#coffeedrips

I realized I haven't written in months. I haven't cried in weeks. I forgot that there were things I was good at. Disappeared quietly into the boxes of my moms room. Was called "desperate" by my sister Was avoided because I just wanted contact Was forgotten because my friendships are far and few I've been in mourning. I lost too much at once. I cry out "why" and "why" Hoping to punish myself. 5 people, surely they must be in the right Absolutely, I no longer deserve. I was opened up by life and hallowed myself out. "How could I ever think I could build anything good?" I told myself I didn't deserve to have ambition Didn't deserve to learn or speak I could barely breathe. It's been a year and I'm in mourning. It's been a year and someone told me I've become an empty shell of who I used to be. Lovely still, but without passion I was held as I cried and told that love was there for me. Hope was there for me. I am not undeserving of friendships of support. I must now fill myself with the hard truths of hope and faith. Faith that I will make it because this world has given me as much as it has taken, but tries to give me sunshine when I am unwilling and I don't see it until it's gone. I'm afraid to want because I make mistakes and when I make mistakes I lose too much I deserve more than silence and nothing.

I just want someone to tie me up and fuck me good.

Life is forcing patience down my throat. Every time I gain some leverage, I'm stripped of some kind of hope. Cornered into creating something new. A kind of twisted understanding as to why somewhere, somehow Breathing always hurts.