PSA for all Deadpool and Wolverine fanfic writers: Stop writing Logan at a normal weight!
In the comics Logan is 5'3. Everyone knows that. What most don't know is that even at 5'3 he weighs 300 lbs. His skeleton is metal. He's real dense. Man cannot get in a body of water, he will sink every time (this is cannon).
What does that mean for movie!Logan?
He's gonna weigh a lot more. Hugh Jackman is 6'2! He is 11 inches taller than comic!Logan. That means 11 inches of more skeleton metal. He probably weighs closer to like 400lbs. If not more.
When he lays on top of someone, they will feel it. Good luck getting him off of whoever he slept on top of. Good luck breathing.
Edit: @vigilantsycamore did the math and apparently Logan would be closer to 500lbs. Everyone thank them for blessing us with math
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NOTES: FINALLY iâm posting my first oneshot! iâm crazy new to this but i really wanted to post something Wolverine related considering i never shut up about himâŠ,.,,⊠hope yall enjoy!!
WC: 1,668 words
TAGS: hurt/comfort, Comic!Logan (I def used some of his Originsâ backstory though el oh el), established âfriendshipâ, ALMOST make-out scene, no smut, reader is basically the same height as Logan, really slight description of violence, a little unserious and silly
October 12th.
It used to be a somewhat fun occasion back when Logan was still Jimmy the sickly little Victorian boy. His family was well off enough to afford him gifts and heaps of food that he could barely stomach while showering him in attention he wasnât all that present for. Couldâve been out of pity or something, but thereâs no way of him knowing that now.
The earliest memory of his birthday that stuck after taking three rounds of adamantium between the eyes was Sabretooth hunting him down. The biting cold of bum-fuck nowhere, Canada, the actual biting and tearing of flesh, the hours of endless beatdowns that left Logan in a heap while his torn flesh weaved together layer by layer.
Whatâs even worse is that the rat bastard made this a tradition.
And considering Loganâs as old as dirt, thereâs only so many birthday punchies he can endure from a bloodthirsty maniac before he starts to loathe it. He does his best to block the day out of his mind, ducking the other X-Men to avoid any pointlessâand frankly annoyingâbirthday wishes from them. Itâs almost impressive how absent he manages to be on his own birthday.
Cut to what feels like his billionth âspecial dayââheâs shacked up in a seedy dive bar nursing whatâs now half a bottle of Jackâs while awaiting his inevitable crashout with his feline freak of a nemesis. His leg is bouncing off the stool, his hand is clenched hard around the glass heâs refilled countless times, and his muscles are tensed in preparation.
You, however, didnât seem to get the memo.
Wellâyou did. Youâre just politely ignoring it. A completely inconspicuous excess of cash magically found its way to your pockets after a couple battles with anti-mutant thugs, and youâd been hanging off Loganâs shoulder long enough to take note of his favorite brands.
And thank fuck you garnered as much money as you did, because the manâs tastes were almost disgustingly expensive.
And now, here you were with a small box held behind your back while you finally found the bar Logan was brooding in. Took a good couple hours to track emâ down, but a win is a win regardless.
ââŠYou know I ainât celebratinâ. Get lost, bub.â Logan pipes up the moment he catches your scent sneaking closer, a scowl pinning itself to the burned in plasma screen bolted to a high point on the bar.
âOh come onâyouâre not even takinâ gifts? I had to study for this, man.â You huffed in complaint, hovering over the stool next to him.
And before Logan can press you to leave, the box you held behind your back slides into view and thuds softly against the wood counter. It earns a side eye from the older man, a glimpse of shock chipping away at his stoned mask just a teenie bit at the sight of the boxâs logo.
âBribinâ me with a couple smokes ainât gettinâ you anywhââ The minute Logan unlatches the box and opens it, heâs met with the sight of a FULL box. Stacked to the brim with tightly wrapped cigars that held the brandâs shiny sticker. He gives you a fully stunned look, almost slack jawed as he quickly shut it and cursed under his breath.
ââŠIâd make a real shit cop.â He mutters as he taps the worn leather of the seat cushion beside him in a silent demand to take a seat.
And youâre SAT. Itâs almost comical how fast you scurry into the seat. Youâre lucky itâs bolted to the floor, or else you would have conked your head on the grimy hardwood real hard. Thereâs a beat of silence as Logan takes a cigar from the top of the box and almost glares at it in an attempt to spot something wrong. But he finds nothing. Shitâthey donât even smell off. He extends a claw halfway to snip off the ends, reaching into his pocket for a lighter.
FINALLY you get to show off again.
You bring a hand to stop him, fishing through your own pocket to fish out the second half of your gift.
âHollonââ You whip out a silver zippo lighter. âTa-da!â
âŠ
âHow empty is your wallet right now?â Logan questions, taking the lighter from you and scanning each detail of the silver embossments on it.
ââŠI think a moth or three is in it right now.â You jest, watching as he drags a finger over the detailing.
Thereâs a traditional Japanese-style dragon curled on the front, the silver metal darkened in the crevices to look grungy. The rest of it is black, save for the engraving on the side. The letters of his name are straight and jagged, each shiny silver line meant to look like a claw had scratched it in. Heâs almost mad at how much he likes it, because it means he has to admit that oneâhe really is an art nerd, and twoâheâs getting soft. His stomach twists a little, but not in the âthereâs perilous danger incoming and everyoneâs gonna dieâ way. More in the âthis stupid kissboyâs worming his way further into his good gracesâ kinda way. And he doesnât know what to do with it.
âThis is dumb, yâknow. Ainât a reason for a lighter tâbe this extra.â He grumbles as he gives it another shift between his fingers.
âI meanâfâyou donât like it I can jusâââ You reach for it, but Logan snatches it away before you can even graze it. âAhtâBack off. Yer gonna have tâpry this from my cold dead hands in 200 years.â
He hunches over the lighter slightly, clinking it open and striking the little wheel a couple times before it came to life while you stifle a giggle. The cigar eventually starts to glow a faint red at the tip, and Logan drags in a hefty breath that he holds. It takes a moment before the smoke billows from his lips, and something in you lurches with glee at the sight of said smoke framing his bearded face. His blue eyes dart to you, watching with a raised brow as you pretend to look anywhere else but him. And poor soulâinstead of catching on to what were probably some FREAK nasty thoughtsâhe thinks you want to bum a puff of his cigar. His hand tilts to offer it over, but you shake your head.
âMâgood. Iâd probably cough up a lung or two.â You donât wanna admit you hate smoking in general.
Because if weâre being honest, itâs kind of a lie. Sureâif you walked past strangers youâd cough like you had pneumonia to make em feel a little guilty. But with a scent that didnât make you want to dry heave and a lethally handsome face behind it, you could only bring yourself to pretend that the cigars were too strong for you.
But this⊠this old man has to go and insist.
ââŠCould always shotgun it.â Itâs aggravating how fast you wanted to blurt out an okay. âWouldnât mind sharinâ my gift a lil.â
This little bastard knows what heâs doing. He HAS to, considering thereâs a ghost of a smirk on his face at the sight of your shock. You clear your throat behind a clenched hand, trying to play nonchalant and failing horribly.
âI meanâyeah, sure. Whatever, I guess...â You canât even look at him properly itâs that embarrassing.
Your face runs hot when you lean a little closer, eyes squeezed shut as if youâre ready to get punched or something.
âGood godârelax, bub. Yâlook like Iâm handinâ you a pipe bomb.â Logan leans in too, but his free hand grabs at your collar and pulls you even closer.
Words are failing you fast, leaving whatever retort you could come up with in the dust before you even thought about the first word. Your eyes peek open, watching his chest puff as he took another drag off the cigar and held it. He lets the smoke die out a little before dragging a calloused hand up the front of your jacket and to the junction between your neck and shoulder.
His large palm presses against the side of your neck, the pad of his thumb swiping across your plush bottom lip and earning a breathy sigh from you. When his hand moves to your jaw to keep your head still, you shiver at the slightly rough drag of his worn fingertips against your skin. Your stomach is doing gymnastics and the both of you can probably hear the drumming of your heart against your ribs. Your hands find purchase on his thighs to keep you upright while youâre leaned forward, and you thank whoeverâs up there for giving you an excuse to do so. You part your lips as he gets in your face, blowing the sheered out smoke into your mouth and maintaining crazy amounts of eye contact while you inhale it.
Hands clench at his muscled thighs in a bid to keep you grounded, but itâs mostly just because youâre trying to resist closing the non-existent gap between you two. However, before you can even think of kissing him, your lungs start to burn and you turn away to cough and sputter as transparent smoke puffs out of your mouth.
âYâainât supposed ta breathe it in like a shitty cigarette. Yer supposed to taste it.â Logan canât help a snicker as he pats your back while you hack up the smoke in your lungs.
âGee⊠thanks, you littleââ Whatever expletive you had for him gets lost in another coughing fit, complete with a little wheeze that finally seemed to help clear you up.
You glare over at the other man next to you, but your anger feels unfounded when you catch him almost full on grinning. Sureâit was kind of at your expenseâbut you got him to smile. On whatâs usually the worst day of his year, no less.
âŠManâyouâre really great at this whole birthday thing.
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