#concerning thoughts

i never up actually doing it. i lay in bed and cry with 0 motivation and stare at my clothing pile on the end of my bed

So yeah, that was my issue I guess I just resolved.

People think that I can't handle things properly or safely, alone. That I don't know how to do it. I know how to be alone and how to stand on my own two feet. I raised myself. I had to teach myself everything, I had no one to learn from, no one to set guidelines. It was me and only me. Very few occasions in my life have I ever had someone to fully turn too. I'm going to get through. I know I am. I might hurt myself a long the way, I'll fumble for sure. I'll still get through this time in my life. I've overcame everything else. I always know and believe this but I equally have The Beast that tries to say and convince me otherwise. The Beast that will spark off of nothing and spread like wildfire, reaching out and corrupting everything about the way I think. Slamming an optimistic mood into nothing. It's never been anything but a constant battle to win that. Currently now getting all the help I can. On new meds. I know that all they will do is numb it. They aren't and won't ever be the thing that's getting me out of bed every day; making sure I eat everyday; making sure I don't haul myself over the bridge everyday, that's all me. I'm self loathing and get wrapped up in my shit. I lash out at nothing and express my bullshit into the void because it's easier. Doesn't mean deep down I don't know what I'm capable of. It's just so much easier to stay in the hell you know, the hell you've known your entire concious life. I've fucked up. I've made mistakes and I've hurt people. I can't take them back and I get no do-overs. No one does. I can and will get through it all, regardless of whether there's much left of me or not. It's just how it is and how I've got to try and think. As, if I lose this time, The Beast wins, for good.