#concerning corvids

except if it was I'd be taking you problems and expecting you to fix them for me I'd be talking only to you I'd be fighting tooth and nail to keep you from talking with others

But I'm not

I'm having to ask others for help they can't give, I can't talk to you about anything, even small things like videos because you cut it off quickly like I've stepped over some line and this is a punishment, even when you're the one to tell me something first you quickly reel back like I don't fucking deserve to hear it

You didn't tell me we should stop contact you said reduced contact I assumed it would be like what you do with your friends where you have some little running conversation and you guys send a response to each other every few hours or once a day or something

Did you forget the part where I'm a person too and that I have thoughts and feelings and react to things, that I don't want to be treated like the schoolyard bullies spread a rumor I've got some made up disease, that I want people I care about to interact with me, and yes I still fucking care about you therefore I want to interact. 

If you think you're scared trying standing where I am

Lost, confused, in open water, and every problem that keeps coming up is stemming from you saying that everything I'm doing is somehow me being dependent on you. Every. Single. One. I tell you something, that means I'm obviously being dependent NO YOU JACKASS I'M TRYING TO HAVE CONVERSATION. I try to say something I did well because I like praise OBVIOUSLY DEPENDENCE IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ASKING EVERYONE ONLINE WHAT THEY THINK THAT COULD NEVER BE.

I want to be not focused on this but you're making it really fucking hard just by assuming that I am

YOu're making me doubt myself because you keep telling me I'm still dependent, everything I'm doing is a sign of dependence, all of it, nothing I'm doing can possibly be me being me you're making it hard to tell if I'm actually doing anything right because I do things and think I'm doing well and then my anxiety's new trick to is to say 'no that's still dependence because she said you're still dependent' no matter what it is because it knows I still fucking trust you

No, wanting space is not abuse or bullying, but not letting me think I'm actually doing something for myself or doing anything well and treating me like talking is stepping over a line is mistreating me, and it shoves me into a fog and it makes this harder

And it leaves me without the ability to confirm for myself I'm getting better, because suddenly you're the gatekeeper of this and it feels like I have to come crawling to you to ask if this thing or that is dependence and you say no to everything

and having to ask you, as you're well aware, is dependence

Stop eating away at my own goals. Treat me like a friend and human being who is trying really hard at a difficult task because that is what I am and contrary to wisdom of war movies, I do need people to lean on and support me even if that support is nothing but someone to talk about science videos with. Let me have that. If others are willing to give it to me then I want to think it's not dependence.