#cloud (oc)

I tried for these past decades of my life trying to fit in, faking personalities and pretending to be interested by things that I thought were popular enough to might make me seen as.. somebody, I guess. All I knew at the time was that I didn't want to be alone like I've usually felt. Even when I had my "five minutes of fame" with people I thought were my friends, though, I still was left feeling empty in the end. It became a sort of gluttonous habit to do things to appease other people rather than giving myself any grace or minute of self-reflection, just to feel accepted. And whenever I did think upon it, I genuinely remembered believing that I would rather be felt seen by these people rather than focus on improving myself as a person. Most of all, I've let everyone, "friends" AND family, walk all over me for the sake of not seeming the least bit undesirable, as well of maintaining my own safe space.

It's been years since I've forcibly been split off from that mentality. No matter how much it'd hurt to change - and it still lingers today - whether it was God's plan or by the luck of circumstance, I'm thankful every day that I did, as I was left to face myself again. And my first thought, when I WAS left alone once again (or it felt that way anyway), was that I had A LOT to work on myself.

Funnily enough, too, I could never nail down the perfect persona to represent myself beforehand. But now that I feel able to express myself, I not only have one, but TWO.

These two sonas represent my true selves, I now believe: one full of whimsy and yearning for nostalgia (more inner), and the other a more reserved and "edgy", as well as interested in the morality of the world (more outer).

(You can also probably tell this based on the amount of detail, hehe.)

It's also true that I'm not 100% confident yet, but I cannot ignore the fact my progress has exceeded last year, and even more the year before that, etc. I've always heard the phrase, "Don't care about what others think about you", which is true, but how could I have done that without knowing who I really was and why I mattered to myself? Why keep making art when no one is there to give me validation?