#conservativecommentary

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold move aimed at “restoring law and order” while simultaneously obliterating the concept of inside voices, conservative commentator and former Secret Service agent Dan Bongino has been appointed as Deputy Director of the FBI. The announcement, which experts are already calling “a fascinating new low,” marks a historic first for a federal agency: a leadership position being filled by a man who believes yelling louder is the same thing as proving a point. “Folks, this is huge,” Bongino declared in his first press conference, held in an undisclosed but very echoey hallway. “The deep state thinks they can control the narrative, but they didn’t count on me walking into this building and taking a dump directly on their lies.” He then pounded the podium so hard that at least three reporters instinctively flinched. From Podcasting to Policing: The Bongino Effect The FBI, traditionally known for meticulous investigations, legal precision, and whispering into earpieces, is expected to undergo a major culture shift under Bongino’s leadership. Sources inside the bureau claim he has already introduced several sweeping reforms, including: Replacing morning intelligence briefings with reruns of The Dan Bongino Show. Instituting a new policy where all agents must begin interrogations with the phrase, “Listen, pal, let me break this down for you like you're five.” Declaring that “polygraphs are for nerds” and instead relying on whether a suspect “looks kinda guilty.” “We’re really excited about the new direction,” said one FBI analyst, speaking under the condition of anonymity, mostly because they were still trying to process what was happening. “We’ve been told to delete all our case files and just go with our gut feelings from now on. I guess that’s a strategy?” An Unprecedented Approach to Crime Fighting Critics of Bongino’s appointment argue that he has little experience running a federal agency and that his investigative strategy primarily consists of shouting things until someone either agrees or leaves the room. His supporters, however, insist that this is exactly what the FBI has been missing. “This is the kind of no-nonsense, alpha-male energy we need in law enforcement,” said one enthusiastic supporter, who declined to answer whether he has ever actually spoken to an FBI agent. “Dan’s gonna clean house. And by clean house, I mean tell everyone they’re part of the deep state and then probably challenge them to a push-up contest.” Already, reports indicate that Bongino’s preferred method of evidence collection involves repeatedly asking, “C’mon, do you really believe that?” until suspects experience enough cognitive dissonance to confess. Under his leadership, the FBI’s cyber division has also been directed to stop investigating hacking threats and instead focus all resources on finding out whether “woke mind virus” is a real thing. Inside the Bongino-FBI Merger Inside sources confirm that FBI agents are scrambling to adjust to their new boss, whose management style has been described as “a mix between a YouTube rant and a bar fight that never quite happens.” New official FBI protocols reportedly include: New dress code: All agents are required to wear tactical vests and at least one visible American flag patch at all times. Mandatory rage breaks: Employees are encouraged to step outside and scream “I’M DONE WITH THIS BULLSH*T” at least once per day. The "Bongino Doctrine": Every case must be investigated under the assumption that it’s probably a government conspiracy. One agent, who requested anonymity for fear of being labeled a beta, admitted that the first week under Bongino has been “a little intense.” “He challenged me to arm wrestle within five minutes of meeting me,” the agent said. “When I refused, he just nodded and muttered, ‘Thought so.’ I still don’t know what that means.” What’s Next for Bongino’s FBI? While it remains unclear how long Bongino will last in his new role—bets range