#confidence development tips

Sixth former, Jayne, was in her final year of A-Levels and headed towards pure A’s. Her teachers expected her to get into a top tier university effortlessly.

But, there was a hitch. 

Mr Taylor, the Head of Sixth Form expressed his concerns to me. Jayne was extremely shy. Overcoming self-doubt was a nightmare for her. If anybody tried conversing with her, she would shut down. Her teachers were deeply disturbed she could sabotage access to the best English universities because of her refusal to communicate.

Despite the efforts of her parents and teachers, they couldn't make her budge. The traditional approach to confidence-building simply did not work.

Besides jeopardising her academic potential, this extreme shyness had other consequences. Jayne rarely participated in extracurricular activities and leadership opportunities at school. It was certainly going to hurt her future career and financial status.

Furthermore, this low level of confidence contributes to stress, anxiety, and self-doubt. Thus, harming her mental and emotional wellbeing.

Let's explore five common confidence myths, debunk the myths and share confidence tips that may help with students like like Jayne. Yes, you'll find out what happened to Jayne.

Myth 1: Extrovert Equals Confidence

The stereotypical extrovert is loud, sociable, and often the life of the party. In truth, confidence and extroversion are not related. Both introverts and extraverts can be highly confident people, but how it manifests usually differs.

The appearance of confidence in an extrovert can easily mask the hidden pain and suffering that individual is going through. At the age of 12, my family relocated from a multicultural community to a monocultural one. I was the only non-white at my school. 

The daily verbal abuse I was subjected to turned me into an introvert. So I put on a mask. I refuse to smile, stood tall and tried my best to look tough.

It worked. The rest of the kids at school thought I was confident. Little did they know how much fear and anxiety I was feeling every school day. I had just two friends at school. Otherwise, I was socially awkward.

Confidence transcends personality types. It is something that can be developed with a step-step-approach. It need not take as long as people imagine. 

Myth 2: Confident People are Always Confident

One would be forgiven to believe that confident people never have self-doubts, limiting beliefs, or “bad hair days”. In fact, a student may demonstrate supreme confidence in one or two subjects. Yet, may have self-doubt about other subjects.

When they're confident in a topic, they'll be inspired, energised and passionate about it. When confidence is low, they'll have lack of motivation, little energy and have low self-esteem about the topic.

Supreme confidence has the gift of spilling into other topics. In a way, the student is averaging up their confidence across subjects. Hence, my mantra:

"How do you do one thing with excellence is how you do everything with excellence”. 

A confident student is encouraged to strive for excellence in one subject first. Why? Because the strategies that got them there can be replicated in their other subjects. 

Fighting low confidence is a waste of energy. Embrace it instead. This has a healing effect on the mental and emotional wellbeing of the student. It’s also a good starting point from which to build confidence. 

Let’s not forget that confidence must be nurtured and practiced regardless of one’s abilities. 

Myth 3: Confidence is Arrogance

Arrogance is a double-edged sword. According to the Cambridge Dictionary, "arrogance is the quality of being unpleasantly proud and behaving as if you’re more important than others". 

A confident person, on the other hand, can be an individual positively expressing their abilities boasting. Arrogance, however, is often highly subjective because it can be swayed by perceptions.

For example, you can confidently give a presentation on a familiar topic. One member of the audience might praise your knowledge, wit and wisdom. In the same audience, another person may think you're arrogant, pretentious and a know it all.

Who is correct?

Myth 4: Confidence Requires BIG Wins

When observing others move forward with their studies and extracurricular activities, it’s easy to say “she was an overnight success”. Having such a belief raises the bar for oneself. We often fail to meet such high standards. As a result, self-worth about success in that topic falters.

"Comparing yourself to another is the fast-track to mediocrity and failure. The only person worthy of comparison is the present version of you to yesterday's version."

Think of an individual signing up for weight training for the first time. After a week of training, they will not walk out of the gym having a body that looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime.

It’s the continuous daily practice, rest, and appropriate nutrition that leads to such a body for Arnie.  

Aiming for top grades and GCSEs are nowhere near as daunting as aiming for My Olympia. Students have a finite time (two years) to achieve their grades. It’s the daily consistent practice – the micro wins – that lead to results. NOT the big wins. 

Myth 5: Confidence Comes Before Action. 

We need to debunk this confidence myth quickly and as frequently as we can. It is one of the causes of hesitation, deliberation, and procrastination.

The neural networks associated with confidence do not materialise from thin air. The neural (nerves) pathway have to be built incrementally and deliberately over time. This means

Having clarity the goal (e.g. four A's)

Daily, consistent practice

Feedback and appraisal

Adjusting and adapting when necessary.

Confidence arises as an outcome of these steps. For example, an A-Level student’s goal may be to get the best grades in order to get into the university of choice. This means appropriate exam grades.

So how about practising with past exam papers two or more times a week? Week in, week out? Confidence to sit exams is inevitable.

From Extremely Shyness to Supreme Confidence

Jayne knew how to play shy. In social interactions, she blushes, gets sweat palms, upset stomach, and worries about how others view her. Hence, she withdraws even more. She feels out of control.

Jayne also knows how to achieve top results in all her subjects…with excellence. Then, we let her take control of those things that are in her control.

She was trained in controlling her anxiety through breathing exercise taken from yoga. Jayne was taught how to adopt a different body language from the one she was accustomed to.  

She repeated affirmations to undermine her limiting beliefs and replace them with empowering ones. We also taught her a simple meditation to calm her nervousness and worries. 

Finally, she was trained in how to socially interact using a 5-step process on communicating that helped train Jayne to become a conversationalist. 

Closing Remarks

No amount of training will change Jayne into an extrovert. She is not wired that way. But with training and coaching, she has developed into a more confident young adult. with a brighter future.

Confidence is not an accident at birth. It has to be nurtured. A student attaining confidence does not guarantee it permeating into all areas of life. Each area has to be addressed separately.

It’s also acceptable to “lose” confidence sometimes. When you're on the path to excellence, failing or losing confidence is a critical feedback mechanism to adjust. It requires humility, open-mindedness and a little courage to get started.

Please note: Names have been changed to protect privacy.

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