“I still hate this,” I said as I walked down the stairs toward the cage in the center of the gym. “Why do I keep doing this?”
Roman tugged me a little closer to his side and kissed the top of my head. “Because you love him,” he replied. He leaned down and whispered in my ear. “And you secretly like the blood.”
“Don’t you dare,” I hissed, punching him in the ribs lightly. “You know I freak out every time he gets out of that cage.”
“When was the last time he lost?” Seth asked from just behind us. It had been a week or so since we’d kissed and were still figuring out how we would manage our relationship. In public and in private. It seemed that we were going to take our time to find our groove and our place in this.
Roman chuckled and looked over his shoulder. “He hasn’t lost since baby girl here started coming.”
Heat rushed into my face. I reached up to tuck my hair behind my ear as my heart skipped a beat. “There was that one against… what’s his face…”
“He didn’t lose that one, Addy,” he teased. “Almost, but he beat the count. Knocked Jones’ teeth down his throat afterward. Literally.”
Seth led the way down the line of chairs toward our usual seats. We’d been to so many fights that they were practically reserved. “You’re his good luck charm.”
“I wish I wasn’t,” I murmured. “I hate seeing him bloodied and bruised.”
Before any of us could say another word, music blared through the room. My chest constricted as my heart pounded against my ribs. I knew that Dean’s fight would be later in the evening, but I still couldn’t get my anxiety under control. I bounced my leg and rubbed my palms back and forth on my jeans. My palms were sweaty. For a moment, I thought I was going to be sick.
“Why didn’t you let me bring my bag?” I grumbled at Seth after the third fight. I’d wanted to bring my backpack to get some reading done before Dean was up. Anything to distract myself from the worry that something would happen.
Seth reached out and curled his fingers around mine. He squeezed my hand and brought it up to his lips. His lips were soft against my knuckles. “Because you’re going to be fine.”
Looking up into his chocolate eyes, I thought for a moment that he was right. For that brief second, my heart settled into a normal rhythm and my agitated movements slowed.
Then they called Dean’s fight.
I gulped hard against the bile threatening to climb up my throat. This was the moment that I dreaded the most. Watching him come into that cage with his fists taped up, his face clear of scrapes, scratches, bruises, and blood. Knowing exactly what was going to happen in the next few minutes was enough to send adrenaline rushing through my veins. I wanted to run, to get as far away as possible. I wanted to slap him with the hope of knocking some sense into him because talking just didn’t seem to work.
Dean appeared from the locker room in his jeans and boots. I couldn’t understand how he could fight in them, or why they allowed him to, but he insisted. At the door to the cage, he toed off his boots and pushed them aside. Barefoot, he walked forward as he rocked his shoulders back and forth. The muscles in his arms and shoulders flexed beneath his skin. He looked toward us, cornflower eyes landing on me. A faint smile curled the corners of his mouth.
Then his gaze drifted, and his smile faded. His lips twisted into a snarl as he slammed the cage door behind him.
“Something’s pissed him off,” Seth said, leaning toward me. “Was he like that earlier?”
I looked toward Dean and then back at Seth. “No. He was… grumpy. Not this.”
“Fuck.” Roman’s voice drew my attention. I turned to him, a question on my lips as I followed the line of his gaze.
Dean stood on the far side of the cage, brows drawn together and jaw set. My stomach turned upside down at the rage in his eyes.
The bell rang and he launched himself at his opponent, right arm already cocked back. The moment he was within reach, Dean threw his body into the punch. It landed square on the other guy’s jaw, knocking his head sideways. He stumbled backward, and Dean followed, pressing him back toward the wall of the cage. Dean beat into his opponent, throwing a series of elbows against the side of his head and jabs into his kidneys.
He backed up, putting space between them. He pivoted on his back foot and let go a kick against the other guy’s ribs. His opponent blocked the kick and swept his other leg out from under him. Dean landed hard on his back, his head bouncing against the mat. I screamed and nearly jumped out of my seat. The sound must have gotten Dean’s attention as he turned his head toward me. His blue eyes were unfocused for a moment before the rage returned to his face and he rolled back onto his shoulders. In the blink of an eye, he had pushed off with his shoulders and hands to kip up to his feet again.
Dean took a deep breath, cracked his neck on each side, and then curled his fingers in a bring it on gesture. I felt sick watching his opponent run at him, throwing elbows against Dean’s jaw. He followed up with a series of body shots that looked like they knocked the wind out of him. A deep red mark started to bloom over Dean’s left kidney and another along his ribs.
My stomach clenched. I gagged. I wanted to run.
Blood oozed from a split in Dean’s lip from one of the elbow shots. He wiped his mouth with his hand, crimson streaking against the white tape. I saw him glance down at it, almost as if he were fascinated at the sight. The distraction was enough for his opponent to throw a cross that rocked Dean’s head up and to the side.
“Dean!” I screamed and lunged toward the cage. My fingers laced through the steel wiring. I couldn’t stop myself, even though I knew that he didn’t need any other distractions. A pair of arms wrapped around my waist and dragged me backward, practically ripping my fingers from their hold on the cage. I kicked and fought. “Let me go!”
The arms tightened and tried to turn me around. “Addy. Addy, calm down.” Seth’s voice whispered firmly in my ear. “Relax.”
“He’s hurt. Dean’s hurt,” I whimpered, clawing at Seth’s hoodie covered forearms. “Let me go. He’s hurt!”
“If you don’t calm down, we’re taking you out of here,” he threatened softly. “You’re going to get him knocked out running at the cage like that. Relax, sweets.”
Adrenaline rushed through every cell in my body. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to run. I wanted to break into the cage to get him out. Even though the rational part of my brain knew that Seth was right, I couldn’t get past the sight of Dean so bloodied and beat up. It hadn’t ever been like this before.
The sound of the bell reverberated through my bones. It sucked the air out of my lungs and the fight from my limbs. I sank back against Seth, grey edging the sides of my vision. I gasped for breath as tears rushed down my cheeks. There was no looking away from Dean as he stood on the other side of the cage. Red marks were already darkening into deep purple bruises. There was a gash on his jaw and another on his cheekbone, both oozing blood as his chest rose and fell as he panted.
Our eyes met. For a moment, I thought I saw Dean’s blue eyes soften behind the obvious pain that clearly ran through his body. He looked back at me. Yearning lanced along my nerves. I just wanted to be where he was. He blinked and glanced away. My heart fell into my stomach as he squared up for the next round. Rage colored his features as the bell rang once again, launching him toward his opponent.
I turned in Seth’s arms and hid my face against his shoulder. “I can’t watch anymore.”
“Come on,” he said soothingly. “We’ll go out to the truck for a minute. Get some fresh air. It might help, sweets.”
It was so hard to turn my back on the cage with Dean still inside. Since that very first time, I hadn’t missed one of Dean’s fights. I’d done everything it took to get there, to see him before he walked up those steps and after he ripped off the tape in the locker room. But now I couldn’t bear to watch. I couldn’t bear to listen, even though the sound of fists on flesh echoed against the rafters. My mind’s eye conjured up the worst possible images as Seth led me toward the exits.
The moment we got outside, I doubled over retching and gagging. Seth rubbed the middle of my back even as he held my hair back with the other. The world spun around me. I couldn’t explain why I felt this way. Why, after all the fights I’d been to and how I’d actually started to enjoy them, I couldn’t bear to watch this time.
“Deep breaths, Addy,” Seth murmured. “You’re good. Deep breaths.”
I reached up and wrapped my fingers around his wrist. “I can’t—”
He shushed me gently. “It’s okay. It’s okay. Deep breaths, sweets.”
Muffled noise erupted from the gym. I could just make out the sound of cheering and the loud dinging of the bell that indicated a fight was over. I practically collapsed onto the sidewalk when I realized what it meant.
“Stay here, just a second. I’m gonna go see what happened.” Seth squeezed my fingers before he went back inside. A few minutes later, he reemerged with Roman in tow. “He won.”
Momentary relief flooded my veins. But Seth’s next words opened the floodgates of worry once again. “He looks like he got run over by a Mack truck. But he won.”
Roman sank into a crouch next to me. “He’s okay, Addy. Dean’s good.”
“Comparatively,” Seth interjected. “Phil’s gonna need six weeks in the hospital and some massive rehab. Dean just broke at least twelve bones in that guy’s body.”
“Seth?”
“Yeah?”
“Shut up. You’re not helping.” Roman gripped me by the elbows and pulled me gently to my feet. Everything went grey and hazy as the blood rushed from my head to my feet. If it weren’t for Roman, I would have fallen right back down onto the concrete. “Dean’s fine. He’s a big boy and can take care of himself.”
“I… I-I need to see him,” I whimpered. Before either of them could say a word, I ran toward the doors. My feet carried me away from the gym and down the hallway to the locker rooms. I pounded on the door with the flat of my hand, screaming his name at the top of my lungs.
After a few moments, the door yanked inward. “What?!”
My eyes lifted, taking in each inch of Dean and cataloguing his injuries. There was a rip in the front of his jeans that revealed a raised red welt along his thigh. His torso was crisscrossed with bruises that were already turning purple. The one over his right kidney ran from the base of his ribs all the way down to his hipbone. Another spread down his breastbone, and I swore that it was the size and shape of someone’s foot. His knuckles were busted and bloody. He had a split chin, busted lip, a gash on his jaw and cheekbone, what looked like a black eye, and another cut through his left eyebrow.
Tears filled my eyes, spilling down over my cheeks and dripping onto my shirt. His face blurred, but not before I saw the angry disconnection in his gaze. I reached my fingertips toward his chest. He took a step back.
“Are you okay?” I brushed at the tears and tried to take a deep breath. My clearing vision brought his injuries back into sharp focus.
Dean crossed his arms over his chest, showing off a few other welts on his forearms and biceps. “I’m fine. You can go now. I’m sure they’re waiting.”
I felt myself recoil just as if he’d shoved me. “What…?”
He leaned his shoulder against the door, wincing as it put pressure on the bruise along his side. “Go back to the apartment or the dorm. I’m good. It’s about time you and Seth had a little alone time, isn’t it? That’s your timeline, right? Don’t let me get in the way.”
Before I could say a word, Dean backed away and slammed the door in my face.
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I sat in the armchair while Seth sat on the couch a few feet away. Several quiet minutes had passed since I’d kissed him, and he was still staring at the faded rings on the coffee table. I tucked my feet beneath me and let him think or do whatever it was he needed. Whatever happened, we had to talk this out. Otherwise it was going to ruin the friendship between Roman, Dean, and Seth. And I wasn’t about to let that happen.
While I waited, I thought about the first time I met Seth—and I wasn’t counting running into him in the hallway that night—in the line at the school coffee shop. The first thing I’d noticed was his smile with that little gap between his front teeth. His dark, melted chocolate eyes. As we got to know each other, I’d grown fond of his sarcasm and his absolutely insane laugh and his coffee addiction that rivaled my own.
Seth finally looked over at me, eyes confused and concerned. “Is this supposed to feel normal?”
I shrugged. “It’s gotten to where it feels normal for me. I don’t know how Roman and Dean would answer, but they haven’t broken up with me or stopped talking to each other.” I let out a sigh and propped my elbow against the arm of the chair. “People look at us funny sometimes, but it works for us.”
“How does it… work?” He gestured into the air at nothing, and I wasn’t sure what he meant. I quirked a brow. “Dating both of them at the same time.”
A smile curled my lips. “It’s like having three relationships in one. There’s me and Roman, then me and Dean, and then the three of us together.”
It was odd to see Seth Rollins quiet. He might have been a little shy, but usually his entire demeanor was rambunctious and gregarious. It was wide eyed and funny and fueled by triple shot espresso. But now, he sat there on the arm of the sofa looking at me.
More like looking through me actually. His eyes were fixed on my stomach, but I could see that they were unfocused. Far away.
“Seth?” I asked quietly. I wanted to reach for him, but I was afraid to. He blinked a few times. As if he were waking from some deep and thick dream. His head tipped back. I felt the heavy touch of his gaze over my face. It was heady and terrifying.
“Addison…” His voice sounded thick and low when he said my name. I couldn't remember the last time he'd called me by my full name. Of course, we'd only known each other for seven months or so. Not long in the grand scheme of things.
Seth took a breath. I watched his shoulders square. My heart took off behind my ribs. I was certain he was about to quietly and gently break my heart to pieces. I braced, ready for the blow.
“How is this supposed to work?” he asked after another moment if quiet. “I mean, the three of you already have this… thing together. I'll be the odd man out.”
My heart thumped hard before settling into something resembling a normal rhythm. I'd been so terrified that he wouldn't want this. That he wouldn't want to at least try. But here he was, cocky Seth Rollins, unsure of himself and his place in this strange tangle that Dean, Roman, and I had.
“It's honestly not very different than what we are now, Seth. At least, what it was before you decided to be a massive jerk and try to leave,” I replied with a small smile. I stepped closer and settled my hand against his wrist. The one with the tattoo of a burning page and the word forever. Not for the first time, I wondered what had made him get it.
He looked away, a self-conscious tilt to his mouth. “It was weird… how I felt about you. You were so happy with Ro and Dean and I didn't want to mess that up.”
“Do you know what happened when I found out you were transferring? How I found out?” Seth shook his head meekly. I hated how he looked so unsure of himself. “I heard you in the bookstore. I was behind you in line.”
His shoulders sank. “Addy… I should have told you. I should have had the guts to tell you—to tell all of you—that I was thinking about leaving. To be out of the way of all this…”
I tugged his arm gently and guided him to press his hand against my hip. My other hand settled on his cheek. “Dean found me on the way to my dorm–I'd been avoiding coming here for days after I heard you. I couldn't bear the thought of hurting you by being here. Of coming between this brotherhood the three of you have. I fell apart sobbing on the quad when I told him.”
“That's how they found out.” His fingers squeezed the flesh of my hip as he carefully drew me closer. After a moment, he leaned forward and rested his forehead against my collarbone. “I'm so sorry, Addy. I wish I'd done all of this differently.”
I settled my hand on the back of his head. His hair was soft and frizzy, and I couldn’t help but stroke my fingers against it. “You’re absolutely stupid, Seth. You know that, don’t you?”
He wrapped his arms around my waist, locking his hands together at the base of my spine. “It would be hard not to at this point,” Seth laughed dryly. He sighed.
“You’re just like Dean. He was stupid about it, too,” I replied, scratching my nails against his scalp. Some of the tension seemed to slip out of him. “Dragged me to that stupid cage fight and pulled that stunt in the locker room. When all he and Roman had to do was sit down and talk to me. Like… I don’t know… adults.”
Seth snorted. “There’s nothing about the three of us that screams ‘adult,’ sweets.”
My heart skipped behind my ribs. He’d called me that a few times, starting right after that day when I ate all of Roman’s carb load snacks from the fridge. Somehow it felt like it had a brand new meaning now.
“You’ve got that right,” I teased. “Roman’s the only one who had the balls to actually ask me out like a normal guy. The other two of you… you’re idiots. But you’re my idiots. And I care about you, Seth. As a friend…”
He stiffened. “You kiss all your friends like that, Addison?”
I smacked him hard in the shoulder. “Don’t interrupt,” I snapped. “Jesus, the three of you are ridiculous.”
“That doesn’t answer the question,” he said with a frown.
Frustration bubbled up inside me. I was overcome with the urge to pop him across the face. I closed my eyes and forced myself to take a few breaths. The last thing I wanted just then was to mess up whatever fragile little thing that was happening between the two of us. “You’ve been my friend for months now, Seth Rollins. And no matter what happens between us, that’s important to me. But I care about you like this, too.”
I took a few deep breaths and let my hands settle on the sides of Seth’s face. My fingers tilted his head up so that I could look into those chocolate eyes. I slid my thumbs over his cheekbones before leaning over to press my lips against his. Electricity crackled up my spine as his arms wrapped tighter around me. My whole body felt hot and light in a way that was completely different from how it felt when Roman or Dean kissed me.
Seth stood, and pulled me hard against his chest. His hands were rough as they slipped down my back to curl around the back of my thighs. I let out a gasp against his lips as he lifted me from the ground without warning. My legs wrapped around his waist and I dug my fingers into his hair, tugging at the knot of his dark brown locks.
A thousand thoughts burst through my mind. I’d never expected that trying to talk to Seth would end up like this. But my heart beating hard behind my ribs and the breath caught in my throat was enough to make me lose track of everything else. There was just quiet and the warm touch of his lips.
He moved with a blind practice back to the sofa, where he sank down against the cushions. He let out a faint sigh as he leaned back. My body tingled from the way his thumbs kneaded into the flesh of my thighs.
“Is this okay?” he asked quietly.
I smiled and pressed my palms against his cheeks. His beard was soft beneath my fingers. I watched his eyes as they brushed over my face. His mouth curled up in a smile that showed off the little gap between his front teeth.
“What do you mean?” I replied.
Seth pressed a kiss beneath the curve of my jaw. He breathed against my neck, nuzzling the tip of his nose against the skin. I slipped my fingers through his long brown hair. It was soft. With every move, the scent of shampoo wafted up around me. It had a sharp, deep scent that was heady in a way. I sighed and thought of dark chocolate and coffee.
“I never meant for this to happen, Addy,” he said quietly. “All I wanted was to be your friend. I promise.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Seth, you don’t have to explain anything. There’s honestly nothing normal about this. It doesn’t matter how or why or when. I’ve stopped trying to make sense of it.”
“Just because I feel this way…” His palms stroked the outside of my thighs, thumbs massaging circles into my hips on each pass. “It doesn’t mean you have to go along with it if you don’t feel the same.”
His eyes went wide when I laughed again. I cradled his face in my hands and gave his head a little shake. “Stop being so stupid,” I said with a grin. “If I didn’t feel the same way, I don’t think I would have kissed you. Now would I?”
Roman was quiet as we rode up the mountain toward the overlook. I was squished in between him and Dean. Spring break had started two days ago, and I wasn’t exactly surprised that Roman and Dean had decided to stay in town.
Dean reached over and took my hand, threading our fingers together and settling my hand in his lap. He looked at me with a faint smile before leaning down to kiss my temple. “Love you, princess.”
I smiled back, soothed by their presence. I let my head rest on Roman’s shoulder. “Love you, too, Dean.”
Gravel popped as Roman circled in the lot and backed into a spot. He put the truck in park and reached back into the second seat to grab a pile of blankets. “Come on you two,” he said indulgently.
Spring was slowly starting to make its way into the mountains. The snow was melting away. The mornings were crisp and cold and faded into an afternoon that was warm and bright. Some of the trees were starting to bloom. We sat side-by-side on the tailgate, wrapped in blankets in the quiet.
“So, we talked to that motherfucker,” Dean declared suddenly. On my other side, Roman let out a faint snort of a laugh.
“Talk might be putting it nicely,” Roman added, bumping against me gently. “But yeah, we had a little… chat… with him.”
I stayed quiet, not sure exactly what to say. I couldn’t get it out of my head at how Seth was leaving because of me. There was no forgetting the fact that I’d broken up a friendship that was so tight that it was almost like they were brothers. Roman and Dean wouldn’t hear of it, and they’d argued with me vehemently for the last week that it wasn’t my fault. That Seth was being an ass, and that was a condition he’d suffered from far longer than he’d known me.
Dean tucked his arm around me and pulled me in against him. “He’s not leaving.”
My heart thumped hard. “Okay.”
“And he’s sorry about his attitude, too,” Roman added. “He’s in a bitchy mood lately. He’s been taking it out on us just as much as you.”
The way he said it made me smile softly. Dean squeezed me tightly. “Remember when I was avoiding you at the end of last year?”
I spoke before I could think about the words. “Yeah. And then Roman dragged me to your fight and you kissed me.”
“Uh huh,” Roman said softly. I could feel his eyes on me. Both of them. It felt like they were waiting for something.
“But what does that have to…” The whole thing clicked in a split second. “Oh…”
Roman grinned as he leaned over and bumped me in the side of the head gently. “He’s too much of a coward to say it to your face.”
“I mean, in his own asshole way he was trying to be a good guy,” Dean added. “He’s an ass, and he thought leaving might be the best way to do it.”
“Tell us the truth,” Roman continued, leaning over toward me. “How do you feel about Seth? Honestly?
My heart ached. For a moment, I thought back to when Roman asked me the exact same question in that locker room last semester. How just the thought of wanting someone else when I had such a wonderful guy like Roman was enough to make me hate myself. Now I had Dean, too. I wondered anew if there was something wrong with me. Why couldn’t I be satisfied with Roman? Why was I so selfish?
“Hey, princess,” Dean said, taking my chin between his finger and thumb so that I had to look at him. “I know that look. Stop it right there.”
“Guys, I—”
Dean shook his head. “There’s nothing wrong with you. How many times do I have to tell you that? Do we have to?”
Roman slipped his arm around my back and pressed a series of soft kisses against my temple. “You are who you are, baby girl, and we love you. It doesn’t bother me that you love Dean, too. Or that you might feel something for Seth. You’ve never been anything but honest with me. Be honest with yourself.”
I closed my eyes and sighed. “I feel like… you should be enough. Ro, you should have been enough. Dean would have been enough. The two of you together should be more than enough. But I feel like… like there’s something off inside me. Something horribly selfish.”
“Addy, some people love differently than others,” Roman soothed. His fingers swept up and down my back in calming strokes. “You love so much it isn’t enough for just one person. And being with you like this has made me better friends with Dean. We’re closer because of loving you.”
I reached out and took their hands in mine, pulling them onto my lap. Quiet settled as we looked out over the valley below. I tried to make sense of how I felt about all of this. I loved Roman and Dean more than I could have imagined I’d love a single person. Not to mention two. I was eighteen, in a new place hours away from home, surrounded by new friends and honestly in love with two guys. And they didn’t seem to mind. If I were to believe Roman, even though they had to share my attention, they were better friends now than before. Could it really be that simple?
“I don’t know if I love Seth, not like I love the two of you. But I feel something for him,” I said after a while. “What if what I feel for him isn’t the same? If it isn’t what he wants from me? I don’t want to be the reason that the three of you stop being friends if it doesn’t work out.”
“We’ll figure that out when we get there, princess,” Dean assured me. “And we’ll talk about it rather than one of us not talking to the others, yeah?”
I couldn’t help but grin and duck my head. “Yeah.”
***
“Go on,” Roman said as we sat in the parking spot in front of their apartment. He squeezed my fingers and pulled them up to his lips. “He’s home, and we won’t be far away if you need us.”
Dean nodded encouragingly, cradling the back of my head with his palm as he pressed a kiss to my forehead. “We’ll be at the Red Barn, okay?”
I took a breath and climbed over Dean to get out of the truck. “I love you both. You know that, right?”
“We know, princess.”
Roman brushed his fingers down my spine as I crawled over Dean, who gave me a firm, playful smack on the ass. I grinned back at him at the distraction. The moment my feet hit the gravel, I squared my shoulders and walked up the steps toward the door. By the time I knocked on the door, Roman’s truck was already easing around the corner out of sight.
Seth stood in front of the open door in a black band t-shirt and grey sweatpants with his hair in a knot hidden beneath a grey beanie. “Oh,” he said once he realized it was me, “hey, Addy. Ro and Dean are out. I actually thought they were with you.”
I tried not to look away. My heart felt heavy. “I’m actually not here for them. I was hoping you and I could talk.”
He looked uncomfortable as he stood out of the way to let me inside. The television was on and was paused on a screen for a videogame. I remembered just before New Year’s and sitting on the sofa watching him play as I teased him about Becky Lynch. Now he looked like he didn’t even want to talk to me.
“Look, Addison…”
I closed my eyes, suddenly afraid that I was going to cry at the sound of my full first name. “Addy,” I said slowly, my heart skipping a beat. “My name is Addy, and you know that.”
Seth sank down on the arm of the couch and practically put his head between his knees. “Did they send you here to let me down easy or ask me to stay?”
“I was under the impression that you were staying anyway,” I replied as I sat down on the chair. “Why didn’t you say anything, Seth?”
He ran a hand over his face and scratched at his beard. “What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey Addy, can I join your stable of boyfriends?’”
Part of me wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t. “You could have just told me the truth. What was the worst thing that could happen, Seth? I tell you that I didn’t feel the same? We stopped being friends? I stopped coming over? Honestly, why didn’t you say something?”
“Because Dean and Ro are my best friends!” he shouted at me, pain twisting his expression. “How do you think I felt knowing that I wanted you the way you want them? That I was in love with you?”
I tried my best not to flinch as he shouted. He wouldn’t look at me, and I let him get it out. I remembered how it felt being so confused and scared. I knew how it messed with your head, and Seth needed to get his thoughts together.
“I had to look at the two of them every day and know how they felt about you and then know that I felt how I did. The whole time, I had to think about how I had to be around you all the time and I couldn’t ever really have you.”
My heart skipped one beat and then another. “And you thought running away was going to fix it?”
He stood up, hovering over me. “Leaving my two best friends was easier than having to stay here and see you!”
I thought of Dean and Roman and their confidence in me. Of how much they loved me. Trusted me. “Do I get a say in this at all?”
Seth opened his mouth, but immediately snapped it shut. He leaned back on his heels, watching me as if he couldn’t quite believe what I’d said. “What?”
“If this involves me, Seth Rollins, I think I deserve a choice.”
He sank back onto the arm of the couch, the fight gone out of him. “I didn’t think you’d want one.”
Without a word, I closed the space between us and tipped his head up with my fingers under his chin. I leaned down and pressed my lips against his. Seth rested his hands on the curve of my hips, almost unsure of what he was supposed to do. “I want a choice,” I whispered after leaning back. “The question is do you want to be part of this.”
March swept in quietly, sneaking in beneath the drifts of snow that continued to blanket the campus. Astronomy labs up in the observatory were cancelled as the roads—even with a jacked up four-wheel drive like Roman’s—were too dangerous. Grand Mountain ran shuttles outfitted with snow chains and a detachable plow every five minutes. They were packed to the brim every time as there was so much ice that several people had slipped and fallen on their way to classes.
I pulled a Henley on over a tank top, then Roman’s Pirates hoodie, and one of Dean’s old jackets. Wool gloves, a scarf, and a pair of waterproof boots were the last things I needed before I grabbed up my backpack and trudged down the hallway of the dorm. My right hand was still in a brace after I’d fractured it punching Seth in the chest. It made it harder than expected to not only wear my gloves but to carry my bag, my coffee, or just about anything else.
The weather and the fact that both football and cheer competition seasons were over made me more than a little depressed. I was surprised to find that I’d grown to like the early morning workouts at the Cove, practices three times a week, and travelling with the team. Being without them sent me headlong into a strange sort of depression. I missed the people who’d become my friends.
Now, it felt like I was stuck alone within the four walls of my dorm room. I felt scared and alone. And so sad.
“Come on, short stuff,” Drew said from out of nowhere. He stood by the front doors in a purple fleece that would barely protect me from an air conditioner. “We’re not waiting for the shuttle. I’ll give you a lit up the steps again.”
I shrugged. I saw the worry slip into place in Drew’s blue eyes, but I couldn’t make myself care.
***
“You’re freezing,” Drew said when he sat me on my feet at the top of the stairs that lead to the upper campus. “You need some coffee. My treat.”
“No,” I murmured, feeling like I was going to be sick. “I’m fine. I just need to get to class.”
Drew snorted, his breath sending out whisps of steam in the cold air. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and tucked me in against his side as we kept walking. “You and Seth haven’t patched things up yet?”
“I don’t know what there is to patch up. He won’t even talk to me.” I sounded more forlorn than I wanted. If I were being honest with myself, I missed Seth. I missed him more than I thought I had a right to, even though Roman and Dean knew about everything. They knew about how I felt, Dean had figured Seth out quicker than I had.
My feet stopped without me actually telling them to. There was this feeling like being punched in the stomach. Like I was looking down off the edge of an impossibly high building that just kept getting higher and higher. Blood rushed in my ears. And God… I couldn’t breathe.
I gasped for air. I clawed at the neck of Roman’s hoodie, trying to break the relentless choking sensation caught up in my throat. Without thinking, I thumped myself hard in the chest with my injured hand. I might not have had the ability to breathe, but I had enough air to let out a wail of pain.
Whether it was for the white hot agony in my hand or the dull, desperate ache in my chest, I couldn’t quite say.
“Addy, lass…” Drew said as his bag slammed into the ground, kicking up ice and snow. “This has to stop. Look at you.”
He reached for my hand gently. With careful motion, he drew me into his arms, tucking me against his chest and resting his chin against the top of my head. I gasped one lungful of air after another, each one tinged with the crisp smell of his body wash and the softer undertones of fabric softener. As soothing as it was, I wanted the dark, sweet scent of Roman’s sheets or the unnervingly fruity scent of Dean’s shampoo.
I hated that I wanted to just go and crawl into Roman’s bed. Or Dean’s. All I wanted was to just hide from the world. From everything that reminded me of the fact that even though I had two wonderful guys who meant the world to me—more than I deserved in the first place—I couldn’t stop myself from being greedy and wanting more.
With every hour that passed, the more I wondered how they kept choosing to love me. Why they made me part of their world, even though everyone looked at us funny when the three of us were out in public together. If something happened to their friendship because of me, I would never forgive myself.
“What can I do?” Drew asked, drawing my attention from my self-loathing.
I struggled to catch a full, deep breath. My chest still ached as if someone had stabbed an ice pick between my ribs. Vomit clawed up my throat. I shoved at his shoulders, struggling to get away.
He barely got out of the way before I puked.
Drew gathered my hair up in one hand while the other rubbed slow circles on my back. “Let’s stop by the student center. Grab you something to drink and get you cleaned up.”
My whole body vibrated with an anxiety that I couldn’t quite name. I leaned up against Drew’s side and tried to catch my breath. The cold air burned as it filled my lungs and threatened to freeze the tears on my cheeks. I ached like I’d been run over by a tank, so much so that I wanted to just collapse onto the snowy sidewalk and stay there.
“Come on, lass,” Drew said as he swung my bag up over his shoulder. Then he tucked his arm around my shoulders as he steered me toward the student center. “Let’s go.”
I barely had enough focus is to follow Drew into the student center. The heat rolled over me as we stepped through the doors. Noise echoed from the high ceilings. On the second floor, I could see people milling around behind the glass walls of the café. Everything was so normal. So… calm. I couldn’t wrap my head around how so many people could have so much peace when I just wanted to crash and hide.
Drew steered the way, and I was stepping through the doors of the bookstore before I knew where I was. The line for the coffee shop was shorter than I would have expected on such a cold day. We fell into the line, my heart still pounding in my chest so hard that I was certain it was going to crack my ribs wide open.
“So is it true?” said someone a few people ahead of us in line. “Woods said you were thinking about leaving.”
“Yeah… I’ve tossed around the idea of going back to Iowa.” The voice that responded was familiar. I’d heard it more times than I could count. “I’m just not feeling it here anymore.”
“Uh huh,” came the response. “Getting a little crowded in your place, hmm?”
I swallowed back the scream that threatened to tear through me. It took more strength than I thought I had to just turn around and walk back out of the student center. Drew still had my bag—and my wallet and my keys—but I couldn’t stay feet away from Seth with those words echoing in my ears.
My shoulders slumped as I tried to push away the sadness that engulfed me. I’d worried since the day that Dean kissed me in the locker room at his fight that whatever this was would come between Dean and Roman. They were best friends. Even more, they were brothers. I’d worried about pulling those two apart.
I’d never worried about Seth getting wedged out of their friendship because of me.
The super amazing Valentine’s Day plan turned out to be tacos drowning in queso from the local Mexican place and a marathon of John Hughes movies on Netflix. Dean blushed brightly as he confessed that it had been his job to get reservations for dinner and he’d forgotten because of a fight and his advanced engine mechanics exam. I just smiled and kissed his cheek as I passed by to grab my third taco. Roman chuckled from his place on the sofa, his feet propped up on the table next to a bouquet of pink, white, and red roses. They were sticking out of an empty spaghetti jar, but they were beautiful.
“I’m sorry,” Dean said again as he plopped into place next to me. “I promise we had something really nice planned, princess.”
“Stop apologizing,” I replied, bumping my shoulder with his. “This is amazing. I’ve never been one of those kinds of girls anyway. Plus, Ortiz makes the best tacos for a hundred miles.”
Roman draped his arm around my shoulders and grinned. “While you might not be the kind of girl that likes that stuff, you deserve it. You know… getting showered with all kinds of amazing things. I mean… you do have two boyfriends.”
My heart skipped a beat and a sensation of warmth and happiness bled through my body. It was more than just being caught up between the two of them on the sofa, their bulk radiating heat and the sweet scent of their cologne. Being with them made me feel at home in a way that I never had before. They made me feel like myself… the best version of myself.
“I have two of the best boyfriends,” I said, tucking my feet up beneath me. “Who buy me tacos and watch sappy 80’s movies with me. There’s only one thing that would make this the most amazing Valentine’s Day ever.”
Dean chuckled low in his throat. “And what’s that?”
Before I could say anything, the apartment door burst open and Seth slipped inside. Rain settled on his shoulders and the beanie covering his dark hair. He cradled a white cardboard box in his hand. “Sorry, I know,” he said sadly. “I’ll stay in my room and not bother you guys. I picked up a cake from Maddie’s downtown. Red velvet with chocolate icing.”
Seth slipped out of his jacket and tossed it over the back of one of the mismatched chairs by the kitchen table. He sat the cake on the counter and passed by with a worn, unhappy sort of smile. His eyes were dark and forlorn. The sound of his door felt like a heavy blow.
The Breakfast Club played in the background, Judd Nelson going on about his horrible home life. Somehow, the mood in the room changed. Dean turned sideways, his fingertips tracing gently along the side of my face. He tucked stray hair behind my ear.
“I see that look,” he whispered.
“What look?” I queried, trying to look normal as I stuffed half a taco into my mouth.
Roman’s hand curled around mine. His thumb rubbed slow circles along the back of my hand. “That endearing worried look. I’ve seen you look at Drew and Sonya that way. It bothers you that Seth is upset.”
My heart fell into my stomach. I had a horrible sinking feeling in my guts. It was sour and bitter all at once. For some reason, the sensation felt familiar.
“Maybe it does,” I replied at last. “I’ll check on him in the morning.”
Dean pressed a kiss against my temple. Roman settled his chin on my shoulder. “Go ahead,” he whispered against my ear. “I know what he means to you, baby girl.”
I closed my eyes, scrunching them shut as that sick, sinking feeling settled in my stomach. I pressed my lips together. Fought back vomit as it clawed up my throat. “No,” I murmured, suddenly desperately exhausted.
Dean trailed his fingertips along my jaw to the point of my chin. “Go on, princess. It’s okay.”
I couldn’t make sense of how the two of them could read me so easily. My heart squeezed in my chest. I wanted to be sick, I wanted to cry, I wanted to shout and whisper and wail at how much I didn’t deserve them. There was something wrong with me. Something so desperately, deeply, undeniably wrong.
I smiled faintly at Roman and Dean, lucky to have the two of them. They understood me so well, even when I didn’t deserve it. I kissed Dean’s cheek and squeezed Roman’s hand as I passed by. Faint light filtered out from beneath Seth’s bedroom door. Time seemed to move slowly as I rested my forehead against the wood and knocked.
“Damn it, I know, okay,” Seth swore as he thumped around in his room. His footsteps were heavy as he stomped to the door, yanking it open so fast that I very nearly fell over. “I’m leaving. Just give me a sec—”
His brown doe eyes went wide. Clearly, he hadn’t expected me to be there. My heart skipped sideways, and I couldn’t explain why. Something danced over his face, lighting up his expression, but it flitted away before I could make sense of it. “What are you doing here?”
I leaned against the doorframe. He smelled like coffee beans and vanilla. The scent hurtled memories before my mind’s eye. The two of us sprawled in the floor of the living room, notes and books strewn over the table, plates scraped clean of Dean’s famous breakfast sandwiches mixed in with fast food containers and a cascade of coffee cups stacked everywhere. Standing in the hallway before our lecture began, leaning against the wall and arguing about music and bad sci-fi movies.
Something tugged in the space behind my ribs. For a moment, I lost my breath entirely.
“You looked upset,” I whispered. I had the strangest urge to hug him—to hold him and protect him from everything. “What’s wrong?”
The corners of his mouth tipped upward in a poor imitation of a smile. “Stop worrying about me, Addy. Go spend your Valentine’s Day with Dean and Ro.”
I blinked, trying to stop tears that appeared out of nowhere. I couldn’t understand why I was crying in the first place. “Don’t do that,” I gasped, robbed entirely of breath. “Don’t act like you don’t care.”
Seth backed up a step, looking at me as if he’d never seen me before. His fingers twitched at his side like he wanted to reach out but was restraining himself. “Don’t care about what exactly?
My throat closed. I felt like screaming. Like beating my fists against his chest until he admitted it. I couldn’t entirely figure out what I wanted him to admit, but the irrationally emotional side of me didn’t care.
“You’re unhappy. You’re hurt. My God, Seth, you’re here on Valentine’s Day when you should be with… Oh…” The flash of anger melted in an instant. His eyes lost focus. “It’s none of my business. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he mumbled, propping himself up on the door. He was close, the scent of him stronger than before. “She had a very good reason for breaking up with me.”
The urge to hold him rushed back at me. I had to restrain myself. I crossed my arms over my chest instead. “And what was it exactly?” I heard the hesitation, the hitch in my voice, and hated myself for it.
That look appeared in his eyes again—making him look impossibly dark and fathomless. He closed his eyes, swallowed hard, clenched his fists at his sides. It was as if he were fighting a battle with himself—one that he was clearly losing.
With a sigh, he met my gaze. “It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who’s in love with someone else. Even if it’s someone they can’t ever have.”
He looked… broken. There was no other word for it. I hated it. Myself for putting him in this position. For ruining him… for ruining whatever friendship we had. How could I do this? How could I keep doing this?
The tears dripped hot and molten down my cheeks. I swiped them away frustratedly. Seth was in pain, and it wasn’t fair for me to break down in front of him. Not like this. I sucked in a deep breath and nodded furiously.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry, Seth. Becky doesn’t know what she’s missing.”
I turned on my heel and walked away, holding my shoulders as steady as possible. I wanted… I didn’t know what I wanted. Everything about me—about this entire situation—was wrong. Damaged. Ugly and desperately, completely twisted. Sick.
The overwhelming urge to curl up with Roman and Dean nearly knocked me to my knees. And yet… I wanted them to hate me. To look at me and see that I wasn’t worthy of them and their hearts. That I was a selfish girl who wanted everything and then more and more. They were good and kind and deserved far better than whatever I was.
Simple Minds hummed from the television as I practically stumbled into the living room. Dean sat sideways, watching the hallway and chewing on the edge of his thumb. Roman leaned against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest, a deep furrow in his brow. They both looked up when I stepped into the room, nearly stumbling over my own feet.
“Addy,” Roman queried as he practically crossed the room in two steps. He wrapped me in my arms, catching me as I stumbled and fell against his chest. For a brief moment, I thought I’d passed out.
In the next moment, I was curled in his lap on the sofa, Dean scooting closer. His worn fingers cradled the back of my head as he stroked the back of my neck with his thumb. Roman swept his fingers along my cheeks, wiping away the tears that still burned along my face. I ached in a way that I couldn’t explain. I hurt in a way that was more than I had the right to. It was a heartbreak that I hadn’t earned.
“What happened, baby girl?” Roman murmured, his hand curling gently along my throat. “Did he say something?”
Dean smiled against my shoulder. “Did he finally tell you the truth?”
“The truth about what?” I whimpered, wanting to curl into a ball. It felt like a hole had been punched straight through my chest. “I thought he was my friend. I thought…”
Roman kissed me gently, barely a brush of his lips against mine. “He is, Addy. He cares for you more than you could imagine.”
Dean’s voice ran over me like water. He pressed his mouth against the curve of my throat. “He’s like me, princess. He’s just too scared to say it.”
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I sank down onto a stuffed sofa in the lobby of Felton Hall. Jimmy, Jey, and Xavier Woods had taken control of the television and were playing Super Smash Brothers. They shouted and cursed and laughed until the entire building rang with it. I wanted to smile, but I couldn’t quite get myself to. Something felt off. It had felt off for weeks now.
Ember plopped down beside me, turning so that her head hung off the cushions and her legs were tossed over the back of the sofa. She tapped her feet against the wall in a faint, uneven pattern. “You look like shit, Holloway.”
“Gee, thanks, Ember,” I spat back sarcastically. My temper had been on a hair trigger for the past few weeks. I couldn’t explain it. “I didn’t know that.”
Her eyes went wide and she blew a raspberry in my direction. “Get the stick outta your ass. You’ve won Queen Bitch for the month already. Charlotte is very upset that you stole her crown.”
I rolled my eyes and let my head fall back. “I’m sorry, Ember.”
She reached out and took my hand. “It’s all good.” We sat quietly for a while, both watching the videogame on the television. After a moment, she spoke. “Hey, Addy? Can I ask you a question?”
“Beyond the one you just asked, sure.”
Ember pulled herself up and turned sideways, sitting cross legged. She pulled her braids over her shoulder as she cocked her head at me. “You’re around the dorm a lot lately.”
I felt my brows quirk up. “That’s not a question.”
She sighed and dropped her chin to her chest. “Some of us… okay a lot of us… we’re worried…” She sucked in a deep breath and finally just spit it out. “Did something happen with you and Dean and Roman?”
My heart squeezed in my chest for a reason I couldn’t name. I picked at my thumbnail. “No,” I replied quickly. Maybe a little too quickly. “Yes? No, I don’t know.”
Ember stood up, her fingers wrapped around mine. She tugged me to my feet and out of the lobby. The sound of Super Smash Brothers faded as she let out a piercing whistle. “Somebody get McIntyre, Dana, and Sonya. And for god’s sake, make sure Sonya has donuts. Addy’s room in five minutes.”
“What is wrong with you?” I snapped as I stumbled after her. I turned bright red as she yanked me past the big glass doors, where Xavier’s friends E and Kofi stared at us. “Ember!”
She ignored me, turning toward me with her hand out as we stopped in front of the door to my room. She arched a brow—I hated people who could do that—and huffed until I handed it over. Ember wasted no time pushing me through before turning back toward the hallway and shouting as loud as she could.
“McIntyre! Brook! Deville! Get in here. Now!” She ducked through the door for a half a second before poking her head back out. “Donuts!”
She perched on the edge of my desk as we waited. It didn’t take long before the sounds of stomping and running could be heard in the hall. There was no mistaking Drew’s big fist as he slammed on the door. I crawled up onto my bed and hugged my pillow against my chest as he fell into the room with Dana and Sonya hot on his heels. Sonya balanced a double sized box of donuts on her palm.
“What’s up?” my roommate said as she plopped the box on the mattress in front of me. I flipped the top open and grabbed a chocolate iced.
I took my time, thinking as I chewed. Drew pulled out a chair and dragged it across the room. He turned it backwards and sat down, draping his arms over the back. Dana sat on the floor at Ember’s feet. They all watched me with worried eyes, even as I tried to stay quiet.
“Anyone else notice that she’s been around the dorm a lot more than usual lately?” Ember said as she looked around the room. “Like… a lot more?
Drew looked at me sideways. His blue eyes were soft and worried. “What’s wrong, Addy? Whose ass do I need to kick?”
“There’s nothing wrong, guys. Ember is just blowing everything out of proportion.” I rolled up into a sitting position and licked glaze from my fingers. “What’s wrong is that you guys think it’s weird that I’m not on Roman and Dean twenty-four-seven.”
“We don’t think that,” Drew replied smoothly. “But you’ve looked sad for weeks now.”
I sucked in a breath, trying to hold back tears that seemed to come out of nowhere. Sonya hopped up beside me and put her head on my shoulder. “I see you every day, Ads. And I see you in class. You don’t act like yourself.”
“The boys don’t either,” Dana said quietly. “I’ve got philosophy with Dean. He’s fucking miserable.”
My head fell back against the wall with a thump. “I don’t like being over there lately. It’s not that I don’t want to be with Ro and Dean, but…” Tears made my throat burn. “It’s weird over there now. Seth is mad at me or something. Every time I go over, he leaves. Like immediately.”
Sonya pushed a tissue into my hands. I didn’t even know I’d started crying. My heart slipped in my chest. “I stayed the weekend and he bailed to stay with his friend Buddy. I don’t know what I did, but he doesn’t even want to look at me or talk to me. When I go into the coffee shop… if he’s working… he pushes someone else to help me and goes in the back.”
I sighed and sank against my roommate. A moment later, Dana and Ember had joined us on my bed—one of them on my side and the other tucked in behind me. The three of them wrapped their arms around me, hugging me tight. Drew reached out and took my hands in his.
“Rollins is a howlin’ doaty scrote,” Drew snarled, angrily. His face went red. At the moment, I was glad that Seth wasn’t around. I had the sense that Drew would have knocked Seth’s teeth down his throat.
“I don’t even know if I want to know what that is,” I whispered. “Nothing good, I’m sure.”
“Damn right,” he replied, clenching his fists. “Have you told Roman and Dean what’s going on when they aren’t around?”
Dana pressed her cheek against mine as I shook my head. She wrapped her arms tight around my shoulders and hugged me firmly. “You should. You know how they feel about you, Addy. It’d probably kill them to know you were so upset.”
I dabbed at the tears still streaming down my cheeks. The next thing I knew, Drew stood up, practically knocking the chair over as he did. He gathered me up in a strong hug that made me want to cry even harder.
“You tell them or I will, Holloway. And I’m going to break Rollins in half the next time I see him.” He took a deep breath, and caught my face up in between his large hands. “Nobody hurts my friends. Not even boyfriends.”
Sonya made a scoffing noise, causing Drew to grin sideways. “Or girlfriends.”
***
I looked up from the steps of the boys’ apartment as the sound of Dean’s Camaro split the quiet. A second later, he had turned into the parking lot and slid to a halt on the icy surface. The moment he opened the door he ran toward where I sat, shivering in Roman’s hoodie. Dean didn’t even bother to cover the car before snatching me up in his arms and carrying me into the apartment.
The warmth hit me like a blast, and yet it didn’t stop the violent shivers that were wracking my entire frame. Dean dashed into his room and came back with blankets and the comforter from his bed. He tucked them around me, scrubbing my body vigorously to burn warmth into my limbs.
“What in the hell is wrong with you, Addy?” he asked, his voice halfway between worried and angry. “It’s freezing outside. And how the hell did you get here?”
I rocked back and forth, my teeth chattering. “W—wa—walked.”
“Jesus fuck,” Dean swore. He kicked off his boots and climbed onto the sofa with me, dragging me into his arms, still bundled up like a burrito. “You walked all the way from campus? In this weather?”
All I could do was nod.
Dean was quiet for a long while. He snuggled me close, letting his body heat bleed into me. I tucked my head beneath his chin and tried to work up my courage. If either of the boys would understand what was going on with me, it would be Dean. After all, we’d started this whole thing out pretty much the same way.
“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours, princess?” he asked at last. His lips brushed against my temple. “You look so far away right now.”
I took a deep breath, letting the scent of snow and Dean’s cologne calm my racing heart. “D’you remember just before Roman brought me to that first fight?”
His voice was quiet, but I could feel his breath as it stirred the hair at my cheek. “I remember hating myself because Ro is like my brother, and I couldn’t imagine hurting him. And I couldn’t stand to be around you, because it made me hate myself even more.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. And yet, tears spilled down my cheeks once again. I was so tired of crying, but I didn’t know what I could do to stop it.
“Seth won’t speak to me anymore,” I confessed at last. “Not in class. Not at the bookstore coffee shop. He hasn’t said a word to me since Valentine’s Day.”
“Princess…” Dean turned me in his arms. He smiled sadly, his fingers brushing my cheeks. “That isn’t your fault. None of this is because of you.”
I scoffed. “Feels like it.”
Dean kissed me softly. “Seth is doing his best to be a good guy—a good friend—to Ro and me. I know how he feels, Addy.” He pressed another kiss against the corners of my mouth. “Tell me something? The truth… how do you feel about Seth?”
My heart dropped into my toes. I felt sick. What the fuck was wrong with me?
“Just like I feel about Roman. And about you.”
Dean’s lips tilted up in a knowing smile. “Then we’ll just have to bring him around, won’t we?”
“So,” Seth said as he popped up outside my Thursday morning class.
I jumped and let out a soft scream, my textbook and notebook slamming to the ground as I jerked my hands up to cover my thudding heart. My back hit the doorframe, and I had a momentary worry that I’d broken my computer.
“Fuck, sorry, Addy,” Seth said, reaching both hands out to me. “I thought you saw me.”
Before I could stop myself, I felt my fist slam straight into his shoulder. Pain lanced up my arm from my middle finger. It felt so sharp that I gasped in a breath and clutched my hand to my chest. “Jesus fuck, Rollins!”
“I’m sorry! Are you okay?” He dropped into a crouch to pick up my books, looking as if my blow had barely phased him. “You didn’t have to hit me.”
“You scared the shit out of me! You just showed up outside of my class and jumped out at me!” I tried to lower my voice. Honestly, I didn’t know whether I was angry or embarrassed. Seth held out my books and I reached out automatically with my injured hand. I gasped as I tried to get my finger to straighten.
“What did you do?” he exclaimed.
“What did I do? You scared the crap outta me! How did you think I’d react?”
Seth wrapped his fingers around my wrist. “Dear God, Addy, you didn’t have to try to punch me! Did you break your hand?”
“I don’t know!” I squealed, trying to snatch my hand back. It throbbed, and I swore I could feel my heart pounding in the palm of my hand. Then I just flat out swore. “Holy fuck that hurts.”
“Shit,” Seth swore under his breath. “They’re going to kill me. Both of them.”
He snatched up my backpack and shoved my books into them, throwing it over his shoulder. Then he slipped his arm around my back and sighed. “Come on, Addy, let’s get you to the doctor.”
Seth led me gently toward the door. The scent of coffee beans and warmth gathered around me, reminding me of all those afternoons and evenings spent sitting around that coffee table and studying for our political science exams. It was like home—the sound of Dean making breakfast sandwiches in the kitchen, Roman turning the pages of a novel while he stretched out on the sofa, Seth grumbling about not understanding and saying he was going to quit and just play videogames. My heart settled into a faint and happy rhythm.
“Come on, sweets,” he said as he took my good hand, tugging me across the quad toward the commuter lot. “I’ve got to get you fixed up before tonight.”
I stumbled along behind him. Tonight. Valentine’s Day.
Shit.
“Seth,” I murmured in a sickly sweet way. “You wouldn’t happen to know what they’re up to, do you?”
He laughed, and I realized how much I liked the sound. He looked back over his shoulder, his dark eyes bright. The gap in his front teeth was evident as he smiled. “It’s more than my life is worth to tell you that. If they don’t kill me for breaking your hand, they will kill me for spilling the beans.”
“See, you said it yourself. You broke my hand,” I wheedled. “I would think that you owed me . Especially on Valentine’s Day.”
“That’s not fair,” he shot back as he unlocked the door of a black RAV-4. “And you know it. Now behave yourself and let me take your ass to the hospital.”
Once he was sure I was in safely, he shut the door and rounded the front of the car. I could see him mumbling to himself, looking halfway between excited and terrified. When he slipped into the car, he grunted and growled almost as if he were angry with me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I know you wouldn’t tell me anything anyway. You three are thick as thieves. Like brothers, but more than that, you know?”
Seth reached across the divide and squeezed my hand. “I’ll tell you one thing. Just one.”
My pulse jumped in my throat. What did I want to know? What was enough information but not so much that it ruined the surprise? I sighed.
“Don’t. They’ve worked to put this together for me. I should be surprised.”
He laughed. “I’ll be surprised if it goes off right. They’ve only been working on it since yesterday.”
“What? But Dean said…”
Seth pulled out of the parking lot and onto the winding road that lead to town. He drove carefully, as if he were worried of causing me any kind of pain. “Dean talks a big game, Addy. I thought you’d figured that out by now.”
I sighed and leaned my head back on the headrest. A stabbing ache shot through my wrist and I gasped, clutching my intured hand against my chest. Seth reached over, fingertips gently brushing my knee.
“It’s okay, Addy. We’re almost to the clinic.” His voice broke with worry. The pain spiked and my entire body tensed. Seth’s grip tightened, fingertips digging hard into my flesh. “We’re almost there.”
***
Seth was grey as he sat in a chair across the room from me. One of the doctors had my arm propped up on a flat padded surface as he looked at my X-rays. He’d spent the last few minute trying to determine whether he wanted to give me a temporary splint or a full cast. The pain had faded substantially after they gave me some pain medication. Honestly, I was surprised that I was still conscious. Usually I was a lightweight, knocked out by anything stronger than Advil.
“They’re going to kill me,” Seth repeated again as he leaned his chin on his fist. “Dean is going to bust me in the mouth. And Roman is going to break me in half.”
“Oh, they’re going to do worse,” I replied, feeling a grin curve my lips. “What are they going to do when I tell them you tried to kiss me?”
In an instant, Seth’s face went from grey to red to green and back again. He sat straight up, the line of his mouth tight. It looked as if he tried to take a breath, but choked on the air. “I… Addy… I…”
“Seth, relax,” I teased as the doctor started pulling out a variety of items from several drawers. “I’m just joking. They’re not going to do anything to you. And if they do, I’ll whack them with my cast.”
“No, you won’t,” the doctor said sternly.
***
The door of the apartment flew open just as Seth and I hit the top step. Dean’s ginger hair was mussed, color high on his cheeks, worry in his bright cornflower eyes. “What the fuck happened?” he breathed, practically snatching me up. His hands cupped the sides of my neck, thumbs stroking the line of my jaw. “Are you okay?”
I reached for him with my good hand and sighed. “I’m fine, Dean.”
He pulled me into the apartment, his arm slipping around my back. He settled his palm on the curve of my hip as he drew me to the sofa. “Are you sure?”
“It’s my fault,” Seth said from the doorway. He watched me with worry etched in his brown eyes. “If it wasn’t for me…”
“Oh shut up,” Dean said with a smirk. “You scared the shit out of her and she punched you. It’s not your fault nobody ever showed her how to do it right.”
I couldn’t help but grin as the color rushed back into Seth’s face. He sank onto the sofa beside me, close enough to touch. After a minute, he grabbed the collar of his shirt and tugged it down and over. There, just beneath his collarbone was a blooming bruise the size of my fist.
“I’m pretty sure she knows how,” Seth teased, grinning. “It actually hurts just a little bit.”
“Seth! Did I really do that?’ I gasped, reaching for him with my good hand. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”
“Look at that, princess,” Dean said proudly. “Looks like you do know how to throw one.”
Spring semester crawled by in a way that fall semester hadn’t. January gave way to February like syrup moving in a freeze. The snow continued to fall, burying the entire campus in a blanket of white that made Roman complain and grumble that he wanted to be back in Florida. Seth and Dean laughed at him, swearing that winter in Davenport or Cincinnati was a hundred times worse than at Grand Mountain. I just sat back, wrapped up in Ro’s Pirates hoodie and Dean’s blanket, watching them bicker and gripe at one another.
“What are you and Becky doing for Valentine’s Day?” I asked Seth one afternoon as we sat in the living room of their apartment. We were ensconced on opposite ends of the sofa. He played Assassin’s Creed while he told me the story of the entire franchise.
To be honest, I liked sitting around and watching Seth play videogames. It was calming in a way even though Seth was alternately shouting curses and murmuring to himself. Sometimes I would stretch out with my feet in his lap and bump his controller with my toes. He’d curse, slap me on the calf, and push my feet away. Before he knew it, I’d have my feet right back in his lap and the whole process would begin again.
Seth was quiet for a while, studying the screen intently. I saw his jaw clench as he took a deep breath. After a while, he replied with a simple “Nothing.”
I sat up and scooted across the sofa to sit closer. “Why not? I thought you liked her. And I know she liked you.”
His head fell back against the sofa and he closed his eyes. “I did. I do. It’s just… it’s complicated, Addy. More than I thought it would be.”
There was a sadness in his voice that I couldn’t match with the guy I’d known for months. I didn’t like the way it took the light from his chocolate eyes. For a moment, I wanted to wrap him up in my arms. I ached to see him so unhappy and upset.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, sitting up on my knees next to him. My hands settled on his bicep as I let my chin rest against his shoulder. “You can talk to me, Seffie. I promise.”
A faint smile curled the corner of his mouth. He tilted his head until his cheek rested on my hair. “You’re the only one who could get away with calling me that.”
“I’d be hurt if you let them,” I replied with a grin.
He laughed softly, his mouth dropping a sweet, brotherly-like kiss upon my hair.
***
I curled in a chair by the fireplace in the dorm lounge, my Anthropological History of Mesopotamia textbook sitting uselessly in my lap. Snow piled up on the windowsill casting glittering light across the floor. It made me want to go curl back into bed and dream of spring. Of a spring with the mountains in bloom and everything going bright and green. Or of a far away beach under the bright, burning sun.
“You look like someone kicked ya gran,” Drew said as he plopped down on the floor in front of me. He sat sideways, one arm resting on the cushions, turned toward me. He grinned, one corner of his mouth lifting. His eyes were intensely blue in a wonderfully familiar way. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing, Highlander,” I replied, letting my cheek settle against the window. The cold snapped me out of an exhaustion that I didn’t know I’d felt. “Winter blues.”
Drew propped his chin up on my knee. “Come on, now, lass. It’s two days to Valentine’s. Don’t those boys of yours have something up their sleeves?”
Shrugging, I snapped the book shut and tossed it to the end of the seat. “I haven’t a clue.”
“If those two lavvy heided numpties don’t do something, I’ll nip right round and bust the both of them in the mouth.” He grinned, dimples popping in his cheeks beneath his beard. I watched his eyes light up. “What are ya laughing at, lass?”
“What the fuck is a ‘lavvy heided numpty?’”
Drew smiled even wider and reached up to bop me gently on the nose with his fingertip. “It’s nothin’ good, that’s for sure.”
It was impossible not to smile around Drew. He was infectious like that, and I was glad he was my friend. I smiled back, the corner of my lips tipping upward. “C’mon, let’s go commander the television and have a Supernatural marathon. I’m sick of homework.”
“Sounds good to me, lass,” he replied as he stood up. “I’ll send one of the gadgies down to Gino’s to pick us up some food.”
“Cheeseburger with extra cheese and double fries. And an extra-large Coke!” I shouted over my shoulder as I raced toward my room. I tossed my bag onto my desk and grabbed the season one DVD from the shelf. Before I left, I grabbed a blanket and a couple pillows.
By the time I got back to the lounge, a small crowd had formed. Jimmy and Jey were setting up a Playstation and connecting it to the television. Peyton and Sonya were curled up together in one of the overstuffed armchairs. Drew was perched on the table near the door, his phone at his ear as he rolled off a list of orders. I felt sorry for whichever JV guy had been tasked with going down to Gino’s and back in the snow.
“Hey,” I grumbled as I slipped past Drew into the lounge. “We called the TV first, boys.”
Jimmy turned to look at me over his shoulder and grinned. “We’ve come down to join the party, Addy. Drew sent an all call.”
I rolled my eyes and plopped down onto the U-sofa with the DVD set in my lap. A few moments later, Dana and Ember hopped the back and crashed into place on either side of me. I let out a faint squeal and then wrapped my arms around their shoulders.
“You guys, too?”
Ember laughed. “We saw the crowd; thought we’d come investigate.”
“Yeah,” Dana said smoothly, “besides, it’s been a long time since we’ve seen you. You’re always over at Roman’s these days.”
I felt myself sink down into the cushions, not quite looking at either of them. “I’m sorry, guys. I suppose I’ve been a little distracted the last few months.”
They grinned and squished me between them in a massive, warm hug. Ember leaned her head against mine. “Sweetheart, you’ve got two of the finest boys on this entire campus desperately in love with you. We’d be distracted, too.”
“Food’s here!” Drew boomed as a gust of cold air swept through the room. I tossed the DVD set to Jimmy as one of the JV football players—I thought his name was Chad Gable, but I couldn’t be sure—came in carting his body weight in Gino’s containers. It would have been funny if my stomach hadn’t growled so loudly that it echoed throughout the entire lounge.
***
“Shit,” I said, flopping backward on my mattress, phone held to my ear. It was just after eleven at night. “I’m sorry. I ran into Drew in the lobby and then we ended up having like an eight-hour marathon of Supernatural with a bunch of the people in the dorm. I lost track of time.”
Roman laughed on the other end. “It’s fine, baby girl.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “If I didn’t know better, I’d be jealous of Drew.”
“Me, too!” came a faint voice across the line. I recognized Dean’s voice, even if it was far away.
I grinned and rolled onto my side, the phone caught between my ear and the pillow. “You both know you have nothing to worry about. I have more than enough to handle with the two of you.”
“You got that right, princess,” Dean called. His voice was a little louder. I assumed he’d moved closer to the phone.
My heart skipped a beat or two before settling into a soothing rhythm. Their voices were calming, more than anything else in my world. I smiled and snuggled down in bed, wishing they were here.
“So… what are you two doing for me for Valentine’s Day?” I asked casually.
I heard Dean laughing, beautiful and deep. Roman’s throaty chuckle followed behind. Every time I heard them, I fell a little more in love.
“You think we’re going to tell you?” Roman said teasingly.
“Just you wait, Addy,” Dean added playfully, “you’re going to love it.”
