#confessionsofanegomaniac

Everyday we die and are born again. Our “created self” dies a little death every single day and we come back to repair and improve...the “I”... the self. And the “I” is the identity(ies) we created for ourselves...hundreds to thousands of identities one person creates for the self.

Let me back it up a bit... Since the loss of my parents I feel like I woke for the first time. This awakening of course came with such a devastating price where I had to lose the two most important people in my life at the same time as well as the loss of myself.

(I guess when you tell the universe you want to get in touch with your "higher self" it really throws you a mother fucker of a lesson) True growth can only come from pain in my opinion.

Back to my point : Up until then I was very much asleep, very much hooked into the machine and had several identities I created for myself like a warm blanket of security. Two of these identities would die with my parents.

1: The daughter of Sharon & Dave, that I lived by with loyalty since birth. And yes I am aware I am still their daughter but in the physical form of where I can actually talk to and touch is no longer here.

and

2. My former band of which I was consumed by. It was my career, my lifestyle, my identity and I needed it to be seen by the world to confirm it’s successful existence. To confirm MY existence. We are ALL like this.

Let me word vomit this: we call ourselves so many things, daughter, wife, husband, mother, father, sister, friend, musician, politician, teacher, actor, lawyer, religious, vegan, yogi, Christian, Muslim, atheist, male, female and thousands of other titles to make my point. And then through this we claim sub identities : Victorious or defeated, good or bad, stupid or wise, beautiful or ugly, famous, powerful, victim, etc... all in hopes that we are seen because our number one greatest fear in anything is non existence. Though, inevitably we will cease to exist and so in this life, we try to leave a trail of crumbs behind to be remembered by whether through our children, our career, our charity... you name it.

Who gave us these titles to live by? You did and with societies major MAJOR influence. Telling us what is right, wrong, popular and so on.

During my life, I did not question much, except the trending controversial political or religious topics but I never questioned the self...MY “self”.

I never thought about breathing I just did and life... it just existed. And I certainly never thought too much of my ego except the obvious explanation of it that it was just insecurity. Until one day it was all I could see. I see in myself and all I could see in everyone around me. The need for claiming existence. 

And I say this because I know I am most certainly not the only one... I am confident pretty much every conscious living human on the planet is just like this. And if others claim they are not and already have come to this point, then I guarantee you will come back to it again and again because it is far too ingrained in you by society and biology to escape it. But I can keep reminding myself of this truth until I get it right.

And here we are... dead again to rise again and create ourselves once again. We live in these cycles. But am I living? I am always aiming my bright eyes on some imaginary prize. I have a messy mind.