#clausterphobic

She hates small spaces.

It’s summer in Redding, Ca and it’s hot. Like 106 degrees hot. I decided to go to the lake with a friend from work. I’m 37 and she’s 19. I’m hip though, young hearted, so it’s not weird. The difference in age is really just the difference in fear level. She told me she was going to take me to a place that’s secluded so we could bring our dogs and be away from the crowds. I wasn’t scared...yet. Her old mustang doesn't have any air conditioning so the dogs weren’t the only ones panting. When she pulled of the road and started down a dirt road I wasn’t too concerned. I’d been on roads like this before. I expected it to be a very short ride on the dirt road. When you suffer from panic disorder for as many years as I have, (22 years) you learn to imagine everything before it happens, just in case. When the road became rougher and way smaller I began to feel the familiar flush attack my skin. My heart began to speed up and jump with every ragged bump we went over. I immediately asked how far in this place was. She said “oh, not far....we just have to pass through this tunnel”....TUNNEL!!!!????? It was a tunnel that went under the highway and was more like a throughway for drainage. I gasped, “In your car??”. It didn’t look like we could fit through and the darkness immediately caught my eye. I exclaimed, “I’m really claustrophobic!”--Before I could jump out of my skin she was driving through the tunnel and out the other side. The other side opened up and I saw other cars parked. My skin was tingling, my hands were shaking, my breath was short and I was two seconds away from a full blown panic attack. I was trying to hide it, per usual--story of my life. I heard the splashing of water and the barking of dogs. I knew the water was near and that I could begin to calm down. There was a brief moment that I almost yelled, STOP, TURN AROUND! 

‘Everything was going great until the Dean said these words, “There’s going to be two thousand six hundred people that day...” I could feel my heart beating faster, the room getting smaller and my hands were sweating. 

This may be the title of a popular song about the taboo feelings a professor has for their student. But for me it goes for almost everyone; don’t stand so close to me.

Unless I am mentally prepared for, accepting of, and wanting your presence within a few feet of mine, then please get out of my bubble.

It is physically painful and repulsive to have you near me. I feel claustrophobic, vulnerable, and threatened.

Don’t get me wrong, I do care about you. I may even love you as a friend or family member. But if I am not prepared or wanting of your presence, I literally can not bare it.