#confessionletters

Dear R, 

I'm listening to Miley Cyrus's new song, "Wrecking Ball". You know how much it reminds me of you? It's so perfect. I made me reminisce about the time I loved you so much it hurt. I loved you to the point where it ruined me. You made me feel like the only purpose of life was to be there for YOU. I remember when it just started as a mere crush, something so small. It didn't matter. All I wanted from you was to see you, for you to at least say hi to me. But then you turned it into something so grand, something that touched my soul and broke me from within. 

Yes, I said you. You brought me into your perfect perfect world and made me believe that you knew everything about me. You know how to manipulate me in a way where all my decisions in life were made for you. But then, you broke me. Wrecked me. It's amazing how you did it. You took me in, in your arms and squeezed my heart so hard with "love" that I made you my everything. And once that happened, you left. And you left me with nothing. Such a creative way to kill someone isn't it?

You've done your damage. And then I did mines. But honestly, it wasn't as heartbreaking as yours. You won and you left me here standing like a fool, angry & confused. Thanks for all the things you taught me about heartbreak, love and to surround myself with only positivity. You've done a great deal. 

Love, 

I hope you are attracted to me. Cause I'm attracted to you. And if you are, that's great! And if you aren't then, we'll I'll just look stupid. Damn, I hate small crushes and you're just another one on my list. Last time with D, now it's you. But you're Vietnamese. I never had a crush on a Vietnamese guy before y'know. Lol, so that's different. 

You're adorable! You remind me of someone (AP) and I had a small attraction towards him too but it was just because I thought his personality was golden. It'd be great if we can be something in the future because you look pretty promising. I mean, c'mon. You have a job (obviously), you go to college, you're a 3rd year like me, you're cute, you're outgoing, fun, happy. Plus plus plus! But then again, you do have a serious side that kinda scares me, being my supervisor and all. Well, that's the only side that intimidates me. Other than that..... you're almost near perfect for me. 

I just hope you realize or think that'd I'd be good for you. It's hard to show you that at work cause let's admit. I suck sometimes o.o Especially when you're around. Oh! Did I mention that I thought it was super cute when you put on my apron accidentally?! HAHA. 

Anyways. Let's hope by the end of this semester we can get closer. Cause I do feel some sort of connection, I just suck at following through :x Or maybe I'm just kidding myself. I really feel you're out of my league or I am soooo not you're type. I'm not in no sorority or popular. I'm just your average girl that works at Starbucks and majors in health care admin. *sigh and you're this epitome of a "frat boy". 

Whatever..... let's see where this goes. IF it goes anywhere. 

Sincerely,

You have to know. Lately I've been listening to songs and some in particular reminded me of you. And it got me thinking.. I really did care for you. I loved you babe. Let's get things clear though you were never my babe. But I had this crazy love for you that I think I'll never get over. I'm so angry tho. I'm so angry about how I left things off with you before you left town and now I'm just stuck with this sick feeling in my gut and anger in my bones. Why? Because you never changed. You were a jerk, you didn't care or more like it seemed you didn't care. 

But despite all the stupid things you've done, the stupid things I've done. I still loved you. And I still love you now. It's crazy, but I'm happy you found someone to call your baby and I'll never be that person again. But there are moments when I wish you were here again, back into your arms and hear your comforting words that got me through those awful years of adolescence. And now all I have to say is good luck to the girl you have now and hope that she doesn't have to go through what I went through. You break my heart without even trying... 

Sincerely 

You've done enough damage. You worked so hard for three months to lose all that weight and come to a goal weight that you were happy with. You were legit HAPPY with what you saw in the mirror. And if you continue on with this self pity & binge eating cycle, you'll end up right back to where you started. You pitted so many excuses for the last 2-3 weeks and now you are finally out of them. Look at your closet. Look at the mirror. Are you gonna waste all that effort and ability to fit into those clothes over afternoons of binge eating? Are you gonna let yourself expand to the point where you can't fit your clothes anymore and have to go back to your old ones? No. because you're gonna do whatever it takes to got back to 120, back to where you were happy. 

Tomorrow is when you're gonna pick up where you left off three months ago. No logging in food, no counting calories, just self judgement. Y'know how to do this. You did it for 3 months. You CAN do this. Forgive yourself for the last couple of weeks and start all over again. You have time. Time will past and it will not wait for you to be ready when you want to be. It's gonna go by whether you like it or not. So pick yourself up and dust your shoulders off. You have the will power, you just have to be strong. NOT WEAK. YOU ARE NOT WEAK. You're worth it, and listen to no one. Not your friends, not your mom, not your family. DO THIS FOR YOU. Cause you're happiness is on the line now. 

You've gone to the point where you're avoiding the world now. Srsly, the WORLD. You'll be happier around people that's gonna make you happy. And once you're back in the groove again, able to fit back into your clothes, you'll be able to face them again without fear. Isn't that something to work for? Isn't that worth it? Being able to stop hiding... Walking around with confidence, knowing that you can get a lot of guys to turn heads, knowing that you're freaking beautiful underneath all that fat. Srsly you are. You and everyone could see it when you were at your goal weight. So put down whatever you're gonna scarf down NOW. Do whatever it takes for you to get back to where you were.. even if that means putting your body back in starvation mode. Just do it. Throw any nutrition advice you've learned for now, and DO YOU. Then get back into it. You can do it. I'll probably take about a month. But pft. A month is nothing. Get you're body back girl. Cause once that happens, you'll be unstoppable :)