#con2ad

the uninterrupted tension and unease that formerly found dwelling within the breadth of broad shoulders has seemed to dissipate, week by week and month by month, it got easier. respite and calm one with him, again. he'd recognized that what he was to ever have with belly was nothing more than friendship, the best friendship, but nothing more. they weren't meant to be, they weren't conrad and belly. there was a time where that mere thought would orbit and choke out his mind over and over again, confabulate the grandest visions and assumptions of them together and happy, and him discarded. not because he needed to compensate for any loss of memory, but as if hurting himself would make it easier to let go of her, for good. but that's the last thing he was supposed to do — jeremiah knew that they loved him, knows that they love him, so what he truly necessitated was to reconnect, to secure that bonds of their friendship even tighter than it ever was and remain. so that he did, and his chest felt less heavy. acceptance bled into his heart and absolved him from the suffering experience of what he can only assume love is. who knows, they really could've loved one another in a much.... dissimilar way, in their own way, but it could never feel right, that much he knows. he and conrad were progressively doing the same, finding their way back to each other. he lets himself accept, he lets himself confess, that he'll always need his brother. that he'll always want his brother.

his lengthy torso slants forth in his seat on the dock where they both overlook the sea, forearms leaning against his thighs to support his weight, his brother sat alongside. head relatively bows at conrad's sincerity, he sounds real as ever, as he normally would when he and jeremiah would talk. he missed this, he missed him. ❝ i know you didn't, ❞ he nods, allowedly now, hands clasping between his knees before a softened gaze glances out at the temperate waves. ❝ everything just got fucked up for too long, you know? it took me a while to come around because it was just hard. i love her, but not the way you do, con. it would've been even more fucked up to stand in the way. ❞ he glances over at him then, chin brushing the threads of his knitted shirt, baby blues twinkling in the setting sun. ❝ i never wanted to hurt you either. ❞

there have been more instances than he can count during the resurgence of his mom’s disease where he allowed himself to pretend that they were back at the beginning of last summer.     when he hadn’t known she was sick again, when he didn’t have to wake up everyday and call to mind that with every passing moment, she could descend into death’s embrace.     today wasn’t one of those days.     today it was real, and as much as it exhaustively aggrieved him, there was an urge to move and cauterize the apprehension and despair that weighed conrad and him down.     he’s felt alone, so alone as of late, and he needed someone that wasn’t there. but right now he had conrad.     right now they had each other, and he’d be damned to simply dismiss that.     he wouldn’t waste another second.     ❝     all right, get up.     ❞     bounding to his feet and thumping the back of his brother’s shoulder in one fluid movement, jeremiah gives him another jostle — with meaning that time.     ❝     come on, connie.     now, get up, we’re going.     ❞

while still swathed in the innocence of youth, it wasn’t uncommon knowledge that his big brother proved intelligence beyond his years.   some of jeremiah’s earliest memories were of conrad arriving home from school to studiously get through his homework, while jeremiah made a beeline for his video games.    it's not that jeremiah didn't care about his grades, he did, but he cared about them more for susannah and adam's sakes.    he looked to his dad for recognition at times, and half the time, he didn’t realize he was even in search of it.    on the one hand he’s appreciative of it, because it got him to care about things that could be important for his future. but on the other, he wished he'd done it for himself.   though jeremiah couldn’t necessarily attribute the same studious qualities to himself, he was smart and bright in his own way, and now he looks to conrad with pride.  it took him time to shed his jealousy, it took him years to deconstruct and separate the things he’d been envious of and those that would simply never be meant for him.   in allowing himself to be awash with pride for his brother, he'd fallen into himself more.   he’s found safety and a foothold in this world without susannah fisher safeguarding him, he’s reclaimed a home in his multiplying family.   

                   it's a bad idea. even worse than that; it's a terrible idea and caroline knows it as much. and yet, as she stares back at conrad, seeing the sadness in his eyes that he so desperately tries to conceal, she just knows she'll say yes.           ❝     conrad ...     ❞            a sigh, a plea. slender fingers run through golden waves, pushing her grown out bangs away from her face.           ❝     are you sure you wanna do that? you can be the bigger person.     ❞            blue eyes flicker to the other side of the room, where she easily spots jeremiah with a smiling belly tucked into his side. they look cute together; that much she has to admit. but it pains her to know conrad is suffering right now.           ❝     okay, fine — i'll do it.     ❞            she relents at last, chugging the last of her beer before setting the empty bottle down on the counter.           ❝     but i get to say i told you so when this blows up in your face, got it?     ❞ 

screaming crying they are everything to me, and i adore you so much. you, my love, are corndad fisher through and through ♡ i thank you and ida so much for giving me the space to flesh out jere as i have, and for making it so comfortable to share my headcanons and ideas without fear of judgement or backlash. you're so amazing and i'm perpetually in awe of you, kt 😭