#comicsnas

@vwig

- A wool sweater decorated in the pattern of gingerbread sharks - a tiny self sustaining ocean terrarium - a small stuffed shark that doubles as a bluetooth speaker. its blepping. - Matching sweater for Seahorse Dad - A small ring made of what looks fur in resin

@holydestruction

- A wool sweater that depicts regal lions in christmas hats, in the style of a house crest - Ornate, hand engraved shampoo and coniditioner bottles, in real gold - Matching sweaters for the lion babies

@skyphile

- An angora sweater thats soft blue with clouds. The clouds glow in the dark - Matching hat and scarf - A tiny matching sweater for Icarus - A tiny desk rectangle that shows the outside weather via realtime displays like actual clouds and tiny rain. - A matching pillow bug to Morbid's ladybug, except its a lightning bug and its butt does light up

@windows9k

- A knitted windows pinball sweater - A matching one for Turing - A plate of handcut cookies that look like pizza slices

@velcrounit

- An angora sweater that looks like a god awful 90's bowling alley - Matching awful hat, socks and gloves, - A handknit vaporwave blanket

@comicsnas @comedianrhapsody

- Matching sweaters for them and the baby, the babies being a tiny rudolph sweater with a matching soft antler beanie and socks - SBAHJ cookies and a couple of hedgehog ones

@morbidkind

- A knitted sweater dress of red and gold thread - A matching one for Curio - An extinct sabertooth tiger skull - A bumblebee in amber necklace

@mindparkour

- A knit sweater that says "Merry Birdmas" its covered in so many tiny birds in hats - An alarm clock that looks like a roostering canary - A signed Cardboard Castles vinyl

@travellinggilderoy

- A gold transportilizer wristwatch with s hand tooled leather band with his name on it - An ugly christmas sweater of an angry cat breaking ornaments - A matching one for Weeb

@kindredconfectionery

- a minature functioning tomato garden - an angora sweater that looks like a typical christmas sweater "pattern" - except the motif is plants

- A set of wooden spoons with his name carved on them

- A small knit christmas bat

- A matching sweater for the baby

@riflesquiddle

- A knitted sweater made up of the elements that make up a christmas tree - A very ugly handpainted strawberry pot - A knitted dog that works as a heating pad

@clockworkkatana

- A knitted sweater that looks like an unholy combination of vinyl aesthetics and bowling alley aesthetics - A floating gear clock - A knitted sword cozy

@olivecatnip

- A very awful catpun sweater, with matching peet gloves and cat ear beanie - A 365 tea calender

@carcinogenicgallantry

- A knit sweater thats covered in bad words - An led lamp that looks like a fern - A matching sweater for the baby

@stolenfeathers

- Peanut butter seed balls in the shape of gingerbread men - Small ones for Tangy - A knit christmas sweater covered in different birds in christmas hats - A matching one for Tangy - A big knit christmas stocking for Tangy - A single christmas sock for DS - A small nest like bed (Made of cloth scraps knitted together) with Tangy's name on it

@brackishbarracuda

- A set of color coordinated knit sweaters for everyone, her included. The sizing might be a bit big - Plenty of cookies

@cherry8om8

- A real leather bomber jacket with his name stitched on the back - Matching gloves - A really silly beanie that has flames on the side - A small knit puppy

@orangeccandycanes

- A bright orange sweater covered in hoof prints - An orange soda lava lamp

@precognitiveignition

- A tiny christmas tree that floats, but theres a catch; It's entirely made of flames, sections of the tree different colored flame- like lights - A generic looking christmas sweater but the bottom half is being eaten by knitted flames - A normal, unassuming plant in a small pot. It comes with a note saying its one of the babies from the seeds Jack gave her, her first year.

@puppyscience

- A knitted sweater covered in robot puppies in christmas hats and light up eyes - A set of spices, in beaker shaped bottles - A beanie with headphones built in

@birdbizarre

WE OPEN ON A FULL-SCREEN OF A BRICK WALL, WHERE NOTHING HAPPENS FOR, QUOTE, “SEVERAL MINUTES.” “THE END” POPS UP, AND GIVES EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE A SHOT OF HOPE DIRECTLY TO THE HEART, LIKE THE RESUSCITATION SCENE IN PULP FICTION. BUT IT’S NOT THE END. IT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE.

SWEET BRO

You know what we need, Jeffryey?

HELLA JEFF

I don’t like when you call me that.

SWEET BRO

I SAID.

You know what we NEED

ASSMUNCH?

THIS, ON PAGE ONE, IS THE FIRST SIGN OF CONFLICT BETWEEN OUR PROTAGONISTS. I’M BEING MOTHER THERESA LEVELS OF GENEROUS BY USING ANY OF THOSE TERMS, USUALLY RESERVED FOR WORKS OF FICTION INSTEAD OF THIS SANDPAPERY BOWEL MOVEMENT. ANYWAY, IT’S NEVER REFERENCED AGAIN. IT’S A CHEKOV’S GUN THAT SITS ON THE TABLE, FOREVER, INERT AND UNKNOWING. WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO BE THE SAME: AN EYELESS, EARLESS, INANIMATE OBJECT, WHO COULDN’T POSSIBLY READ THIS YEAST INFECTION ON PAPER.

WE MOVE SEAMLESSLY FROM LOCATION TO LOCATION, BUT ONLY BECAUSE VOMIT DOESN’T HAVE SEAMS. FROM THE NACHO STORE OF ACT ONE, WE APPEAR IN WHAT I THINK IS A SUPERMARKET? IT ISN’T SPECIFIED. A PLACE WHERE BELL PEPPERS ARE.

MORE CONFLICT.

HELLA JEFF

Looks evil.

GREY MAN #1

The bell pepper? Bell peppers can’t be evil.

HELLA JEFF

Sounds like something,

an evil one would say.

HELLA JEFF IS MANY THINGS, INCLUDING AN IDIOT, BUT NOT RIGHT NOW, FOR SOME UNEXPLAINED REASON.

SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF PRESENT A UNITED FRONT AGAINST GREY MEN ONE AND TWO, THEIR EARLIER SQUABBLES FORGOTTEN. THE GREY MEN IMMEDIATELY FOLD, IN A SCENE WHICH I CAN ONLY IMAGINE MIRRORS WHAT THE PITCH MEETING FOR THIS FUCKING MOVIE WAS LIKE. THE “STAR POWER” OF THESE TWO CANKER SORES IS ENOUGH TO BULLDOZE ANY OPPOSITION. THIS IS GETTING AD HOMINEM, BUT FUCK IT, I’M WORKING HARDER ON THIS REVIEW THAN TUMBLR USER COMICSNAS WORKED ON THE SCREENPLAY.

INT. A PARK AT NIGHT. IT’S RAINING. GEROMY clips through the floor.

ONE: THAT’S NOT INTERIOR, THAT’S EXTERIOR. HOW CAN IT BE AN INTERIOR PARK, COMPLETE WITH RAIN? SURPRISE, IT CAN’T. TWO: WHO THE FUCK IS GEROMY? IN TWO HUNDRED FULL PAGES, HE IS NEVER MENTIONED, NOT ONCE. THREE: WHY THE SUDDEN VIDEOGAME REFERENCE? FOUR: SERIOUSLY WHO IS HE??? IS HE IMPORTANT? DO I NEED TO SEE THE TWO PREQUELS FOR CONTEXT? WHY WOULD YOU SEND ME A PROJECT THAT DOESN’T STAND ON ITS OWN???? DO YOU WANT ME TO LOSE MY MIND?

SWEET BRO

Imbecile*. You know nothing.

(*pronounced imbessool)

IF YOU WANT ME TO MCFREAKING LOSE IT, YOU ARE DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO SUCCEEDING.

THE RISING ACTION OF THE SCRIPT IS HIDDEN UNDER LAYERS OF POND SCUM AND MASTURBATORY, SELF-REFERENTIAL “””””HUMOR,””””” BUT APPARENTLY IT’S TO DO WITH THE ENVIRONMENT. THERE’S A THING WITH A GIRAFFE AND A MOTORCYCLE THAT’S TOO LONG FOR ME TO QUOTE DIRECTLY. THERE’S A SPECIFIC NOTE TO USE RED SPOONS AND CAKELIKE SYMBOLISM IN THE BACKGROUND OF THIS SCENE. THERE’S A LOT OF HORSESHIT SET DRESSING IN THE MARGINS OF THIS THING, BUT THIS STANDS OUT TO ME FOR TWO REASONS. ONE, PAID ADVERTISING FOR CORPORATIONS IS USUALLY WAY LESS SUBTLE THAN THAT. TWO, IT’S KIND OF IMPLIED THAT THE CEO OF THIS COMPANY IS AN ALIEN? THERE’S THIS WEIRD SCIENCE FICTIONY VIBE TO THE CLIMAX, AND IT’S ONE OF THE ONLY THINGS THAT IS FORESHADOWED AND ACTUALLY COMES TO FRUITION. EVERYTHING IN THIS MOVIE LIVES AND DIES WITHOUT PURPOSE, BUT THIS MESSAGE IS SUCCESSFULLY DELIVERED. NO CLUE WHAT IT MEANS, THOUGH.

WHILE THE WRITING IS AN INSCRUTABLE MESS THAT LIVES AND DIES WITHOUT PURPOSE, THE METATEXUAL LAYERS OF THIS STORY ARE JUST FUCKING DEPRESSING. THIS IS THE THIRD OF THESE MOVIES, IMPLYING THAT THERE IS A DEMAND FOR THE AUDIOVISUAL EQUIVALENT OF CATCHING YOUR PUBES IN YOUR ZIPPER. THE COMMITMENT TO PARATAXIS IS SO UNWAVERING THAT, IF THERE IS ONLY A POLYSYLLABIC WORD FOR WHAT HE WANTS, HE WILL FUCKING INVENT A SHORTER ONE TO SUIT HIS NEEDS. “LAUNDROMAT” BECOME “LAUNDO.” “TAQUERIA” BECAUSE “NANCH.” IT SERVES AS A STARK VISION OF AN IDIOCRACY-LIKE FUTURE, WHERE WORDS BAD AND NO THINK GREAT.

I FOUND THIS STORY MORALLY, EMOTIONALLY, GRAMMATICALLY, AND PERSONALLY OFFENSIVE. BECAUSE IT EXISTS, GOD CANNOT. WHEN WE DIE, THERE IS ONLY BLACKNESS. A FIXED SHOT OF BLACKNESS FOR SEVERAL MINUTES, UNTIL “THE END” POPS UP.