#coaddiction

Start with what you know is true.

I should be working out right now. I should be working on the assignments my sponsor has given me. I should be straightening up my house, or finishing the book I've renewed at the library a thousand times already. There are a million things I should be doing.

A person I once cherished and who I now am able to see as how they really, truly are, once told me I should write. I think it was the only decent and honest thing he ever said to me. So here I am, writing.

Today I read a post by Cheryl Strayed that said, "I didn't sleep well last night because I was so annoyed with myself for not trusting my instincts about something years ago. Have you ever done that? Spent a whole fitful night because you're mad at your own damn, wish-washy, younger self? So. Here I am now, awake in the true light of morning, knowing what I knew, but knowing it harder than I did before. Remembering to trust, while I write this next book, something I wrote in one that came before it: when the path reveals itself, follow it."

I have spent a lot of my life not trusting my instincts. I remember taking an intro to psych course in college and in it we learned about the locus of control. "Locus of control is an individual’s belief system regarding the causes of his or her experiences and the factors to which that person attributes success or failure...This concept is usually divided into two categories: internal and  external. If a person has an internal locus of control, that person  attributes success to his or her own efforts and abilities. A person who  expects to succeed will be more motivated and more likely to learn. A  person with an external locus of control, who attributes his or her  success to luck or fate, will be less likely to make the effort needed  to learn. People with an external locus of control are also more likely  to experience anxiety  since they believe that they are not in control of their lives. This is  not to say, however, that an internal locus of control is “good” and an  external locus of control is “bad.” There are other variables to be  considered, however, psychological research has found that people with a  more internal locus of control seem to be better off, e.g. they tend to  be more achievement oriented and get better paying jobs."

I always thought I had an internal locus of control. I still think that. But sometimes when I think about the turn of events in my life I think maybe I'm experiencing an external locus of control. In reality, that concept is very complicated, because some things you really truly don't have any control over. Part of the recovery program I participate in talks a lot of about accepting your powerlessness and, how once you accept it, you can learn to heal. Maybe I don't fully understand that concept yet. In fact, I'm sure I don't. I can say that I am powerless over someone else's behavior, and sometimes that bring me peace, but other times the thought of not being able to control what I know will end up affecting me is startling.

But that's why I'm here.

Start at the beginning. Start with what you know is true.

I am a woman in her 30s. I don't have a job. I am a stay at home mom to a toddler. My husband, who I love and adore, is an addict. He hid it from me for many years and once I found out, he spent even more time promising me that he would change. As of right now, as I write this, he hasn't changed. I have no control over that. I have control over how I react. I have control over how I choose to tackle each day. I have control over how big and strong and fierce my heart is.