#compilationofmemories

Birthday came early this year. Thankful to be blessed with an abundance of good energy, grounded & steadfast people, and immense love & support 💚🍀

Material things are nice, but more than that, I find myself thanking my friends & family for the purposefulness to go on, the tenacity to keep my head above the water, and the resolve to keep going.

Via happy-pancakes

So what’re you, what’re you so afraid of? Darling you, you give, but you cannot take love -

***** My thoughts are hard to make out - I’ll admit my headspace isn’t as clear as I want it to be.. Days easily become nights and nights easily become day, but somewhere in my reality where all the thoughts and feelings have intermingled and become a blur, I begin to realize that there is an unmistakable void that has been seeping deeper and deeper into the cracks of my armour. It has become so easy to invite new, unfamiliar faces in and blur out faces of the past- ones that still linger and remind me of the unmistakable scars that I cannot completely conceal no matter what lengths I go to. In an attempt to escape the darkness, I’ve dragged my heart through the mud where lotus flowers have yet to bloom... The thought has never once crossed my mind- that one day I would be battling a state that I now live in; one that makes my skin crawl at the thought of facing my inner demons. Perhaps it was the perception that I had always had.. An expectation I expected myself to live up to- that had not allowed me to step back and allow my weaknesses to surface. But we’re all human- It’s okay to not be okay; to not have to be the cream of the crop at all times. To live fully, wholly, and to be true to oneself is the most respectful and honourable thing that can be done for oneself. Maybe, just maybe- I can embrace all the ugly, all my past, all the scars, and still see the beauty in emerging victorious through it all. After all, it is quite the victory to have escaped the brink of insanity, don’t you think?

Sincerely, 

You are my whole heart, before the discovery of heart break that first time I felt myself breaking down.

***

I was driving out in the middle of the night, sitting in an emergency room all alone, and my vision becoming red and blurry from the late night drive. 

Emotional. Emotionless... Trying to find a middle ground between the two. 

To say I was feeling fragile, hopeless, vulnerable--was an understatement at the time. There are still days where I struggle, but I’m so blessed and lucky to be alive, to be supported by one of the best support networks. Although... I don’t always run to anyone. It has never been easy to open up. Thats why I understand completely, when people have a hard time opening up.

Isn’t it ironic that I can get people to open up to me, yet some of the fondest memories shared between these strangers and I, are merely first impressions?

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