#comma use

The truly fascinating thing about commas is apparently to most online proofreaders, they are invisible. The words before this read more were put through 5 punctuation, grammar, and spelling machines. One actually suggested I add a comma in the first sentence, after sinner. It also thought the additional uses of “commas” should have been “coma” and “commies” respectively. Another suggested “The biggest” instead of “the bigger” would be more appropriate. They saw other mistakes, like using an exclamation point was apparently a sin if it’s under 1000 words but !?! is perfectly valid, and my sentences should be 19-23 words long, how dare I fall short. But my commas, including the last joking sentence? Nope, fine apparently. So what does this tell us? Online checkers are bad at this. This means the algorithms to commas are partially something humans just feel. That’s scary, because it means the firm rules can be broken easily enough they’re completely dismissed. On the other hand, that means you can totally cheese your way through most of this and get creative without anyone batting an eyelash given they haven’t been trained to specifically hate commas. I’m going to go wild here: it’s like a comma-use gene in a linguistic DNA chain, people who are trained in writing or English by specific others will carry the traits of the teacher to the next generations, and comma use is one of them.

Caveat, there are some rules I can actually teach you to work off which people will actually bitch about endlessly because they have firm ground under them to do so. This is good, because it means I’m not writing this article just to hear myself talk about new personal theories about learning being breeding ideas. Anyways here we go.

Rule One: Use a comma when you have two complete sentences separated by and, but, for, or, nor, so, or yet.

“I am a dog, and I am smart.” That needs a comma. “I am a dog and smart.” That doesn’t because ‘smart’ ain’t a fuckin’ complete sentence y’nad. Fancy terms call the complete sentences ‘independent clauses’ and the list of words a list of ‘coordinating conjunction’ but somehow it just seems rude to add extreme vocab when we’re trying to learn other shit here. So I’ll stick to layman’s terms as we go through this beautifully layered crapheap. Anyways, there’s an additional little kick in the teeth here. If you don’t use one of those special breaking-apart words to make the second sentence grody by itself? You should use a semicolon. AKA:  “I am a dog; I am smart.” Yep. We managed to get semi-colons in here. If you use a comma here without one of those words before, it’s a comma splice. Don’t do that shit.

Rule Two: If the first word you use means your sentence is no longer complete because it implies another idea is coming, throw a comma in.

That’s actually an example itself. I said ‘if’ and suddenly I had to throw something after the complete sentence already there to finish it. ‘Because’, ‘if’, ‘when’; these are all words that sit there and suggest to you that ‘if this, then that’, and as such are dependent clauses. Actually ‘if this, then that’, looks like one too. Ooh shit, running to the next rule before that’s all I write.

Rule Three: If you’re adding more info in the middle of a sentence, info that could be said later, but you don’t wanna wait, you need a comma to offset it.

And another example in the rule, kiddos! If in a sentence you want to add another idea to a sentence that doesn’t really flow with the rest, throw commas around it. It’s like soft parenthesis. You get to wedge an idea in there that is mostly related but not a complete sentence by itself, and then run away giggling. This also holds true if you’re gonna subtly shove in something that negates the rest of the sentence. “The doggo we know, not the cat, asked for treats.” See? Same if you change your train of thought at any point, perhaps like this, or like this, or even in a situation like this. Not a list, just a bunch of thought changes. 

Rule Four: Do you have a list of items numbering more than three? COMMA CRAZE TIME. 

Everybody gets a comma! You get a comma! They get a comma! Commas for everyone! More to the point, commas after every item in a list. If you get a rabbit, a carrot, a dog, and a ball, then everyone in that list gets a comma. The one before ‘and’ is hotly debated. Yep. Nerds don’t have anything better to do. It’s called the Oxford comma, and it pisses some people off because they hate commas and think it’s unneeded. Cool. But as the ye olde internet likes to remind us: if you put the strippers, JFK, and Nixon into a hot tub it’s a party. If you put the strippers, JFK and Nixon into a hot tub, you have two former presidents wondering why they have to take their clothing off for money.

Hold up! What if you do something dumb like make a list that has commas inside the list points? Like I do, constantly. Also done by people who like to list states and their capitals constantly. What do we do?! Well you use a semi-colon. YEP, it’s back again! “George, Washington; Boring, Oregon; and Intercourse, Pennsylvania are all real places.” There you go, that neatens things way the hell up when you consider the alternative.

This also applies if you’re gonna list attributes of an item. Like, if you’re describing a really cute, sweet, soft, loving doggo? Commas for every trait you list that could have an ‘and’ in place of the comma. Or you could be gross and call it a really cute and sweet and soft and loving doggo but the overabundance of the word ‘and’ is really only gonna help you if you have a wordcount goal to reach. Also note, no comma between the last descriptor and the item. That’s just confusing.

Rule Five: If you start the sentence by using a -ly word, offset the -ly word so he looks extra fancy.

Finally, this is here. Actually, yeah, that first sentence and this one are both examples. You try to jump your readers with a word to change how they feel about a sentence, and you gotta give ‘em a second so they realize how you want them to feel. Pretty much any adverb does this. Enjoy! However, and things that make you go ‘shit wait’ like... by the way, or furthermore, or anything that says ‘okay listen we’re gonna keep talking and change your mind or add more evidence’ are also times you should use it. As an aside, some people hate having however at the start of a sentence because it’s not strong enough. They can suck my balls, one at a time, unless they plan on giving me a grade. On the other hand, we should point out that if you use any of these words:  however, moreover, therefore, consequently, otherwise, nevertheless, and thus; you can use a semi colon between that and the last sentence and it’s a cleaner read. Try and ban me from using them by themselves if I’m going off on another topic entirely, and I’ll cut you (out of my editing department).

Rule Six: Commas replace periods only when leading into or away from quotation marks, and hug the butt of the last section written.

So she said, “Hi,” and I said, “Hi.” That’s the example, showing that commas are outside of the quotes, unless part of the quotes by replacing a period. Let’s get metaphorical now to re-explain. Commas are open doors. Periods are closed doors, and go at the end of a sentence when nothing else is happening. Exclamation points and question marks are not implied by the end of a sentence, and add extra information. Therefore, if there is a period and you want to continue the overall sentence while leading out of quotations, or into quotations, use the comma. It’s an open door. Questions and exclamation marks are rare shiny gems though, display them instead of a comma at the end of a sentence, even if you do continue. Because who don’t wanna see the pretty rare information giving shit, more than a comma? This one might be hard for folks sometimes because they want to break a sentence apart with additional information when they maybe don’t need to. Hemmingway loved to add little additional bits inside of longer quotes. This, however, drives some readers nuts because it’s either hard to follow, or breaks the rules they were taught. So first pass when editing, remove anything that is unneeded, like a pause to add ‘she asked’ when a question mark will serve the same function. Second pass, break apart ideas. If you NEED that description, then maybe you have two sentences of them talking in a row. That’s okay to have. You only have a paragraph return if someone NEW speaks, not a second comment by someone old, unless it’s been a while since the last quote. Third pass, if you still have a comment in the middle of two parts of a quote, well fuck it, I guess it earned its place didn’t it? While I’m here, if you’re using quotation marks to define a “word”, then the comma is outside of them unless it is part of what you’re offsetting with quotations. You might notice I prefer to use apostrophes. This is an RP habit, because pulling a “word” out for air quotes instead of pulling a ‘word’ out can be confusing whether or not it is spoken when nobody knows the comma rules very well. Commas would usually dictate if it’s actually spoken rather than an in-narrative quote, but I don’t particularly trust myself or others, so apostrophes over quotation marks to offset words or phrases it is. 

Rule Seven: This is a fun complex one. Addresses, city/state pairs, and dates all need commas breaking them up.

Here let’s put all the examples into a sentence at once with a serial killer, and cringe together! “On January 24th, 1989, in Starke, Florida, Ted Bundy was executed at the address of the State Prison, 23916 NW 83rd Avenue, Raiford, FL 32026.” Fun times. Fun times... Anyways, if you just do the month and the year you don’t need a comma. If you do an address, throw a comma in between every line you’ll do, and then the city/state thing adds a comma extra. All done.

Rule Eight: If you’re gonna say yes or no, and then explain it? Stick a comma after the yes or no.

Yes, this is a rule. No, I’m not gonna even bother explaining it past this.

Rule Nine: If you’re gonna address someone or something, stick a comma in between them and the sentence. 

Name, how are you. Are you okay, sir? That kind of shit. Otherwise it makes for funky sentence constructions, like how the exclamation at Batman character Nightwing’s civilian ID, “Fuck, Dick!” becomes instead pretty much a life motto for the percentage of folk who would prefer to “Fuck Dick!” It’s an old joke, stop telling it to every Nightwing you meet.

Rule Ten: Every three digits needs a comma in big numbers.

Yay! A simple one! 10,000, 1,000, 100,000,000. It’s all the same, just count three and go. If you don’t make it to the next three, run before it catches you.

When else should you use commas? Pretty much anywhere that makes a sentence sound less confusing if you read it back to yourself. If you stumble over splitting up a sentence in any fashion, whatsoever, and you want to make it more clear what you mean? Throw in a comma to break ideas apart, hell, throw in eight. As long as they function, because they draw a line indicating that places are separate, or ideas have changed slightly, they’re pretty much always acceptable.

Where shouldn’t you use commas? When they fuck up an idea or make it hard to figure out what you mean. Like talking about a baseball. If you add a comma between the baseball and what you want to say about it, it’s a weird pause. If you talk about more than one person, and then an action, you cut off the action from the people and make it hard to tell who the fuck is doing what. Same idea: If the sentence needs to move smoothly and connect two ideas, don’t jam a comma in the way. Running across the street and into a car, doesn’t need a comma. It would give it a weird pause in the center since that’s one solid thought. Same thing with adding more to a sentence, you don’t need a comma, unless it suddenly swaps gears and your reader need the tip off the second half is gonna be fuckin’ different compared to the first half, or it switches flow somehow. Not to mention all these rules stack, so you get a lot of room for comma use. 

While I’m here, this one bugs me eternally, when you have an abbreviation like B., a name, you can use a comma after if it you want. In British English they basically said fuck you to putting periods in them anyways, but over here in America... Well if you end a sentence with it, you don’t need two periods. For example: “Someone named B..” Well that looks weird. If you’d have two different marks, however, keep both. “Isn’t that right, B.?” Perfect.