#conflictingthoughts

No, wait.

Hear me out.

I don't mean this is a weird bipolar kind of way either. I mean i feel like two different people. 

Yeah.

On the one hand i feel like Beth. The girl that likes pretty pastel 50's dresses, drinks afternoon tea and eats cucumber sandwiches and has a secret crush on Niall Horan. She loves to listen to airy fairy dance music and a sewing room full of pretty fabric and cotton suits her own to the ground. Her favourite TV shows are Gossip Girl and 90210 and she only wears make up when she wants to look cute and flirty. 

But on the other hand there's Beth 2.0. She's a throwback to 2009. She listens to the Offspring obsessively, lives in her Ramones baseball shirt and her favourite band is Suburban Legends (Yeah, didn't think you'd heard of them!) She drinks a bit too much, but she doesn't care, she's just having fun. She likes to attach spikes and safety pins to anything that she can get her hands on and has as many piercings as a person caqn have. Her hair is always a different colour and she lives in her army jackets. 

Dear you

You probably knew this but

Your beautiful

And I don't just mean beautiful

I mean

Orange sky on an autumn day

Laying on wind blowing grass beneath me

Looking up at you 

As I get inspiration to write

Beautiful

Your eyes are like gems

Carved from diamonds

I'd replica them into earrings

To give to you

Beautiful

Prove to the world I can mold your face in the clouds 

Beautiful 

Your smile rest 

On the throne of your face

Waiting for reasons to live

again

Beautiful

Let me be the reason

Your skin shiver

Beautiful

The golden coat 

That surrounds your soul

With a touch softer

Than gods kiss

And A voice that'll take me through cotton fields

made out of baby whispers

Beautiful

Cry onto the soil of my heart so the liquid

Can grow my reasons for living

Beautiful

That'll make me sleep early just so I can

Wake up and daydream about

You

Beautiful

your the kind of beautiful

that happens once in a lifetime

Ill ask God to resurrect me

just so I can witness it again

Beautiful 

The butterflies in my stomach

Make room for doves type of

beautiful

your the type of beautiful

that makes me want to paint

A mental image in my head

And hang the painting on the walls of my mind

So when I wake up you'll be the first thing I think about

When I sleep you'll be the only thing I dream about

Ripping wings off of butter flies

Its not fair cattipillars get to be so beautiful

Putting out the flames of the sun

Its ambition is to bright to be true

tearing words from the dictionary

Most of my feelings go unexplained

Freezing clouds in the sky

Only my eyes are allowed to rain

The first time I swam

I almost drowned in my sorrow I came up gasping for breath

And realized time is just a countdown To how much life I have left

People call me crazy, some call me weird

But they look at me with holes for eyes, and listen with closed ears

Am I wrong to need someone to love me

Before I love myself?

Or ask someone to price worth to me

so that I may know as well

Ripping wings off of butter flies

Its not fair cattipillars get to be so beautiful

Putting out the flames of the sun

She said

That the sun doesn't rise, 

And the moon's shine isn't bright enough to light the night

And she's tired of stars falling on her

as she walk the streets

But this umbrella isn't strong enough

To cease the pain of all of her wishes 

falling from the sky

She said

That she just want to smile 

But she doesn't have any money to purchase them from stores

She doesn't keep spares in her draws

So she'll carve, curved extensions 

On the tips of her lips 

Look in the mirror and ask herself why so serious hoping

That her reflection will tell her its just a joke

All so she can laugh again 

She said

"God must be insecure

Because he created me in his image yet I hate what I see

I can feel the pressure of the cross being weighed on my back 

Every time I try and convince myself my worth

I can feel the crown of thorns piercing my head 

Every time I try and think positive 

And I'd rather die, then stay hanging on the cross

That I call my life for all eternity

Jesus, took the easy way out"

She said

"Im tired,

Tired of people telling me to keep my head up

Only to look up and see a cracking sky

Tired 

Tired of people telling me time heals all wounds

Well sorry to let you know 

The hands on my clock are disabled 

They aren't going anywhere

I'm tired, I'm just so tired, 

But I have insomnia so I guess

I will just have to keep hearing it

this drowsiness has made me weak I can barely

Open my mouth to speak 

So long I've wanted to utter these words

"Fuck, your online quotes…

Fuck, your faithless hope…

All I keep seeing are these fake faith notes

Been telling myself for years yet my face still mopes

I frown everyday and wear a smile for halloween 

I guess the demons and the ghouls bring the happy out of me

Or maybe I'm just faking, I'm a liar as it seems

Deep down I know it's real, yet I treat it like a dream…"

Maybe….its just me"

And she began to put on her pain

Like jewelry on her body

A necklace thats made from every broken promise she's ever been told 

Earrings that are made from lies 

that got close enough to whisper themselves into her ear

And the watch that rests on her wrist

Represents another time she's waited for hope

He opened up his arms to take her in 

And she said

"No, please, stay back

My eyes will cry out an ocean 

Of reasons why I don't think thats a good idea

And I will drown in them 

And frankly you're not strong enough 

to carry 10 tons of insecurities from the ocean floor

You can't hold up 10 tons of sadness thats in my heart

And there's no way you will pull 20 tons of depression

thats makes up my body, above the waters

So please, you'll only get hurt

Love me from a distance"

And he said

"I don't need to pull you up

I just need to kiss you

So that I can provide oxygen into your lungs

Long enough for my army of ShamWow paper towels

To come dry your tears

Look, I cracked a joke

So I can start chiseling a smile where your frown lives

I'll knock on its door a

And ask for the deed to your face

and I will never let him back inside"

And she closed her eyes

And started to drift to the bottom of the sea 

and extended her hands knowing he will follow

Expecting to prove him wrong