entp: thanks for picking me up

intj, driving: ah no problem, i like being in control anyway

~

intj: people want me to care about other people more than i do

entp: ... yep

~

intj: the only times i go back to my sorority are the nights where i’m out until 2am because i am being inducted into a secret society

entp: are you sure that you don’t want me to come in and scare the living shit out of them?

intj: i’m good, i really appreciate the offer though

entp: of course! tbh it’s more for my benefit than yours

~

intj complaining about sorority: like i’m sorry that i have a brain and goals and don’t like doing cocaine on the weekdays

entp who had been drinking water and almost choked: i’m sorry what?

intj: yep.

entp: no wonder they’re so skinny

~

entp: you ever think about the fact that we’re simultaneously hyper judgmental but also accepting?

intj: yeah. like i don’t care what the hell you do, but i am going to judge you for it

~

intj: i purposely antagonize my hyper-conservative family just because i can

entp: *facepalm*

also intj: this is my flashlight that is also a bat. i bought it myself, best $30 i’ve ever spent

(it is literally a giant metal baton with a light on the end of it)

~

talking about relationships 

because why the hell not just don’t worry about the fact that we hate people and potentially any kind of romantic intimacy

intj: yeah so i went to coffee with (kid we both knew from high school) and i had been putting it off because weird vibes

entp: ... was he into you

intj: yes. thankfully i had to go get a covid vaccine so i got out of there pretty quickly

entp: my guy friend once said that it seemed that i thought that everyone is into me. and like, yes, but no, but also they are.

intj: i don’t trust men

entp: yep.

~

intj: is this a parking spot? no? oh well, what are they gonna do give us a ticket?

entp: i’ll be real honest, we’re both conventionally attractive and charming enough to talk our way out of it anyway

-

attempting to buy coffee and the line is long

entp: do you just wanna order together and one of us can venmo?

intj who had just paid entp $8 for sushi: yeah sure

entp: wait am i just about to venmo you back your $8?

intj: i would prefer if you pay because venmo money is not real money to me

entp: ... k

-

entp staring at the plastic rat on the dashboard: that’s scrat right?

intj: what? oh that’s chester. i think scrat was the squirrel from ice age

entp: i thought he was a rat?

intj: no i don’t think so. 

WAIT. 

squirrel rat. 

scrat. 

we just solved everything

~

having decided to find a public bathroom

intj: we can grab coffee and i’ll get gas near there