#conession

Note: I know this is petty but sometimes you just need to vent. I'll probably regret this later

So it's official there will be one sentence I will never be able to say in my life. "We dated in college." To some it may not seem like a big deal but to me it is. It's a signifier that I've possible made almost no meaningful relationships thus far and no romantic ones. So the only con conclusion I can draw is that I suck and am destined to never say "We dated in college" to my kids one day when they ask me about a family friend or to my parents should I introduce them to someone or even to a new friend after I leave this place, because it hasn't happened yet. Nothing romantically exciting has happened and I have a semester and a third left.

Through out my life I've learned more and more about my mom and the way that she was before she met my dad. I learned she went to clubs, I go to shows. I learned she really liked science and bodies, I avoid bio and joined the chem club. And I've learned that she had a few ex boyfriends one she thought she'd marry and one who joined the military. Neither of which are my father. But most of all I learned she lived a life before me. Nothing really signified that like the thought that if she had married some other guy my brother and I wouldn't exist. It's that simple. 

When I came to college the one thing I wanted to do was slow down. I was always the girl that had been there but let to go somewhere else just before the picture was taken. I wanted to be everywhere but in the eyes of the photographs that people will look back on I wasn't there. Now I fear that I have focused so much on getting in the picture that I forgot to make sure there was someone to take it. Or even to look back on it with and maybe it's too late. You know I doubt that you'll be able to find me in pictures now ...

But anyway I'm not saying I want a relationship like Meg and Joe or even Corey and Em. Because I'm pretty sure being that codependent on someone else can't be that healthy no matter how happy it makes you. To be so close that you haven't gone a day without seeing each other or sleeping in the same bed. I don't want that I do however want the love that comes with be our age and thinking you can go on forever. I want to trust someone enough to feel that way about them. I even want to get my heart broken by them just so I know I can eel something. Stupid I know but  I'm almost constantly searching for a connection to drag me out of this numb pit I find myself in. So sometimes I need to be reminded of pain or heart break. After all how can I write about what I haven't felt.

Maybe it's all just to fill the void and prove that I matter to someone not biologically related to me or who has known me all my life but I'm sick of being alone, sick of being THAT friend. The one who everyone hangs with until they couple up and they come to wen they have problems but never in between. But honestly I just want to be remembered. I want to fell and I want to love someone so much it hurts. and I'm afraid I can't do that.

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