#cloudy vent

Major Chord. All strings create one instrument together.

Art my subsystem and I made. It’s a vent piece, and it does have meaning. However that’s personal to us, so I’m not explaining. I figured we may as well post it though instead of just letting it sit in our files. -Clef

[Don’t tag as kin/ID/me] 

The other system comic we made today thats partially vent partially funny [and ig our medical diagnosis reveal]

Also a disclaimer the only reason we saw them post something like that is bc shortly after we blocked them we paranoidly checked their posts on an alt after they told our current partner they had "dirt on us" to "ruin our life" and we were afraid theyd post lies about us. In hindsight it was not healthy of us to go peeking, and its been a long while now with the alt deleted. We know now whether they say something about us or not is on them, and true friends will believe our side and the truth. We genuinely don't know what they could possibly have on us but it ate at us for awhile, hence the paranoid peeking. I can confidently say we're better than that now especially with working through the trauma they caused us in therapy.

This is very vulnerable of us to admit especially knowing the pain they caused us. And knowing we consistently deal with paranoid thoughts of them stalking us to this day despite having cut contact over a year ago I think?

Overall this is meant to be a lighthearted take on what I immediately thought after remembering what they said about us. Knowing they scared us out of a diagnosis while with them, them "setting a boundary to not talk about getting medically diagnosed", them talking about breaking up with us over mentioning we told our doctor about our system and our doctor had given slight confirmation that its "likely a possibility we could have DID" due to our medical/trauma history. The result being us never reaching out to professionals again while with them out of fear they'd leave us if we did.

And now this year after contacting over 15 places with no luck we've been speaking to a psychologist who's medically diagnosed us with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

It feels like back then. It feels like Niwa. It feels like that child. It feels like pouring my complete love and trust into someone who's become dear to be only for them to be ripped away

Here I am again. With a gaping hole left by the absence of someone I called friend

Hurt. Ashamed. Abandoned. Guilt. Regret. Devastated. Agony. Hate, towards myself. Grief. Fear. Mourning. Heartbroken [how ironic], It's white and hot, burning through my skull.

Please come back

I'm sorry

🐈‍⬛ hasn't stopped crying since last night. ❄️'s been there with him the whole time. His grief is reverberating throughout the entire headspace and into me in front.

I've been nauseous all day because of the emotional bleed-over and sdfhjdkgl it sUcks. Only slept in 2 hour increments, waking up for good at 5AM

It hurts really bad, seeing him like this. Nothing's been going right for him lately. He's really going through it

That was like. The worst news we ever could have gotten, especially in these times 😭 We're already going through so much

Some positive vent art from last night

[Personal art]

Why do we have to ruin nearly every relationship we love

I hate being autistic. I hate having C-PSTD. I hate not being able to navigate social rules. I hate how our fear of abandonment is debilitating our lives and causes the exact thing we're most scared of. I hate how we don't know we're hurting people until it's too late. I hate how we don't act rationally when we perceive any sort of abandonment or neglect. It's all our fault.

Why do we have to ruin everything. We loved them. Still do. Now we can do nothing but love them from a distance and hate ourselves in a chokehold because we, I, was stupid and a coward.

Now because of me Basil has lost his light; haven't seen him smile in weeks. Because of me I took away so many of our headmates' only friends.