#clemmer

The way I operate, I put on a brave face as if nothing ever really bothers me, but now that just means I want to cry nearly every time I’m alone. Every day that goes by, I honestly wonder if I’m in love with LLDOA, but every day that goes by she’s more and more unavailable. What makes it all worse is that I know she still likes me - she’s told me that fact drunkenly a fair share of times. I just hope they’re really goddamn happy, because if all of this heartbreak was wasted on a throw-away and lackluster relationship, that would kill me even more.

Throughout high school, I was always unhappy being the gay one. I would tell people that I was bisexual in hopes that at least guys would give me some attention, but even when they did, I just wanted to be happy with an amazing girl and feel normal in my own skin for once. So I got to college after the summer I realized that I was lying to myself and that I was totally and completely gay, and I met this amazing girl. I even told myself coming in that I didn’t want any relationships at the start of the year, but this girl was beautiful and smart and talented and she liked me, and I knew I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. That first night that she kissed me, I thought I was going to explode. It was the first time I kissed a girl who was actually into girls, and it felt like my universe was just going to explode. I was so giddy after that. And we kept doing this - finding the constellations in each other’s eyes and creating new stars every time we touched and forging new galaxies every time we kissed. And then, we had sex. I’m not going into detail with that, but it was a pleasant shock for both of is since she admitted that after her relationships in the past, she told herself that she would only have sex with someone if only she truly loved them, but then she quickly clarified that even though at that point she wasn’t in love with me, whatever we had must have been so special for her not even to think twice about the thought of sleeping with me.

Time went on and I won’t bore y’all with the story of how we almost got officially together then decided to give it time, then how she got with my roommate shortly after that. So I was horribly sad and angry and lost after that happened, then eventually I met Clemmer. Now, Clemmer is gorgeous and passionate and warm and feels like home just as much as LLDOA, and I was so happy again. It was so good and blissful that it took me a long time to realize that it didn’t quite feel the same as LLDOA, and then when I realized that LLDOA was always in the back of my mind, I panicked. I just wanted to be with Clemmer, why was LLDOA still fucking with my mind?

Eventually Clemmer and I drifted apart, because I wasn’t able to allow myself to really pursue something really real with her since I knew it would be unfair because of my lingering feelings for LLDOA. Then, last week, I drunkenly slept with a third girl, but then I realized how screwed I was when I caught myself wishing I was with LLDOA instead. I want to be with Clemmer, goddamn it, but LLDOA is always in the back of my mind waiting to screw up my happiness.