#closingthechapter

This is me accepting that there may never be another vacation exploring a new city with you. There may never be another adventure, another weekend getaway or another romantic escapade with you. This is me savoring all those good times, all those good memories and cherishing every minute of them because they may be all I’ve got right now. This is me realizing that every place we went to, every corner we walked in may never feel the same again. This is me accepting that even if the lights are on, some places will always be dark to me, because it was once linked to you or linked to us.

This is me accepting that this is where it all ends. This is me realizing that maybe we got too carried away and lived a lie we so badly wanted to believe. This is me accepting that we’re better off with other people.

This is me realizing that there may never be another chance with you. This is me accepting that there may never be a happy ending with us. This is me accepting that this may be the end of our story; with no plot twists, no climax, no sequel. But this also me not giving up on happy endings, not giving up on love, not giving up on hope, not giving up on fairytales, but I’m accepting that they may just never be with you.

This is me accepting that this new chapter I’m writing will not have your name or your story or any reference of you. This is me accepting that you may not be my favorite chapter after all. This is me realizing that I may write about you one more time, but I may never write about us again.

& i’m not quite sure what it means nor am I really trying to analyze it, I think I understand the jist of it.

 We were actually around your neighborhood and you had a backpack (all your baggage you’re carrying around) and I was alone, I think but also feel like I was talking to someone walking along side with me I just can’t picture their face. We were on opposite ends of the street so we walked by each other but neither one of us spoke to each other but we did make eye contact. As i’m writing this I remember just looking up at you and I think we were both crying but we never said a word i’m not even sure if we were holding each other or not. These dreams always feel so real it’s actually pretty shocking to wake up and realize it was all a dream. 

I know you’re watch this blog because you accidentally followed me and I know you’re still watching the last few videos I have posted. I am allowing you to have access to me through screens never in real life again. I just can’t. I used to pray for you to try to come back in my life but regardless of relationship status you stopped being good to me and for me in 2016. Looking back I know I was an immature spoiled brat who was not quite in touch with reality and knew nothing of how a good functioning relationship should be, I very much enjoyed the games and the chase I can admit that to myself and you.

For whatever it’s worth i’m sorry. truly. 

Anthony finally came home yesterday after 5 months and 3 days of not seeing him but he’s grown mentally and couldn’t be prouder. 

Yesterday was also my first day of taking paying clients at work. 6 days of intense training and I am beyond excited to be back on the Westside, making great money, and doing what I love. I’ve blocked L. out but it’s funny the way that works because I remember waking up and saying “what the fuck” I had a dream about him and it felt so real! I remember hugging him and smelling him standing on my tippy toes and running my hands through his hair. Typing this even brings tears to my eyes, and i’m not sure why. I hate him but I still have love for him so it’s this weird complex middle ground. It was weirder because it was like present day. I was going to work and it was my first day and you offered to take me and that’s why I hugged you. 

25 days to go.  Just less than a month.

Whoa.

And in that 25 days, I plan to do something big.  

I’m finishing a set of song lyrics/poems that have been in the works for the past six years, and I’m posting them to my social media.  It’s time to complete what should have been done a long time ago.

Six years ago, I broke up with my (then) best friend to be with someone else.  It was a stupid mistake and I realized it pretty soon after.  We remained friends for three more years, but I always regretted what I did.

I wrote the song lyrics and poems to help me put into words how I felt, with the end result being to publish them and make my “sin’ known to the world.  My sins, and his to a degree.  Both of us had something to be blamed for.

A couple Sundays ago, we were asked to think about someone who has wronged us.  How could we repair the damage that was done, and learn to forgive and be forgiven?

Talking with Florizel and revisiting this old project made me see that I needed to forgive him for the aftermath of my actions.  In turn, I just realized, I need to ask forgiveness of him.

I think he has already forgiven me, seeing as we remained friends for awhile after the breakup.  But I think I could take it a step beyond that.

I’m already on step 3: take it to the church, only I’m expanding it to the whole of my social friends.  This is a penance that I need to share with them, especially with Florizel (who already knows the whole story).

Why do I feel this needs to happen?  Why can’t I just be content with writing the pieces and keeping them for me?  Because it needs to be shared.  It’s a story that very few know about and I believe needs to be told.

In a way, part of me wants to out my former friend for his vile ways, but the focal point of this is forgiveness on both sides. 

Once it’s complete, it will reflect an entire story about how we broke up, still stayed friends, tried to convince our SOs that everything was okay, to him disappearing and finally cutting us off for good.  A song/poem cycle of sorts.

Once it’s posted, the truth will be out there, and a chapter of my life can finally be closed.  

It seems like a small thing, even Florizel didn’t understand at first why I wrote them.  It’s a very personal thing, and it will be the last bit of unfinished business that needs to be tended to before I get married.

Another question that may come to mind is “Why worry about a relationship gone sour NOW?”  This has been a long journey for me to get over a dear friendship, and now I’m in a stable enough place to finally let that side go.  I won’t name names, only post what I have written.  It benefits no one but me...and maybe it’s a little late to post these things now.

I have long sought to forgive and be forgiven.  Forgiveness has not been easy to give to this person, and now...I feel I can talk about this story and publicly confess a wrong-doing I did long ago.  Again, I opened up about this to Florizel and he understands what I want to do.

And to that friend...if you do read it, I hope you can forgive me.  The Lord’s Prayer says “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”  I’ve forgiven others that have wronged me, and you are the only one I have not done this to.

I hope that my writings give you a perspective to what I went through, and I acknowledge that I have also done wrong.  I forgive you.  And with these writings, I hope to show the extent of my repentance and penance.

I have my theories as to why you cut me off, but I can respect why you did it.  It wasn’t right, but you did what you felt was necessary in the moment.  It’s been over three years and it’s time to close that chapter of my life.  

”I chose and my world was shaken. So what? The choice may have been mistaken, The choosing was not.” “No more memories, no more silent tears, No more gazing across the wasted years. Help me say goodbye.”

Final Banquet. A full circle back at the place we started.

To conclude, it is clear social media has taken a huge hold on on our modern day society. With state of the art iPhones becoming a common thing to find in the hand of a child, it is no wonder the younger generation especially are finding it hard to go five minutes without refreshing their Twitter feed or Facebooking their friends. Whether this will get steadily worse is difficult to say, as it depends on what our generation decide to do when raising our children. By then I dread to think how far technology will have came; the idea alone is hard for me to fathom. We can only hope that this social networking craze will die down as time goes on, otherwise the traditional methods of hanging out with friends, meeting new ones, and a general social lifestyle will have been overthrown by a keypad. And, like the end of that chapter (which I hope doesn't become a reality), my one has ended here. Thanks for reading!

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