#climbingout

You are so nice to take time for me. To think of me like that. I don’t have much appreciation for “faith” as it’s just another word for the thing that finally let my horrible self take over and ruin my life. Its just another way to deny reality, to lie to yourself (which is what has let me do things I know are wrong and still “exist” afterward). But you caring at all means a lot.

I don’t think my “relapses” count as the bumps on the road to recovery that some relapses are. I don’t have a good enough plan/ system/ approach to recovery to be able to do that yet. But I’m fighting my stupid fat worthless ass off to not give up n to figure a way out.

And funny you should say that because since starting this ” recovery attempt ” every time I fall back/see the truth again after a “good’ day/days it is so much worse than before. So intense i honestly can’t tell you how I’m still here. (to whatever degree)

That’s why it got to this point where I just can’t do it.

Anyway, thank you for the message and the caring and i hope I prove your faith well gambled.

Maybe 'confidence' is more the word, but it's ok. I hope you draw any amount of strength knowing that there's someone else who has a belief that you can pull through; if it does, I feel the effort is worth it. I don't feel that my faith - in this, at the least - is a lie, a blinder or anything so negative; I can look through it to see clearly, but at the same time, I use it as my torch in the darkness, if nothing else, it lends me clarity that I wouldn't have otherwise. I care because it's how I stop myself from going insane, I care because if I didn't I'd never sleep knowing that sometimes all someone needs to survive is a kind word, and I can so easily give that and more.

You seem to have a desire. While it's not as concrete as a plan, it's still the first step on the road to success, and it means that in some small way, you're recovering; relapses happen, pick yourself up and move on. As for "stupid fat worthless", I'm not say as I can speak to the veracity of that characterization on the first two counts - you seem to be eloquent, so I doubt you're stupid, and I'm not sure about fat, but getting in shape just takes a bit of effort - but you are assuredly not useless. I know plenty of useless people. I work with them, I'm friends with some, and I regularly find myself having to talk to them, they pervade my life with a degree of tenacity that I find unbearable; I know the type well, and you don't fit the bill. You seem like a dear, broken thing that deserves to be loved and helped to get better, to be given a real opportunity to be great - but until you get that, you aren't automatically useless, just lacking in opportunity.

The 'truth' you speak of... it's not the truth. It's the whispers of your demons, it's the dark parts of your mind trying to feed, and it. is. not. the. truth.

"If a man thinks he is not conceited, his is very conceited indeed."

This is nearly an axiomatic mechanism of psychological states - the most damaged people are the ones who think they're normal, the most in need (and deserving) of being loved and treated with kindness are the ones who think they're worthless and undeserving, and the most violent and dangerous are the ones who see nothing wrong with what they do. One might argue that one can acknowledge one's damage and still be damaged, but as anyone in therapy knows: one of the hardest blocks to overcome is the initial acceptance of a problem; this doesn't make you inherently normal - the axiom doesn't work in reverse - but it means you're closer than you were.

The danger in this truth is that the truly afflicted won't acknowledge it most of the time, and thus will never take a step toward a better life. I understand the difficulty in it - being utterly convinced that you're a horrible, despicable person, and not be able to see beyond the immediate emotional reaction; I have a dear cousin with MPD who stabbed her brother in the arm because one of her frags didn't like how he was joking with her, and she felt horrible about it for the longest time (this was before her diagnosis, but even after, she took a long time to get past it). She did a bad thing, but she was not bad.

Conversely, there are plenty of people who have had bad things happen to them - physical, mental, or emotional abuse - who think that because they let that happen to them, or that they did something to deserve it, that they don't deserve to receive the same love, consideration or respect as someone else; this is the deepest of mistruths. They are not bad or defective, they are broken, because someone else broke them, and they had the strength to continue. They are all good people, who had very bad things happen to them.

"Sanity is madness put to good uses."

The only crazy people are the ones who think they're perfectly sane; Being afflicted doesn't make you a monster, it doesn't make you bad, it doesn't make you defective or irreparable and it doesn't make you less. It makes you unfortunate. It means that you have a burden worse than the average person, and it means that you've had the strength to make it this far. It means that you've been through hells that the average person will never walk, and you're still standing.

The only stupid people are the ones who never stop to wonder if they are; stupidity is begat by ignorance, one is not stupid by sheer dint of being, but by never reflecting on their actions.

My friends, and I say this with every ounce of love I can muster, you are amazing people. You are worth every photon of light this world can give you, literally and metaphorically, and it kills me to know that anyone could think otherwise, especially yourselves. Your demons may insist to the contrary, but you must not give into those whispers - contrition is the domain of the clean hand, and guilt that of the innocent mind.

Hi ! Been a while :p 

Favorite Song: Probably Mayday by The Icarus Account 

Favorite Lyric: Does the whole song count? idk lol

3 Favorite Bands: Marianas Trench, The Icarus Account, & Hedley