#cloudsvents

A few months ago, I told my parents that I was thinking about having a kid in the future. I had always been on the fence about having kids. I don't like kids, I think they're germy and annoying and I don't think I'd make a good parent and the last thing I'd want is for this hypothetical child to go into the foster system.

Anyway, fast forward to now, mom's concerned about my age and saying how I still had time to have a kid and my dad says "if she even still wants one" and mom looks at me with a disappointed face when I agreed with my dad. I told her I was still thinking about it, but I wasn't so sure. She claims that I'll fall in love with my baby. But what if I don't? What if I feel nothing?

We get home and dad's on my side. He says it's my choice. Having a child is a lifelong commitment. I have to do what's best for me. I was shocked he saw my side.

My mom, on the other hand...she's disappointed, she seems brokenhearted. She's spouting on about how it was always her dream to have her and my dad's offspring have an offspring and then that baby have another and have this big legacy. My heart sunk. It felt like the same scenario when I took a semester off of college and she told me she broke down and sobbed because that wasn't the plan she had for me. She said she wished I'd never told her I was thinking of having a kid. Which I guess fair. She wouldn't have gotten her hopes up had I not mentioned anything.

I think it all comes down to fear. I still don't plan on dating and marrying anyone, I'd be a single parent. My parents would be helping a lot, though. Prices are constantly going up for everything. I'm still anxious about making phone calls. I just...I don't feel like I'm responsible or ready. I don't know if I'll fall in love with my baby once their born. There's too many things I don't know and it's not like I can do it and then say "never mind"

So, for some context, I used to have a job years ago where I was answering phones and working with this person that would yell at me/get mad at me whenever I made a mistake. It got so bad that one day I went to the bathroom to cry and I would feel anxious about going to this job so I left.

Now fast forward to today and I'm hanging out with my parents and we go to the same place to pay stuff and walk out having a discussion about how "you're fearfully and wonderfully made by God" and "the lady saw the anointance on me and was jealous" and that I shouldn't have let her get under my skin and I need to toughen up.

And I get it, I'm a sensitive bean, but does quoting scripture mean I'm not allowed to have feelings? Like, being yelled at for not giving someone their receipt and then apologizing for it and that clearly not being enough "Oh, toughen up, God's got it"

Like, okay? But it still hurts? It's still not right? Wtf are you on about?