#colzhia

Munday Questions Emoji Edition! || Accepting

@zajevre

In truth, this is...really difficult for me to respond to. Not because I don't know how, but rather, I don't want to come off...wrong? Like I don't feel my feelings are viable in this aspect, but I feel them nonetheless. But here goes I guess.

There's...a lot of people I want to write with, especially. But the issue is, that when it comes to my musings lately and my life, my hyperfixation sticks to characters that...a lot of people haven't been interested in. I've had a few people be thrown muses at a certain time I was fixated on due to no choice on their end, and they've been actually upset with that, and when they ask for a certain muse and I have to inform them that they aren't available at the time but I could see what I can do, they get upset again. And it's been an endless struggle lately.

It should come as no surprise to anyone that my love for Kiana and Sirin has been overshadowing all my muses, and it's because of all the build up to them, the well placed (but poorly interpreted or written) lore, these two have literally dethroned muses I've rped for 10 - 15 years. They've dethroned Kurosaki Ichigo who I've written since 2005, Akame since her manga debut, Black Rock Shooter since I first saw her design in her song debut. I love them to pieces, because they are just...so...intricately designed? And yet a lot of people don't want to deal with her, or directly attack me over her, so lately I've...been a bit gunshy to give her out anymore. Unless I know people directly want her.

It's no surprise I try to keep her mostly as close to canon as possible, from her Flirtatious Nature, to her Goofball energy, to her even being quite lewd at times. Because they were her defense mechanisms and coping mechanisms to hide her crippling depression and repressed memories of pain. But then people get upset when I hyperfixate on her, or god forbid, I do something like her --- I dunno, coming up behind a partner of hers and she gropes them while hugging them. (Mind you, the partner I am rping with AT THE TIME is always fine with that as I always ask them first.) I've been attacked for 'just going for ships' when Kiana has maybe? Four? Ships all together out of everyone who meets her. She's just flirty. Doesn't mean she's your ship partner. It's gotten to the point I've thought of destroying the multi-muse and finally separating to single muse, dash only blogs again because I'm sick of it...

And this is just the hate I get over Kiana - this doesn't include then hate I get for Sirin, Akame, Rock. I get a lot of hate that lately I just store away, or delete. Normally I would address it, but I just don't have the energy nowadays.

This long rant aside, I am only going to list a few people I want to write with dearly, as there's many many more than that, but well. It leaves more to be listed if I get this prompt again.

@ayahimes || There is never a time I do not want to write with Astrid. I talk to Astrid on and off a lot on discord, and I adore her to death. Her writing, her aesthetics, her love for her muses, she has just such a high level of care to all she does, and she is a genuine blessing on my dash.

@colzhia / @virtuli || Ever since I found Myrtha through @zajevre, I have been absolutely enthralled by their writing. From their headcanons, from their portrayals, to their aesthetics. Now it's no surprise: I hate Cocolia in all aspects of her. But that has nothing to do with the writer, that has to do with Hoyo making A Good yet Conflicted Villain type. From the minute I met Cocolia in Honkai 3rd Impact, I fucking hated her guts. To what she did to Bronya, to what she did to Rozaliya and Liliya, to The Deep. I hated her. So it's no surprise I am BIASED towards hating her when it came to Supreme Guardian Cocolia being a snake in the grass. But at least as far as HSR's Cocolia? She was a lot more morally gray, and I felt a better...feeling towards her? I still don't like her, but I don't just outright hate her guts, even though she's written to be disliked. And that's one of the main essences of a WELL WRITTEN 'VILLAIN'. If you can hate them, they were written well. But I don't find myself always hating them, as they just...are that type of conflicted character, and I enjoy that. And then we all know how much of a SIMP I am for Seele, in both games. I'm also super excited for the day Veliona has her debut in Star Rail since she is in it, and we have clear evidence.

@winterstage || Alright so, I found Scooby through Val, and Val has sung absolute praises over Scooby, and not a single word has been wrong to me. From their aesthetics, their writing, their portrayals, I am left in absolute awe every post I read on my dash. (And trust me, I scroll dash lazily a lot between playing League or XIV. So I often see them when they post~) Serval was one of my favorite characters of the Jarilo VI arc, and this burns even brighter to me with Scooby's portrayals. It's not really much else to say but short and sweet --- Scooby is fantastic!

@fanflames || Okay so this is really shameful but I don't have as much to say about Andy or Tingyun because I stopped playing Star Rail at the Cocolia fight. Sue me, but I just do not like the gameplay enough to play it often, the characters are great, the story is meeeeeh. It's about as interesting as the first 9 chapters of H3I to me. (Which means ups and downs as Wendy's story was okay, but Will of the Herrscher was peak. And yes, the lead up to Cocolia is great, but Underground felt...lackluster.) But I read quite often when they post, and they make me want to meet Tingyun in game to see more of her. Will I eventually? Eh, probably one day. But I enjoy Tingyun through them and really just them.

@zajevre || Now Sue you didn't think you'd get off this list, did you? No no, sit right down! Because you are someone I am always both anxious, but delightfully wanting to write more and more with. Anxious because I don't want to throw just...half-assed out of the wall garbage? I want to throw something lasting, something...refreshing, something well pieced together. And yet my brain is like the monkey with cymbals clanging away most of the time, barely able to think of how. Sure, that comes down to having stopped the game myself...as well as using muses not from the same game. But that doesn't mean I dont absolutely adore you. I've adored you since I found you a looooong time ago when I was mostly just an Akame solo blog, and that surely won't change. I read your headcanons, your rants, your posts, and eat them up like candy always awaiting eagerly to your next~

@omniscias || Wow, where to begin with this one. Well first off, Fu Xuan was the one who actually introduced me to wanting to play the beta, as I am a beta tester, and it was her design, her trailer, everything about her that made me go 'okay Ill give this a try' a month before launch. Then I got hooked on the pre-launch Silver Wolf / Seele combo that could 2 woman any fight in a single turn before they nerfed that shit into the dirt (rightfully so). But it was her beautiful design, then what appeared that she had almost like an 'authority of time', with her entrance and all. Then it was her voice, WHOO her voice. That got me so strongly I just practically fainted kdsljfls. Ahem, but then we get to Aeris: an absolute joy to read every single post of theirs, and their aesthetics are out of this world. So pretty, and then the writing? I cannot say much because thought I WAS a beta tester, I only tested the characters, I never tested the full story. So once more, still stuck in Snowy Land, but just off bits I've seen of her / played as her / heard her voice lines? Aeris does Fu Xuan true justice to me. And just a side note, Aeris also has a Pela blog and that lil cutie is one of my fave of the Jarilo group, soooo...exceptionally excited for that to get going!

@kangai || Last but certainly not least, as there's no order to this list and I was just going off 'what can my brain concoct' is Marina and their Ayato. And fuck me, fuuuuuuuck me. There's? So much? I could say? But it all just comes out as longer rants and well --- I've admired Marina for a loooooong time. I've admired them through interactions with Ren, Astrid, and so many others, and am always left breathless by their writing. Ayato is a character I know little about, as I stopped end of the Inazuma arc due to my own issues with the actual gameplay of the game causing me to lose interest. Or perhaps that's just depression lately? Who knows. I plan to get back into it...one day. At some friends wanting me to cause they said when I was actively playing it, I was mentally doing better, BUT THATS ANOTHER TOPIC ANOTHER TIME! One of my friends is a diehard Ayato simp, and when I get the pleasure to see a Marina reply on my dash via a mutual? I am always left understanding why. From what I have been told of Ayato, Marina does him true justice, and I adore reading any slight post I get to see.

WE OWN NO ONE ANYTHING. IS THAT WHERE WE SIT? a sentiment spoken — a fragment of vowels & woes oft clumped together by self-made / self-fooled hubris. has that hubris, has it finally raptured from that satin flesh, that ivory glam that coats such design — the wreckage of a structure, a body once filled & dripping of melodies — now, a winter of warmth. REFUSAL IS MET. she speaks, & such a hollow feeling, it finds its home inside you : how unappetizing, the way it seeps & sticks to your tongue, it's building? clogging the cords, they feel tight / they burn just a bit, do you dare to speak? that pressure in your neck? you feel it, that heat crawling up your throat, do you feel it? —ah, bite your tongue. of course.

a moment / a sudden face, disappointment? pouted lips hold, that is such an ugly face to make. & so, you take a softer posture, lax & curious. chin resting against hand, you lean in ( are you calling her near? ) there, there you find that pressure has settled — shallow your disappointment, let it root itself in the belly of hunger — it will come again. another day. ' well, owe is such a strong word, don't you think? ' teeth once caught up, now lost their hold, slip of tongue? ' see it more as a favor? then i will owe you? '

last of us sentence starters. | @colzhia

HE HAS NO REASON TO DOUBT HER. the prospect alone is incredulous. so then why is it that her words fail to inspire the confidence that they should ? to be commended by the supreme guardian herself is praise far beyond what he would have once thought possible; is something far greater than he feels himself worthy. even so, this subtle tightness in his chest nags at him like a splinter under the nail. something so small, and yet ...

he attempts to assuage the unease with the thought that for her to acknowledge his efforts must surely mean he is doing something correctly. after all, despite the high standards gepard sets for himself, it can't be said that he doesn't work hard. he only wishes that the hours spent pouring himself into said work were enough to prevent serval's words from creeping up on him at the most inopportune times.

" if one day, the supreme guardian orders you to abandon the people of belobog to complete some goal of hers… what would you do ? "

" ... thank you, madam guardian ⸻ truly. i don't deserve such kind words. " despite his reservations, he swallows his pride & stands tall, maintaining an outward air of professionalism. ' that day has not yet come ... has it ? it would never truly come to pass. after all, the supreme guardian does all that she does for belobog and her people. ' his trust in the supreme guardian and serval both are solid and built upon different, equally potent facets of his innermost being. as the threat of war lingers on belobog's horizon, so too does it in his head.

Rationality, without a doubt. Putting aside that I think that Dain struggles with his self-esteem to the point that he can't even be bothered to remember one single place in all of Teyvat that he likes (he has issues with his memories because of the erosion, yes, but if we're to think that vacations is a word that doesn't exist in this man's vocabulary and that he's traveling all the time in order to put a stop to the Abyss Order, it's very hard to think that he can't say one because he doesn't remember, but because he doesn't care— or more like he forces himself not to care), there are three factors that make him be particularly valuable for leaning more on his rationality rather than the emotional side he also has:

✦ Information factor.

It's undeniable that he has a connection to Irminsul, which at the same time possesses all the information of Teyvat from past to arguably the future if we consider that he knows to the T what happened in Mondstadt and Liyue, down to very hidden information about Zhongli that no one knows about except those who were directly involved and those who he wants them to know, irregardless of the extent he informs the Adepti. Furthermore, there are details in the countless miscellanies thus far that strengthen this point. If we're to put aside that he knows all the abilities of every individual under the sun, there is more sensible information he's very aware of such as Nahida being able to read minds or the subtle nod that he has divination abilities (this is also fortified in the Travail trailer, in which thus far we can conclude canonically that he knows about events bound to happen three years —as there have been three Lantern Rites for now— into the future for now and there are more nations to come and thus his divination may stretch more years too).

While those connected to Irminsul in some shape or form are special (Rhukkadevata, Nahida, Dainsleif but also Scaramouche to some extent), it's also known that humans try to commune with Irminsul in order to tap into any knowledge they want in Sumeru. This possibility isn’t without tremendous hardship that can drive one to madness and insanity. There are few in number who can attune with Irminsul in the first place, but even there are even fewer in number that managed to not lose their mind. All knowledge requires the proper preparations and abilities to become receptor of this without having one’s mind cave in. Some researchers spend their entire lives without ever successfully connecting with Irminsul and there is no guarantee that one’s consciousness will remain unscathed in every attempt at attuning with the All-Knowing. In order for this to happen, there are two stages of the process and those who manage to be in any at all are revered as nothing short of a genius.

On the other side there is the Abyss Order, who is in the know of far more than any regular human in Teyvat hopes to be (the Fatui are an exception to this rule) and whose knowledge stretches far back to being aware of the existence of dragons, era in which humans didn't exist yet in this world. Part of their craze and a strong point of why they're doing what they are is because they know too much, they don't like how the world currently is and desire to change it to their liking by throwing everything into the Abyss.

Irregardless of whether it is for having a connection to Irminsul or for knowing more than one should, Dainsleif's rationality prevents him from going crazy from everything he learned about (Nahida herself claims something along the lines that if one were to be subjected to certain truths directly, they could go mad) in a similar fashion as the Abyss Order or fall into a state of disbelief and to not know what to do. For having all the information at his disposal, his deeds are all in benefit for humanity in Teyvat without falling into egotisms (one could argue that him wanting to fight for humanity is a bit selfish, a potential reason being that he doesn't want more innocent people to suffer what Khaenri'ah did —and not all of them, as part of the population saw it on themselves for multiple reasons, but those who genuinely wanting nothing to do with the gods and wanted to be left alone—).

✧ Detachment from the Abyss Order's way of thinking despite being in the possession of relevant information.

This is somehow related to what I mentioned before. Those who form the Abyss Order made of the information they know an obsession, they warp said information to their convenience and they have potential intentions to shove the truth down everyone's throat (however manipulated that truth might be, all things considered about the workings of the Void and how negative feelings are magnified) as they don't like the fact that people are clueless to the reality behind Teyvat's history.

With Dain we see another manner of acting even knowing the unfairness of it all, how he's opposing openly the Abyss Order even though he shows a certain disdain to gods (Zhongli always gets the most of the beating, while he has nothing bad to say about Nahida— similarly, in the past he indirectly sided with 3 gods at once during the Cataclysm so despite his dislike for gods, he takes each of them individually for what they do actually) and could've gone against them as the Abyss Order and the Fatui / Harbinger / Tsaritsa seem to do. This is another trait that in my opinion, makes his rationality shine over his emotional side even if it could be more than justified.

✦ Curse of immortality and corruption factor.

Without getting into much details about the curse of immortality and what Dain suffers from it, and following the line of thought that despite being two different things, these are highly likely intertwined and from one same source, Dain has to keep in check his emotions by forcing himself to stay rational. As I mentioned before, the void / abyssal influence magnifies one's negative emotions which would make it easier to fall into madness or have an irrational mindset which at the current moment, Dain lacks. Likewise, he claimed that he can feel how the curse is slowly making its way into his mind as if it wants to replace him, which makes two risks concerning emotions that would put him in a worse place than he already is more than would benefit him. Additionally, it doesn't help that the Abyss Order is brilliant at manipulating and in their countless encounters with Dain, it's hard to not think that they had no kind words to say to him, specially if by easy logic they should be on the same side.

For these reasons, he has more motives to value his rationality that differs greatly from others' than his emotions. Although most likely he would've preferred the latter. He showed a strong emotional side during Requiem of the Echoing Depths at the thought that he was too late to save those poor Hilichurls but also the Black Serpent Knights and Halfdan, and a highly telling quote in a miscellany says that he doesn't relish the solitary life he leads, which makes one think that he isn't doing what he's doing necessarily because he enjoys it, or that he wouldn't like to take a break or have a companion —doesn't matter if platonic or romantic— by his side. But perhaps his wish to not see another civilization fall tragically and his selflessness (or selfishness, it depends on the perspective) to put others before him.

Gepard's relationship with his family - at least how I see it - has become more of a business, transactional type as he's grown older and bought more into the family business of defending Belobog and being a symbol of the Landau name. So while he still talks to them on a regular basis, it's more like he's delivering a report to a commander when he speaks to either of his parents and rarely anything too personal is spoken of. He takes on the role of playing the dutiful son who respects his parents and visits them as a regular part of his schedule, holding them in high esteem.

His view of his mother then, is more of a strong matriarch, and respects her immensely, but there's not a fierce sentiment attached to it. He cares for her, as he cares for all citizens of Belobog, and of course as his mother and a Landau, but they're not especially close. As a boy he was closer to her, seeking her arms after a hard day following Father's instruction, but ultimately most of the nurturing he experienced growing up, was from Serval and as the years passed he was expected to stand on his own two feet.

So ultimately, Gepard loves his mother and respects her but does not feel particularly close to her. He will not say a bad word against her and speaks of her with a sense of family pride and perhaps fondness, but he also won't actively speak of her unless the conversation comes up. There is a distance in their bond, one that he doubts will ever close. Closeness isn't much of a pre-requisite of the Landau family.

He draws inspiration and motivation from a few places. Naturally a lot of his motivation comes from not wanting to be a shame to the Landau family name, to hold up the legacy that those before him have held and from the weight of expectations that his parents have placed upon him. He also draws on the stories of his family in the past, in particular, the tale of Rhonda Landau who is the ancestor he resonates the most with, and her achievements. The family is not the particularly the healthiest of motivations as it is the one that makes him push forward beyond his comfort boundaries and work himself to the bone.

Outside of the family he draws inspiration from his pledge to Qlipoth, the oath he has sworn to protect, and from the people. Seeing them going about their lives without true knowledge of the monsters at the borders, to see them happy and at peace in the last bastion Jarlio-VI has. To him, the sacrifice of self is worth it, if the people are happy and so it drives him forth. And from those like him who have dedicated themselves to the task of protecting Belobog (Bronya particularly as their paths run in parallel).

And when it comes to matters like being a good older sibling, or doing something daring that breaks the status quo, his biggest inspiration always is and always will be Serval.

AN EXPECTED LETTER, for @colzhia .

For Gepard, it would be a toss up between Serval and Bronya.

Serval because she is able to do the one thing he never could nor would, to stand up and question the Landau family obligations. To say no and find her own path. He doesn't agree with it entirely, but he can respect the strength in it, especially as he knows the pressure their family place upon them first hand.

Bronya because she bears the weight of knowing she is to become the Supreme Guardian, and pushes herself to be better. The hours spent training and studying and learning are something he can appreciate and understand. He sees the fierce strength in her and the capabilites she has. He holds a lot of respect for Bronya from watching her carve her path.