and strange and not worth their time. She had grown up alone, separated from the real world, without the codes of socialization with common people who were far more interesting than her peers for how different and free they were. Had she not been adopted by the Isles, would she have been one of them? Or would she still be that dull girl with weird interests? 

“I witnessed a scene yesterday and I wondered…” 

She hesitated. It was the kind of things they never talked about with Mother. They never showed any kind of vulnerability. They had to be strong and insensitive, not only because they occupied powerful positions in society, but also because they were women evolving in a man's world. 

“... Forget about it. It’s nothing.” 

She heaved a deep and silent sigh in the darkness of her room. She could hear the echoes of a conversation that Mother had with someone else in parallel of their phone conversation. She wasn’t important, or interesting enough to keep her attention on her even for a handful of minutes. What had she expected when she made that phone call? 

“Maura, darling, I must hang up now. I’ll send you the brochure for my new exhibition in the next few days. You’ll tell me what you think of it. Take care.” 

That was it. The call was over before she could even add anything. She was less important than an art exhibition in Paris, less important than a scientific conference at the other end of the country. When had they given her more importance than their jobs and hobbies? When had she actually meant anything for someone? Even her biological parents hadn’t wanted her. They had abandoned her when she was just a few days old and they had made sure she would never find them. The files were sealed, and her adoptive parents had carefully avoided the subject. Why wasn’t she good enough for anyone?