#cmbingo19

“Is she awake yet?” Spencer asks the doctor.

“Yes, she is, but--”

Spencer doesn’t listen to what the doctor has to say after the word yes. Spencer rushes inside your hospital room, relief washing over him when he sees you sitting up and drinking some juice the nurses gave to you. He takes a seat next to your bed and grabs your hand, kissing the back of it a couple of times before pulling away.

“I didn’t think you were going to wake up. You’ve been out a long time. How are you feeling?” he asks.

“I feel fine, but do I know you?” you ask in confusion, pulling your hand away from his.

Spencer’s world crashes immediately, crumbling all around him. The doctor comes in and pulls Spencer aside so as to not freak you out or anything.

“Why doesn’t she know who I am?”

“She has a severe case of amnesia. When she got injured, she hit her head pretty hard. I’m afraid I don’t know when or if she will get her memories back.”

The only reason you’re like this is because you sacrificed yourself for him. An unsub was angry at Spencer, and you put your life on the line to protect him. He should have been in this hospital room instead of you. He should have had his life taken from him instead of yours.

It’s his fault you’re like this.

“Is there anything I can do?” he clears his throat, trying his hardest not to cry.

“Surround her with family and friends. Don’t rush it or else it won’t happen. Just be there for her.”

He never thought you would be a victim of one of his unsubs, but it’s what happened and he can’t take it back. Instead, he is going to try to get you to remember who you are and who he is…

Seven years earlier

This couldn’t be real. 

You’d been punched in the chest. 

No matter how deeply you breathed, you couldn’t find relief.

Every word uttered from someone’s mouth turned into a whisper on the wind, barely heard, barely comprehended. 

“No, it’s not possible.” You broke down, eyes welling up with tears in an instant. Your entire life, gone. You inhaled sharply, words choked out in an attempt to breathe - find relief from this immediate unbearable pain. “They can’t be gone.”

The young agent’s eyes filled up, his lip trembling as he spoke the words again. “I’m sorry, Y/N. Your parents didn’t make it.”

“No! No! No!” You screamed and screamed and screamed, flailing against the nurses and doctors that came to your aide. A blood-curdling scream ripped from your throat, heard by nearly everyone on the hospital floor. 

Agent Rossi came rushing in, pulling the younger man out of the way as he appealed to you. “Y/N, Y/N, calm down!” Pushing the doctor aside, he wrapped his arms around you and let you scream into his chest. “I’m going to find the people who did this,” he whispered softly. “Y/N, I promise I won’t rest until I find them.” 

                                                             -----

Present Day

“Wait, what?” You laughed nervously.

It had been seven years since Rossi had taken you in at the age of 13. For some reason, you’d trusted him implicitly and when he’d expressed an interest in adopting you a year after your parents’ death you’d accepted enthusiastically. 

Just as he’d promised, he caught the couple that killed your parents and now they were rotting in jail. While he wasn’t a replacement, Rossi had become a father in every way that counted. He was gone frequently, but you still felt the love. Whenever he was home, you did everything together, from cooking to golfing to passing judgement on others - a national pastime. “What do you mean you have a daughter?”

“Remember that girl I told you about that accosted me at work? Her name was Joy and she claimed she was my daughter...turns out...that’s true.”

That punched in the chest feeling returned. It hadn’t since the fifth anniversary of your parents’ death, but here it was again, hard, heavy and immovable. “How old is she?” You asked, doing the best you could to mask the feeling of replacement that washed over your entire body.

“She’s 27. She has a husband and a son, named Kai. You remember me telling you about Hayden? She’s her mother.”

“Wow.” It was the only thing you could think to say. Why would he need you when he had a true born daughter? “How do you feel?” You hoped beyond hope that there would be a moment that you could naturally bow out of the conversation to go to your room and cry yourself to sleep. 

“A lot of things. I mean, it’s great. She seems like a wonderful girl. But it just came out of nowhere. I’m also angry at Hayden for keeping her from me. All the years I lost out on, you know?”

“Yea. Just take some time to process it, I guess.” Whether you were talking to him or yourself you weren’t sure. “You okay if I go do some homework?”

Distractedly, he replied, leaving you the moment to run. The moment you got into your room, you choked out a sob, covering your mouth so he wouldn’t hear. 

                                                            -----

Yet again, you were home alone while your makeshift father met with his real daughter. He’d only met with her a few times, but each time he went, your heart sunk. You didn’t go away to college, preferring to stay home with him, but that meant you had nowhere else to go. 

The smile on his face when he spoke of her, spoke of his grandson especially, it was like a knife twisting in your heart. You dared not take it out lest you bleed out. 

For hours and hours, you attempted to study, but you kept getting distracted. When you heard the lock in the door downstairs, you popped up from your bed and rushed downstairs. Maybe she would end up being a horrible person and he’d want nothing to do with her. As you rounded the corner, you saw the smile on his face and the picture in his hand. From far away, you could tell it was Joy and Kai.

Unwelcomed tears returned and you attempted to run back up the stairs when he called you. “Y/N? I’m home. How’re you? Have you had dinner yet?”

“No, not yet,” you said shakily, your attempts at disguising tears failing miserably. “Not really hungry.”

“What’s wrong?” He asked. “You’re crying.” 

He could hear it.

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m good.”

“No you’re not. Did that boy do something to you? I swear I’ll kill him.”

You choked back a laugh. “No, he didn’t. Everything’s good, Pop. I swear.”

As you made your way up the stairs, you heard his footsteps behind you and felt his hand on your arm. “You are crying. Why? What happened? You know you can tell me.”

He still had the picture in his hand. You chanced a glance, confirming what you already knew. His new family. His real family. Once more, you insisted everything was fine.

Suddenly, the realization dawned on him. “It’s Joy, isn’t it?” He asked, horrified. “You think she’s replacing you.”

“She is, isn’t she?” You asked, tired of keeping the tears at bay. “She’s your real daughter. I’m just some girl you felt sorry for after her parents were brutally murdered.”

“No,” he said on the verge of tears himself. “You’re the daughter I chose. Against every worry I had about being a father, not being able to be there enough for you while I work. Against it all, I chose you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad Joy found me and one day I’m sure I’ll end up feeling like her father, but right now I don’t. That’s why I’m trying to get to know her. So that one day I’ll be able to dote on two daughters instead of one.” The pool of tears fell down his cheeks as he pulled you close and you cried into his shoulder. “People say you can’t choose your family. Well, that’s bullshit.”

“You sound like Spencer,” you laughed. “Like a mix of you and Spencer.”

Pulling you back from his shoulder, he cradled your face in his hands, wiping your tears away with the pads of his thumbs. “I did choose my family. And the addition of someone else doesn’t take away from that. She may be older, but you’ll always be my first girl. No matter what.”

“You sure?” You laughed.

“Absolutely. You’re my girl. Now, you wanna cook dinner together?”

“Baked ziti?”

Your first date was meant to be at some fancy restaurant in town, where the steak cost more than your rent, but he had to cancel at the last minute, having been called away on a case. When he landed 3 days later he called again to apologise. You told him you didn't care. Instead, you met him at Joe’s 24 hour diner, where he spilled his mind over coffee, which he described as nectar of the gods after the police coffee he had to suffer through, and a chocolate doughnut. 

He laughed when the chocolate smeared on your face and continued to laugh as you struggled to lick it off. He reached across the table to wipe it from your face, and it seemed like the world slowed down for a moment. His thumb stroked your face, and he left it there for a second, reluctant to pull back. Your face felt like it was on fire, and when he puled away, you felt as if you could still feel his warm hand on your cheek. You left that diner that night with a promise to see each other again soon and a parting kiss on the cheek. 

After the diner you continued to see each other almost every day in the coffee shop, and would meet up once a week for dinner. Your first kiss three weeks in  left the lingering taste of sweet chocolate and bitter coffee on your tongue and a hunger for more. 

Soon enough, your meetings became less formal. You would visit his apartment after work, often stopping by the coffee shop on the way, which you found was exactly half way between your two apartments. He would sometimes lie with his head in your lap, telling you all about the horrors from his job that haunted him. He was always sure to hold back though, the last thing he wanted to do was scare you with the worst humanity had to offer, what he faced on a daily basis. You would often tell him off all the dramas from work, and somehow it helped him to feel normal.

You met his team one Saturday afternoon. You had the day off, but the team had to work through the day to complete a backlog of paperwork. You had originally planned to spend the day lounging in his flat until he came home, but all you could think about was him hunched over his desk with no end in sight and you couldn't bear it. You turned up at the BAU that afternoon, a box of doughnuts in one hand and two coffees in the other. 

He kissed you on the cheek and introduced you to the team as his girlfriend, a smile lighting up his face the whole time. The team seemed to like you, but the box of doughnuts probably helped. JJ hugged you and Derek Morgan kissed you on the cheek. Penelope pulled you into a bone crushing hug and as she pulled away you could see Derek punching Spencer on the shoulder, a look of pride on his face, as Spencer smiled at the ground. When he glanced over at you, you could tell you had a similar smile on your own face.  

On your 28th birthday, Spencer woke you up with a candle in a doughnut. You blew out the candle as the sun began to creep through the cracks in the blinds. Spencer could have sworn you were an angel that morning, with your adorable bed head and massive smile and the sun giving you a golden halo. He couldn’t believe he could be so lucky to have someone like you in his life. When you kissed him that morning, he knew he had found what everyone was always talking about. 

He proposed that night at your surprise party, surrounded by all your friends. He didn't have a ring, so instead he grabbed the first round thing he could find, which just so happened to be a doughnut. You cried, pulling him into a hug before you both shared the doughnut. He promised to buy you a real ring the following day, but you doubted it could compare. 

When the two of you got married, Penelope baked you a doughnut cake. When you saw it you couldn't help but laugh. One of your favourite picture of the day was the two of you cutting the cake. You were staring at each other, the smiles on your faces larger than any you had ever seen, and the love in your eyes so strong that even as the picture faded over the years, it was unmistakeable the two of you belonged together. 

It was three months after your wedding that you told Spencer you were pregnant. He spun you in his arms and cried into your shoulder. He couldn’t ask for anything more, he felt as if everything had finally fallen into place. You just hoped they inherited your shared love of doughnuts 

“Ah ah. Don’t be a mean boy, you know mistress doesn’t like that,” Emily cooed in his ear, gently loosening the tie from his neck and undoing a few buttons.

“Yes mistress,” He sighed softly, melting into the back of the chair. Emily’s long fingers traced shapes on his chest while she whispered into his ear exactly what she had in store.

“I think you need to come over tonight and just let me take care of you, does that sound okay baby boy?”

“Y-Yes Mistress, 6:00?”

“Not one minute later or you’ll be punished, you hear?” Emily bit down softly on the young agent’s earlobe eliciting the most delicious of groans from deep within him.

“May I have a sample of what’s to come tonight, Mistress?” Spencer swallowed thickly as she came to rest on her knees in front of him.

“You’ve been pretty good today so I don’t see why not?”

She slowly lowered the zipper of his slacks, his arousal bulging against the cotton confines of his briefs. Her hand wrapped gingerly around the shaft as she pressed a small kiss to the dripping tip, a moan rumbled up from deep within Spencer his hands wrapped around the arms of the chair.

“Shh shh” Emily comforted softly as she gave kitten licks to the head, relishing in the salty tang of him on her tongue.

“Miss, please..” Spencer begged, beads of sweat formed in his brow.

Emily smirked at the term and began slowly taking the young doctor’s cock in her mouth inch by inch. Her own arousal was pooling in her silk panties and she clenched her thighs together tightly. Praying that he couldn’t smell how badly this turned her on.

“Ah fuck!” He groaned reaching for her hair, a shocked yelp making its way through his lips as she slapped his hands away and continued her ministrations.

His cock was hot and heavy on her tongue, and she loved the control she had over him in such a state. Her tongue swirled around the velvety tip, the now familiar tang washing over her tongue. She pulled away just as he reached the cusp of oblivion, a dissatisfied groan slipping between his lips.

“There will be more of that tonight if you’re a good boy today,” Emily smiled softly as she tucked him back into the cotton confines of his briefs, kissing the bulge softly before zipping up his pants with a sigh.

“Thank you, mistress,” Spencer half smiled, a hand cradling Emily’s face as he planted a chaste kiss on her lips.

“I shouldn’t allow that, but I’ll let it slide this time,” She smiled standing up and opening her office door.

“I’ll see you tonight,” Spencer whispered as he hastily exited the office.

The next 7 hours seemed to drag by at a snail’s pace. Swift glances exchanged between the pair, a reminder of what was to come that night.

6:00 came, and Spencer found himself in front of Emily’s modest condo. He knocked tentatively. They had been carrying on this affair for nearly a year but he couldn’t stop the feelings of nervousness that overcame him every time they would meet.

“Right on time, my pet,” Emily purred as she opened the door, dragging Spencer in by his tie. The growl that left his mouth was almost primal as the woman in front of him attached her lips to his neck, sucking the spot she knew drove him absolutely wild.

Emily’s curves were draped in a deep red lace teddy, her nails matched the sultry color.

“I need you,” Spencer whispered, gripping her hips in his hand as he ground his cock against her lace covered center. Groaning at the wetness to be found there.

Spencer moaned, his voice muffled behind his palms.

“Nearly one hundred people came to his lecture this week,” McKinley stated. “They’ve become very popular…with the ladies.”

“Wow! Spence, that’s great,” JJ congratulated him, though she had a mischievous gleam in her eye.

“Yeah, Boy Wonder,” Penelope chimed in. “Why the bashfulness?” She’d had a few drinks and was a bit slow on the uptake.

McKinley rolled her eyes. “Penny, bubeleh, most of them weren’t there to learn,” she emphasized, staring pointedly at Spencer.

Penelope started to cotton on. “Oh,” she grinned. “You’re saying that they-”

“Got it baaad, got it baaad, got it baaad. They’re hot for teacher. Ow!”

Emily wolf-whistled as JJ stretched over the table to ruffle Spencer’s hair.

He finally reemerged, his face beet-red, though he appeared annoyed rather than angry.

“Ley, tell us more about these fangirls,” Garcia demanded, bouncing in anticipation. “Give us the deets.”

McKinley glanced at Spencer, who shrugged, apparently resigned to the good-natured ribbing.

“Do y’all remember The Bimbettes from Beauty and the Beast?” she asked, “and the “I Love You Eyelid Girl” from Raiders of the Lost Ark?”

Penelope giggled into her drink. “That bad, huh?”

“Ugh, worse,” groaned McKinley, now buzzed and losing her filter. “Both of those things cranked up to eleven.”

She rested her elbows on the table, imitating everything the students had done. “They weren’ listenin’ to a thang he said. They twirled their hair, got all doe-eyed and constantly ‘Ooohed’ and ‘Aaahed.’ Talk about flirtin’ up a storm. I swear a few of ‘em drooled.”

“You don’t say,” Emily snickered.

“It was disgusting. Those girls made such asses of themselves. I felt bad for ‘em really.”

“Uh-huh,” JJ chuckled, sounding unconvinced.

“No, honestly! They just would not back down. They stalked us through the hallway. I was worried they were gonna eat ‘im alive!” McKinley cried as she fluffed Spencer’s hair. “I had to keep Skindiana Jones here safe.”

“I uh, I don’t recall them stalking us,” Spencer interjected, “and I still don’t understand why women always-”

“Spence, read. the book. we gave you!”

“Seriously! This has happened on so. many. cases.”

“Yeah! Remember Lila Archer?”

McKinley whipped her head around. “Wait, what? Lila Archer the actress?”

“Yeah,” replied JJ. “Lila was a stalking victim 12 years ago. Spence stayed at her house. She pulled him into her pool and they made out.”

“Oh, she’s very pretty. I imagine that must’ve been quite something!”

“Don’t forget all the working ladies who hit on him,” Emily added.

“And the bartender who flirted with him,” slurred Penny.

Spencer shook his head. “Women go for guys like Morgan or Alvez, not me.”

McKinley frowned. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d assume that right there is false modesty. It’s not though, and that makes me sad.”

“I’m weird.”

“Weird should be a compliment,” McKinley countered.

“I ramble a lot-”

“Some find it endearing.”

“-about things nobody’s interested in.”

“I’m interested…”

But Spencer wasn’t paying attention.

“My hair’s too long…”

“It suits you, Spencer.”

“I dress like an eighty-year-old man.”

McKinley scrunched her face in amusement. “Yeah, like I said the other day, I’m fairly certain the whole tenured professor look is their kink. Face it, Pretty Boy: yer eye candy.”

Spencer grimaced and hoisted himself up from his chair.

“No, don’t go!” McKinley pleaded, loosely grabbing his forearms. “We’ll stop now, right guys?”

“Of course.”

“Sure.”

“Fine, I’ll zip my perfect, rosy lips.”

Spencer eyed them warily before lowering himself back down. As he drained his glass, McKinley resumed her elbows-on-table pose, feigning innocence.

“I do have one question for you though, Doctor.”

He arched an eyebrow. “What might that be?”

McKinley fiddled with his tie, unknotting it. “I’m worried about my grade in your class. T-t-t-teacher, can you see me after school?”

Spencer sputtered, blushing furiously, then jerked his tie out of her hand and stormed off as dignified as possible.

“I think of all the education that I missed,” she called after him, gesturing for the others to join her. They chorused, “But then my homework was never quite like this!”

They all dissolved into fits of laughter, although McKinley’s quickly dissipated.

“Shit, he’s my ride home. That’s gonna be awkward.”

Emily cleared her throat. “So, how long have you been in love with Reid?”

“I – what?” McKinley squeaked. “I’m not in love with Spencer! What gave you that idea?”

“That show you put on just now. Plus, I saw you two on my porch the other day. I have security cameras…with audio,” Emily admitted.

“Anyway, you’ve looked at each other differently for a while now. You act differently towards each other too. Maybe bringing up the lecture is your subconscious telling you that you two have evolved beyond friendship.”

McKinley shook her head. “Emily, we haven’t known each other long enough for that.”

“Granted, five months is fast,” said Tara, who’d slid into the table unnoticed, “but you’ve spent a lot of his sabbatical and regular time outside work together. Simply put? The quality of your and his friendship could well outweigh the length.”

“And the way you talked about those students?” JJ added. “You called them shrieking harpies and you sounded ready to rip them apart. I mean, I believe that they drooled over Spence, but you laid it on kind of thick. Was it all about keeping him safe, or was it also you telling them to back off?”

That had McKinley stumped. She remembered silently mocking the girls’ behavior, and how she smugly whispered, “It’s never gonna happen,” effectively saying Spencer was out of their league. What stood out the most was how she stared them down as she linked arms with him, deriving satisfaction from their…jealousy?

“Did I deliberately taunt them?” McKinley wondered to herself.

She recalled a sensation of hackles raising. There was no polite way to word it.

“I was marking my territory.”

McKinley had a sudden desire to take a shower.

Her feelings had undoubtedly shifted, but she had no frame of reference for them. And that frightened her.

She switched tactics. “Don’t forget that I’m aroace, guys. I don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction.”

Garcia popped up from her phone, where she’d been hunting down the ‘perfect first date venue.’ “You talk a lot about how sexy and pretty guys are, though. I’ve caught you staring at many a tuchus. What’s that about?” she winked.

McKinley cut eyes at her. “I’m asexual, Penny, not blind. I admired the Venus de Milo too, but I didn’t wanna hump it either.”

“Y’know, I used to identify as bi,” Penelope replied. “I was in my late twenties before I knew that I’m pan. It’s only for you to say but, it might be worth considering demi identities.”

That struck a chord with McKinley. It would require a lot of unpacking her emotions, but it was definitely worth considering.

…

Spencer stole glimpses at McKinley as he drove her home. She was drumming a beat on the armrest. He chuckled; she always did that while deep in thought.

Stopping at a light pulled her from her reverie. “Thank you for driving me home,” she said rather meekly.

“You’re welcome. Never take Uber or Lyft.” He coughed nervously. “You know, because it’s not the safest mode of transportation. Half of our cases start that way,” he joked.

McKinley grinned. “You’re an absolute prince for doing this, especially since I’m a rotten friend.”

Spencer’s jaw dropped. “No, you’re not! Is this about the lecture? Because it’s nothing the team hasn’t teased me about before.”

“Yeah, but I shoulda known they’d take the piss,” she whined, kicking her legs grumpily, “and I went too far with the song. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I forgive you,” he assured her as he stepped on the gas. “Although, I’d like to point out that I’ve never once brought up the men who hit on you at bars.”

“True,” McKinley breathed, playing with a loose thread on her blouse. “But that seems to have died down at O’Keeffe’s recently.”

Spencer pressed his lips together, eyes fixed on the road. She eyed him suspiciously.

“You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?” she prodded him.

“Think fast.”

“It’s probably the team’s presence. Most of the regulars know who we are.”

Fortunately, she accepted his suggestion. “Yeah, that’s feasible.”

“Truth is I shoved my credentials in their faces once or twice,”he confessed silently.

“When that doesn’t work, I step between you and them while flashing my revolver, but I’m not owning up to any of that.”

Spencer parked in Taylor and Jaime’s driveway and walked McKinley to her tiny house in the backyard. Boogie bolted out to greet them, tail wagging vigorously.

At her door, she twisted around for a final goodnight, surprised to find Spencer standing so near. He raised his hand and combed his fingers through her hair.

“Cherry blossom,” he explained, showing the pale pink flower in his hand. Spencer reached up again, brushing hair out of her eyes, lingering this time.

McKinley found herself tilting her head into his hand.

“Please don’t stop playing with my hair. Is this what he feels when I play with his? Am I blushing? Is he blushing? What’s that look he’s giving me? Affection? Is that how I look at him? I wish he’d say something. I should say something, but I can’t speak. My heart’s pounding. What’s wrong with me? I never have trouble talking to Spencer. How can someone make me flustered and relaxed at the same time?”

Spencer moved even closer. “Ley, I was wondering -”

“Bork!”

They sprang apart, the spell broken, to see Boogie dancing impatiently. He jumped, placing his paws on Spencer’s thighs.

“Hey buddy, I’m not ignoring you,” he promised as he scratched the dog’s ears.

Satisfied, Boogie pushed open the door and stared expectantly at McKinley.

Spencer retreated down the stairs. “I should be going. Good night, Ley,” he said, the slightest note of disappointment in his voice.

“Night, Spencer. Text me when you get home?”

“Always,” he smiled up at her, stepping backwards towards the fence and through the gate.

—–

@illegalcerebral @dreatine @cynbx @cmbingo

Weddings were supposed to be happy and Rossi’s had all the semblance of a celebration of love as long as you didn’t look too closely at the details. Firstly it was just Lisa’s conspicuous absence and Luke’s feeble cover up that Elle noticed. That was nothing compared to JJ’s obvious discomfort. There was a tight smile on her face all night that threatened to curdle into a grimace. She flinched when Will took her hand and she constantly fidgeted like she was desperate to get up and flee the room Cinderella style.

“Is she okay?” Elle whispered to Spencer, making him jump.

“Who?”

“JJ. She looks…distracted and she’s been avoiding everyone”

“Everyone?” Spencer echoed. Elle gave a small shrug.

“Well she spoke a little to Rossi and Krystall and she was with Emily and Tara earlier though I think they approached her. She hasn’t even spoken to you all day and whenever Will touches her or speaks to her she seems really uncomfortable”

“Our last case was hard” Spencer said. There was tightness to his voice that made Elle study him more closely. He was tired but also sad, and that intensified during Emily’s speech about twin flames. Elle laced her fingers in his, her thumb brushing the back of his hand. He glanced up at her and some of the melancholy seemed to dissipate when Elle mouthed ‘I love you’. He whispered it back like a prayer but his eyes were glassy. He turned back to Emily and that’s when Elle locked eyes with JJ who looked away just as quickly. Something in Elle’s stomach twisted, a sour taste coated her tongue as she tried to decipher the expression on JJ’s face. Was it jealousy? Resentment? Longing?

It stuck with Elle the whole night, even as she and Spencer danced, when Luke refilled everyone’s glasses as Garcia regaled them with a story and especially when she saw Spencer and JJ whispering by the bar before the cake was cut.

“Don’t be that woman” Elle whispered to herself. It looked like Spencer was trying to reassure JJ about something. From the tears threatening to spring from JJ’s eyes Elle didn’t think it was working. Then Spencer asked a question and JJ didn’t answer. Her lips parted but she looked everywhere but Spencer’s face. He nodded; expression blank and then hurried back to Elle with two glasses of wine.

“You never drink”

“Tonight’s a special occasion,” said Spencer, “To love”

“To love” Luke bellowed from behind them and the rest of the room joined in.

“To love” Elle echoed, wishing she could ignore the hollow feeling in her chest.

Long ago Elle had resolved to be the kind of person who didn’t let things bubble under the surface but this was completely different; she had no idea how to approach the subject. Two weeks after the wedding, when she felt things had percolated long enough, Elle dropped the girls with Charlie and texted Spencer she was ordering takeout for them. Then she waited.

“I thought Charlie was taking the girls next weekend,” Spencer said with a frowned as he kissed Elle that night.

“I asked him if we could jiggle stuff around” said Elle gesturing to the sofa “I think we need to talk”. Once a profiler always a profiler, Elle thought grimly as she took in the slight quiver of Spencer’s lip, his wide eyes, and the blood draining from his face. It was like sirens and lights to her. At least he didn’t try and pretend nothing was wrong.

“I…I wasn’t sure if I should say something” he mumbled, “The last thing I want is to hurt you”

“Keeping secrets hurts me,” Elle said. Her voice was thicker than she meant for it to be.  Pushing any emotion down she continued “Honestly it’s worse trying to guess what’s going on with you and not knowing how worried I should be”

“I don’t really know how to start” Spencer ran his hands through his hair.

“Maybe the beginning?”

To her surprise Spencer launched into a detailed run down of the case just before Rossi’s wedding. Elle listened, with a dry mouth and a pounding heart as he explained about the unsub’s motivations and how everything had come to a head with Spencer and JJ tied up and staring down the barrel of a gun.

“You should have told me Spencer!” Elle said. “I should know that that you were taken hostage”

“He wanted to play truth or dare” Spencer screwed his eyes shut “The judge wouldn’t so JJ volunteered”

There it was, the crux of whatever was bothering Spencer. The hostage situation meant nothing in comparison to whatever had come out of this sick game.

“Spencer…”

“For a moment I thought we were gonna die” he said softly “I kept seeing you and the girls and I was terrified I was never going to see you again. You need to know that. If he’d killed me the last thing I would have thought of was you. JJ picked truth and the unsub wanted to know her deepest secret or he was going to shoot me”

“What did she say?”

Spencer swallowed, a tear rolled down his cheek.

“She said she loved me. She said she’s always loved me but could never tell me and now things are too complicated”

The silence that followed crackled with electricity. Elle’s head was flooded with white noise as any semblance of a coherent thought slipped from her grasp. JJ. Love. Always. JJ. Love. Spencer. Complicated. The words clashed like mismatched puzzle pieces, nothing fit together in a way that made sense.

“Elle please say something”

“Do you…do you?” Do you feel the same? Elle wanted to ask but she couldn’t bring herself to say the words if there was even the tiniest chance of the answer being yes. Spencer frowned and then realisation struck like lightning and in one swift motion he pulled Elle close, burying his face in her hair as she flung her arms around his neck.

“Oh no, Elle, no” he murmured, kissing her temple “You know that I don’t feel that way about anyone except you”

“I know” Elle sniffed, “I know but for a split second I thought that’s why you were upset”

When Spencer pulled back it was with slumped shoulders, like the weight of everything was bearing down on him.

“I don’t know what to do. At the wedding I asked if she meant it and she didn’t give me a straight answer. JJ is going out of her way to avoid me, I’m positive she asked Emily not to pair us up in the field and she never says more than two words to me if she can help it”

Elle bit her lip. Several thoughts were competing for dominance in her head right then. The first was the certainty that if it came to it she could take JJ in a fight. Yeah she may have gone away and gotten Justice Department ninja training or whatever but Elle had spent her childhood picking fights with kids twice her size in Brooklyn and she wasn’t afraid to fight dirty. The second was resentment that the tentative friendship building between the two women since Spencer’s shooting was irreparably damaged. Thirdly there was pure disbelief that JJ of all people would jeopardise her marriage or risk hurting her children. Just when Elle thought she was going to explode from it all Spencer’s voice broke through her thoughts and all that was left was anguish at seeing the man she loved so in pain.

“I think I lost my best friend”

Elle pulled him back, pressing kisses over the tears that coated his cheeks. It cut deep to see him that way.

“You don’t know that” Elle whispered gently, “Maybe there’s a logical explanation”

“What possible explanation could there be? And even if it is true why did she think that was the time and the place to tell me? “ Spencer balled his hands into fists, “And now she’s completely cut herself off and I feel like it’s my fault and I haven’t even done anything. The whole team knows, it’s obvious and it’s just…”

“Just what”

“It’s unfair Elle. It feels childish to say that but it’s how I feel” Spencer’s fists unclenched and he just looked wretched again. Elle pulled him close once more and he rested his head on her shoulder. There were no words of advice she could summon up, nothing she could say to make it all better. They spent the night tangled up in the same position on the sofa. Spencer eventually drifted off to sleep with Elle carding her fingers through his hair. For her sleep wouldn’t come, instead she desperately turned the situation over and over and over in her mind, willing a solution to present itself.

 Will looked at Elle in confusion as she stood on his doorstep with a beaming smile on her face.

“Sorry, JJ didn’t say anything about brunch” he said “Hey JJ!”

“Will what-Elle?” Considering the circumstances Elle didn’t feel even slightly guilty at the look of apprehension that flashed over JJ’s face. It was quickly replaced by a calm mask, “What are you doing here?”

“Brunch” Elle frowned “Oh don’t tell me I got the dates mixed up. Spencer told me to double check the calendar before I left”

“Spencer”

“Yep” Elle smiled popping the ‘p’. She could practically hear the cogs in JJ’s brain whirring at break neck speed.

“No, you’re right…I just forgot. I’m really sorry, can we do it another time. We’re supposed to go grocery shopping and-“

“No!” Will protested, “You guys go have fun. I can handle shopping”

“Will”

“It’s been a full on couple of weeks” he said, kissing her on the cheek “You deserve to have a little r and r”

“Thanks babe” JJ said weakly. Within a few minutes she had grabbed her bag and the two of them were wandering down the street to a little café near JJ’s house in tense silence.

“They do really good doughnuts” JJ said in a faint voice as they lined up to order.

“I’ll have a pot of Chai please and could I get a non-fat latte for my friend. One sugar.”

“You know my coffee order?”

Elle shrugged.

“I pick stuff up. Want a doughnut? I’m getting a bakewell slice”

The whole time they were getting settled, JJ kept sneaking glances Elle’s way and Elle was very familiar with the sensation of being profiled.

“So” she began smoothly. JJ didn’t speak. Clever, she had no idea how much Elle knew and she couldn’t work out Elle’s feelings right now. “Okay, I’m just going to cut right too it. I know what you did.”

“What I did?” JJ repeated.

“I’m not…well I am mad to be totally honest with you but I’m trying to put that to one side because Spencer is hurting right now and I want to do everything in power to fix that”

That was it that was her way in. JJ’s face went slack with grief as Elle leaned forward.

“Is he…is he really upset?”

“He thinks he’s lost his best friend and he feels like he’s done something wrong. You and I both know he hasn’t so spill”

“It’s complicated Elle”

“You told him you’ve always loved him! Fuck yeah it’s complicated but only because you made it that way”

“Shhh” JJ hissed “Will and I bring the boys in here all the time”

“Oh so now you’re worried about your kids”

“Elle” JJ’s eyes flashed with anger “Don’t go bringing my kids into this. This is my mistake, not theirs”

“So it is a mistake. You were lying?”

No, the look of shame on JJ’s face was all the proof Elle needed that, if nothing else, JJ was telling the truth. Something hot and unpleasant twisted in the pit of her stomach and she had to look away.

“I’m sorry” JJ mumbled.

“Yeah I bet” Elle said, the edges of her vision blurring.

“I am! I thought the feelings would go away someday but they never did and then we were going to die.”

“It’s not like that was new for you”

“But after everything that’s happened over the last few years, prison and Barnes and the shooting then the abduction, it just…it just came out. I never intended him to know, I swear to god. I never said it to try and start something with him. I know…I know he doesn’t see me like that”

A small sliver of relief rippled through Elle, weak but there nonetheless.

“So you don’t want to divorce Will and run off with Spencer?”

“No! It’s different. Its kind of a ‘what could have been’. We were always close you know? It took me a long time to realise that we were interpreting that closeness in different ways”

“You assumed he had feelings for you?” Elle didn’t mean for it to come out so acidly and she felt bad when JJ flinched at the suggestion.

“No” JJ lied, “I misread the situation, and then there was Atlanta”

After all these years JJ still blamed herself for Spencer’s abduction and the torture and addiction that followed, Elle realised.

“I wanted to save him but he pushed me away. He pushed all of us away and then I met Will. I think that was the start. That was when I realised that Spencer had never thought about me in a romantic way and it would never work out and I moved on and I had something wonderful. But it was always there, that possibility in the back of my mind. There were times when I imagined what could have been. The times when things weren’t going so well at home I would let myself pretend a little and then I would lock it away when things got better. Oh God that sounds horrible doesn’t it? I am the worst fucking person in the world”

“It sounds human” Elle admitted grudgingly. God she wanted to hate JJ more than anything. It would make it all so much easier. “What you do next will determine if you’re the worst person in the world”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do” JJ sighed, “I hate the fact that I’ve hurt him. Regardless of anything else he’s my best friend and he has been through so much”

“Honestly I didn’t have much of a plan beyond luring you here under false pretences to find out what’s going on” Elle said, sipping her tea “But one thing I do know is that you need to make things right with Spencer because you’re absolutely right. He’s been through enough.”

“I will” JJ nodded her head furiously “I just need a little time to work out how to do that”

“Can I ask you something? It’s a genuine question; I’m not starting a fight here”

“Sure”

“Is part of the reason you told Spencer now because he’s happy?”

JJ blinked, she struggled to find the words.

“I’m not saying you’re jealous,” Elle said, though that was front and centre in her mind. Part of JJ’s control issues was a tendency to mother everyone and Elle knew the emotional fallout that could come from a child no longer needing its mother and flying the nest. “Maybe it just felt like a safe time?”

“I…” JJ stared down into her coffee cup “I hadn’t thought of it that way. I wasn’t the most supportive person when I found out you two were together”

“Understatement”

“But I am glad” JJ said, “I swear. He deserves every happiness”

“I believe you” Elle’s expression softened “I know you’ve been supportive since the shooting. I also know it’s possible to feel different things at once”

Not that Elle had ever spoken about it but when Charlie and Bethenny had gotten married there had been a tiny part of her that had felt sad. Not because Charlie had fallen in love with someone else, they had never been compatible in that way, but because for the longest time she had been the person he had gone to for advice and support. Elle was his rock and it had been nice to give that to someone, it made her feel strong. It was only afterwards that Elle realised how freeing it was not to feel like that anymore. The sadness she felt was for a period of her life that had come to an end, after that she was a new person and so was Charlie. They were both so much happier after they broke up and met new people but more importantly they had been able to grow and thrive.

“I don’t know what you should do either” Elle said, moving the conversation back. JJ had to come to her own revelation unprompted. “But I know you can’t take too long. At the very least you need to talk to him now. Be honest, say things are complicated and that you need time”

“He’ll understand?”

“He’s the most understanding person I know,” said Elle “And he loves you dearly” Not in the way you want, Elle didn’t add. The anger from earlier had subsided and Elle couldn’t stomach kicking JJ when she was down.

“Thank you” JJ wiped her eyes with her sleeve “You were far nicer than I would have been”

Elle didn’t say anything, she just smiled as JJ gathered her bag and walked home. She cut a slightly sad figure as she headed round the corner. Things were by no means settled and Elle still wasn’t sure she had done the right thing. All she knew is that she couldn’t let Spencer stew. The not knowing would drive him crazy.

Back at home Spencer was reading, or at least he had been before falling asleep on the sofa, one arm flung behind his head. Elle smiled down at him, he looked far calmer, and content than when she had left that morning. Perhaps JJ had called. Being careful not to wake him, Elle gently laid a blanket over him and then settled down in the opposite chair ready for when he woke.

Spencer had grown to like this bar, not because of the time he spent people watching, but because the unsubstantiated way time seemed to slow around them. She would raise her eyebrows and he would grin like the exuberant nerd that he was and everything just clicked. He needed the reassurance of her deep glare tonight. Needed to be seen and heard while feeling the quick beat of his heart as their connection scorched through his veins.

Yet, there was that tiny doubt perched in the back of his mind, that she wouldn’t remember or chose to forget. He would simply finish his drink and take the train home, no harm no foul. But the well worn scars of rejection and humiliation were not so easily silenced inside the caverns of his mind. She was always the last to arrive, by agreement and temperament. He needn’t worry so hastily. Probably.

She gave him off the cuff instructions in a brusque tone. Quickly he had given up asking questions, instead repeating her statements as if reciting the last article he had read. She smiled when he gave her a breathy send off, the nervous energy she had been fighting all day had earned her a head full of bubbles. Perhaps that had been the bourbon. Either way, she had a destination. She left her car along the curb and walked to the nearest train station, needing to give him time to catch up.

When she spotted him an hour later, carefully checking his watch and drumming his fingers along his thigh she had to bite back a chuckle. Gosh he was such a mix of smarts and vulnerability and somehow, this gangly guy had saved her ass. The match had been struck: it was either time to light a fire or burn herself holding her breath. Elle marched to the center booth on the far wall where Spencer squinted behind glasses she hadn’t realized he needed.

She arrived in a rush, throwing her bag on the spare chair closest to the aisle. She leaned in and slipped her hand into his on his lap. The world floated into peripheral blotches of color and movement. She had chosen to show up and he had chosen to hold on, together anything was possible.