#condom negotiation

Courtney Martin, Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters

We need comprehensive sex education so, so, so badly! In these classes, we need to talk about healthy sexual relationships, even for teenagers, and all that that includes, such as how to talk about condom use, how to be assertive in asking for what you want and need, how to have conversations with your partner (long term or short term) about sexual health.

What do you wish you (or your partner) would have learned in a sex ed class?

(anon messages welcome!)

As someone who works in sexual health education, I’m used to telling people that it’s important to be as safe as possible as much as possible, whether you’re in a relationship or playing the field.

But if we're thinking realistically, not everyone does that, especially when they’re in long term relationships. When I was a full time sex health educator and HIV counselor and tester, I talked to many people who were in relationships of 2 years or 20 years who did not use protection. And to me, it made sense that once you’re with someone for a while, you might know their sexual history, and you might have even gotten tested with them. Also, you trust them enough to know that they won’t cheat on you and pick up an STI while doing that.

According to a study of condom use among 15-24 year olds in Angola, people who were married or in relationships were less likely to use condoms. And according to a survey of adults in the United States, only 19% of respondents reported that they used condoms in an ongoing relationship.

Of course, there are many reasons for not using barrier methods with a long term partner. Perhaps you and your partner have no risk of getting pregnant, or a very low risk because one of your is on birth control. Or maybe you have a very low risk of contracting an STD.  Or maybe you prefer to do sexual activities that are less risky, such as oral sex or dry humping. It’s possible that you have been tested with your partner and/or you know about their sexual history.

As an educator, I generally stand by my rule of using barrier methods as much as possible, getting tested and encouraging your partner to get tested, and honest and open communication about sex. But I totally understand why someone in a committed relationship would not want to use protection, although I still  think it’s incredibly important to get tested with your partner at least once a year.  Most sexually active people will contract an STD in their lifetime, and some of them could cause infertility, cancer, and other health problems. And of course, it’s always good to communicate with your partner about what you both want and need from your sexual relationship.

So what do you think about not using barrier methods in a relationship? Has this worked for you? Is there a certain time in the relationship when you decided to stop using barrier methods?

Let me know your thoughts here or on Twitter.

Many people know that there are benefits to using condoms or dental dams during sex, but of course not everyone does use them. Sometimes, one partner wants to use protection and the other does not believe that it’s a big. Or perhaps, one partner has more power in the relationship.

  If you want to use protection with your partner, it’s important to be vocal about it. After all, it is about your body, your health, and your emotional well being. Here are a couple good reasons why you should negotiate barrier use with your partner:

1. Because you and your partner like/love/care about each other. (If you are not dating or in some sort of relationship, then it’s because you and your sex partner are decent people who respect the decisions of each other.) If you care about someone, and they are about you, then you value each others opinions, you respect each others’ feelings and decisions, and you don’t want to make each other feel uncomfortable. You want sex to be fun, enjoyable, and without the anxiety that comes with wondering about getting pregnant or getting and STD.

2. Because you want to protect yourself. And because you have the right to protect yourself from pregnancy and STDs. Your partner, whether it’s someone you’ve known for 1 hour or 1 year, should respect that.

You may also want to talk to your partner about getting tested for STIs. If they resist, offer to go with them to get tested.

Communication about sex is very important, whether it’s for a one time encounter or a long term relationship. Effective communication can lead to a safer and more comfortable sexual experience.

For more information, see these blogs on condom negotiation by Planned Parenthood and Amplify.