#classicalschools

           The Norwegian Wood New Age Learning Centre (N.W.N.A.L.C.) news show "Out of the Woods" (O.otW.) was airing tomorrow and the entire crew was meeting in the reading room during lunch to watch the finished product.

           Priscilla had managed to snag the comfy couch and was sitting between Clarence and Mark. Lilly and Hannah were sharing the armchair with Mary on the armrest. Nicky had brought a metal foldout chair from the lunch room and Miss Guzzler, the faculty advisor, got the padded office chair, the kind that goes up and down and spins around.

           O.otW. only produced one show a semester, so it was a pretty big deal for the few students who actually watched it. It was originally going to air once a month but Lilly, the director, producer, editor, and head writer, couldn't direct, produce, edit, or write everything on time due to her narcolepsy. Ivan had attempted to start up a newspaper that would come out once a week for more current news, but it never actually happened, and when asked about it, Ivan denied ever having planned it. Priscilla was sure Lilly's mom was to blame for Ivan's unwillingness to proceed.

           “Everyone be quiet,” said Miss Guzzler as she turned the lights off and started the video. The modified "Across the Universe" jingle played and Lilly and Hannah jumped up and started square dancing.

           Hannah and Clarence appeared on the screen and Priscilla nudged her friend. Clarence let her tease and poke fun at him since he knew she was only on the crew because he begged her to sign up with him.

           "Good afternoon Norwegian Wood New Age Learning Centre students," TV Clarence said. He started to say something about a local food drive that by now was long over when TV Hannah interrupted him to talk about a sale at Target – also over – and what she was going to buy at it.

           Priscilla had told Miss Guzzler that making Hannah an anchor was a terrible idea, but Miss Guzzler – completely missing Priscilla's point – was determined to let each student have a chance to shine.

           "And now to Nicky with sports!" Clarence cut in when Hannah started talking about Canada’s Got Talent.

           Nicky appeared on the screen. He smoothed his hair down and pushed his glasses into place before talking about the curling team. He didn't play – he didn't even go to the games – but he knew every fact about the sport and had the game schedule memorized. He was talking about a tournament that was being held in a few weeks – the only really current news to be discussed on O.otW. But since the time of the filming, N.W.N.A.L.C.'s team had been disqualified from participation because Kevin had a failing grade in The Art of Window Box Gardening, and Ivan broke his fingers – all of them – and they no longer had enough people on the team.

           "Thanks Nicky!" Hannah's face appeared on the screen again, which startled poor Clarence and he grabbed Priscilla and screamed.

           Priscilla took Clarence's glasses off his face, cleaned them, and put them back. He stopped screaming and thanked Priscilla.

           Bless his heart, Priscilla thought. She smiled at him and gave his knee a pat.

           Suddenly a really choppy scene change interrupted Hannah mid impromptu Starbucks advertisement. Priscilla rolled her eyes and groaned when she realized what is was; Mary's puppet show.

           Mark, Clarence, and Priscilla all turned to look accusingly at Lilly who had promised to cut the bit, but she was leaning on Hannah's shoulder, asleep.

           Curse you, narcolepsy! Priscilla internally shook her fist.

           The puppet show was only on for a few seconds before it chopped back to Hannah and Clarence, thankfully skipping over Hannah's poem, "An Ode to the Coffee Bean."

           "And now to our field reporter, Priscilla," Hannah announced.

           Priscilla hid behind her hands as her face came into focus.

           "Can you see me?" TV Priscilla asked and the camera shook as Mark — her camera man — nodded.

           Priscilla's "field reporting" consisted of her asking random students a question decided by Lilly, or rather Lilly's mom. Her question that day was "If you were a mage, what would your spirit animal be?"

           The first student Priscilla talked to was Carl who, in true wet blanket form, said a dog, and left. Next she asked Pat, who had been following them while they filmed. Priscilla had to stifle a giggle at the sound of Pat's forced, deep voice when she said "squirtle," combined with the memory of Pat's hunched shoulders and shifty eyes when she said it.

It was only then that Priscilla realized that Mark had not turned the camera away from her face, thus never showing the student she was talking to. She turned to glare at him but he only shrugged and tried not to smile.

           That boy has no shame, she thought as she shook her head and turned back to the TV.

           Most of the students interviewed were typically unoriginal. Mai Lyn claimed her spirit animal was a green gummi bear, Rodney said a stallion, and Regina’s was a black cat. Priscilla groaned inwardly when she heard Ridge’s voice. He of course had to give an unnecessary explanation for his answer. “A unicorn; not the pink fluffy kind, but a great big one with fiery eyes and a super long horn because they can impale you and they're really pretty epic.”

           The last students Priscilla talked to were Leonard and Ivan. Leonard had no idea what a spirit animal was, but Ivan, after thinking a moment, said, "Something amazing like a polar bear or a walrus." Both Priscillas, on couch and screen, found it extremely difficult not to blink slowly.

           "There you have it," TV Priscilla said to the camera. "If you didn't get asked today, don't worry, you can still tell me what your spirit animal would be. Just write down your answer, name, and grade and put it in the box marked 'Out of the Woods' found in the office. Now back to you Clarence." Her smile vanished, and, unaware that she was still being recorded, she said, "Mark, buy me a soda, eh?"

           The scene then cut abruptly back to the anchors. "Thanks, Priscilla," Clarence began. "Well, that's the end of Out of the Woods for this semester."

           "So until next semester, I'm Hannah."

           "And I'm Clarence."

           The "Across the Universe" jingle played again while Clarence and Hannah turned and stared at each other.

           “Weren’t you supposed to be talking or something?” Priscilla whispered.

           “I panicked,” said Clarence.

           Nicky jumped up and turned the lights back on and the girls on the armchair applauded.

           Miss Guzzler stood from her chair and addressed the now fully awake Lilly. "The editing looks pretty good Lilly, but do you think you have time to completely remove Mary's puppet show and the first and last few seconds of Priscilla's segment?"

            “I might, but I can get my mom to."

           Priscilla rolled her eyes. She was almost positive Lilly's mom was the real director/producer/editor/head writer.

           “All right, well, good job everyone,” said Miss Guzzler. “You’re dismissed.”

           As they left the room, Priscilla glared at Clarence who only smiled nervously. It was his fault she was in this, and she would make him pay… in candy.

It was the worst school Christmas party ever. Priscilla glared around at the classmates that had formed into teams for the lame-o games about to commence.

The Eggnoggins, a team comprised of Henry, Ridge, and Rodney, were already discussing game strategy. At least Henry was. Ridge had had ideas but they were constantly shot down, making him more and more frustrated. Rodney, ignoring his teammates, was pestering the girls, constantly in search of “Bae.”

The three girls from team Christmas Cards (or Carols, no one was really sure) huddled in a tight group. Lilly, ever seasonally fashion conscious, was sporting a flashing green and white sweater, candy cane striped pants, massive snow boots, and a Christmas tree hat (complete with singing star topper). Hannah found the whole ensemble completely hysterical and couldn’t speak for laughing. Pat was nodding emphatically at whatever Lilly was saying, interjecting her own opinions, which were generally ignored.

The last team, the Gingerbread Peeps, was an accident. Priscilla and her two kind of friends Clarence and Carl had been standing too close to the festivities and had been roped into participation. Clarence, blind as a mole even with his thick glasses, was talking to the wall. Carl hovered behind Priscilla, ready to offer his assistance if needed, but hoping it wouldn’t be.

Mrs. Uppington, the teacher in charge of the party, climbed onto a large crate and tried to get the students’ attention. “Hello! Students! Excuse me!” The students finally turned their attention to the overly excited teacher. “The games are starting! But first, a few words about our beloved school, Norwegian Wood New Age Learning Centre, N.W.N.A.L.C.”

A few words turned into a 45 minute-long lecture on the history of the learning centres’ model of teaching, the goals for the school over the next twenty years, and Mrs. Uppington’s family’s personal involvement in the establishment of the school. Many students crawled under the tables and fell asleep. At last, Mrs. Uppington led them in a rousing rendition of “We Need a Little Christmas”, then started the competition.

The first game, One Armed Gift Wrapping, was disastrous. Well, at least for team Gingerbread Peeps. Wrapping Christmas presents with your own two hands was hard enough. When Mrs. Uppington went around tying their arms behind the students’ backs, Clarence flipped out.

“Carl! Priscilla! Help me! Someone’s after me!” he cried, falling to the floor. He started convulsing, trying, and failing, to break the pieces of purple yarn holding his arm back. His glasses fell off and he screamed, now completely blind. Carl ran to a corner and started crying.     

These guys just really need to chillax, Priscilla thought with a sigh as she attempted to calm her friends.

Once Clarence’s sight had been somewhat restored, Carl rejoined them, wiping his face on Clarence’s jacket sleeve. “I’m sorry. Are you mad at me?”

“Of course not,” Priscilla assured him. But she really was.

She looked over at the other teams. The Eggnoggins had somehow managed to wrap their boxes under Henry’s leadership, but the Christmas Cards’ boxes had been wrapped to perfection.

Mrs. Uppington clapped enthusiastically from her perch on the crate. “The Christmas Cards win!”

Lilly glanced up and mumbled something no one could hear. In frustration she turned to Hannah to translate. “She said that we are the Christmas Carols,” Hannah said sheepishly. “Not cards.”

“I thought the ‘ol’ was a ‘d’,” Clarence commented. “Your handwriting is too small.”

“Well you’re blind,” Lilly mumbled, but no one heard her as her hat had just started singing "Christmas Time is Here Again."

The next game was the Christmas Shopping Relay Race, consisting of putting on a pile of clothes, running across the room, and bringing back a pile of presents. The Gingerbread Peeps failed miserably due to Priscilla’s reluctance to put on the clothes after Carl had discarded them. The Christmas Cards…Carols…whatever, only did slightly better, as Lilly fell asleep while pulling a sparkly penguin hat on.

Mrs. Uppington announced the Eggnoggins the winners, and the 3 boys chest-bumped and whooped and hollered for a solid 10 minutes. “I told you I knew how to do it,” Henry said.

“Who knew boys could be good shoppers,” Rodney chuckled.

“Congratulations guys, you know how to put on a scarf,” said Pat sarcastically, and Hannah laughed again.

“Shut up, shut up!” Ridge shouted at the giggling girls.

At last Mrs. Uppington calmed everyone down enough for the last game, Christmas Trivia. “Here is the first question,” she said. “What were Frosty the Snowman’s first words?”

Clarence waved both hands in the air and yelled, “Happy anniversary!”

Priscilla shook her head. What a moron, she thought. It’s-

“Happy birthday!” yelled Henry.

“Correct!” squealed Mrs. Uppington. “All right, the next question is…Who wrote ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas?”

“Clement Clark Moore,” Priscilla whispered to Carl. He raised his hand but then immediately dropped it when everyone turned to look at him. He muttered his apologies, asking Priscilla if she was mad at him. She assured him she wasn’t, but she was.

Nobody else knew the answer so with a look of disappointment, Mrs. Uppington moved on. “Question 3. What are the names of the three wise men?”

Priscilla smiled knowingly, having watched the Little Drummer Boy Claymation film every year since she could remember. But Lilly, still groggy, was already whispering something.

“Melchoir, Casper, and Balthazar?” said Hannah, looking to Lilly for confirmation.

“Correct!” cried Mrs. Uppington, her Christmas spirit restored. “Get ready now, this is the last question, it’s a fill-in-the-blank. In the song Deck the Halls, the last line of the first verse is…‘Blank the ancient yuletide carol.’ Go!”

At once the room was filled with humming and quiet singing.

“Toll!” said Henry.

“Trill?” Clarence guessed.

Lilly mumbled something and Hannah glanced at her, somewhat offended. “Troll?”

“Trolls that’ll skin you alive and take your face off?” cried Pat gleefully.

Priscilla appreciated the obscure movie reference but everyone else stared at their classmate wide-eyed.

Mrs. Uppington shrieked with delight. “Yes! Troll is the answer! And with 2 out of 3 right answers the Christmas Cards win!”

There was a brief moment of celebration, but then everyone quickly moved to the refreshment tables, the games forgotten.

Soon the party started winding down. Lilly and Hannah giggled in a corner over their food while Pat laughed awkwardly, not quite getting their joke. Ridge yelled at Rodney again for winking at the girls and Henry looked on in amusement. Clarence and Carl, sitting on either side of Priscilla, discussed their plans for Christmas break.

Norwegian Wood New Age Learning Centre (N.W.N.A.L.C.) has thirty-two students. One of those students is Priscilla Kilpatrick. Priscilla is in her junior year at N.W.N.A.L.C. She knows all thirty-one students but they don’t all know her and that’s the way she likes it. She has her seven other juniors, Raquel, Jamie Butters, Ridge, Hannah, Carl, Dave, and Henry. She likes Henry pretty well (he’s always helpful to teachers and other students), Dave (they’ve been in the same class since figeratively forever), and Carl (she doesn’t really like him, but if he found out he’d cry and it’s just not worth the trouble). Ridge is okay when he isn’t being annoying, and Hannah would be fine if it weren’t for Lilly. Raquel and Jamie Butters, two-thirds of the Raquettes, aren’t Priscilla’s favorites, but they generally don’t bother her so she just ignores them. 

Priscilla’s bestest friend is Clarence, but he’s a year older than her (she can’t dwell on the fact that he’ll be graduating soon without ugly-crying). His fellow seniors are Rodney, a good bloke when he stops complaining about how single he is, and Becky, the other third of the Raquettes and a fruitarian.

Priscilla’s second bestest friend is Mark. He’s a year younger than her but miles ahead when it comes to general life skills. He is in the same year as Lilly, the bane of Priscilla’s existance for reasons, and Ivan, also the bane of Priscilla’s existance for completely different reasons  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). There are five other sophomores but Priscilla doesn’t like to think about them. 

There are eight freshmen, Oliver being the only one Priscilla talks to on any kind of regualr basis. Other than him she likes to cross paths with Kevin, Renaldo, and Aiden, who are all on the curling team. The other four are unimportant.

There are three eighth grade boys, but they’re hardly worth mentioning.

N.W.N.A.L.C. is a quasi-prestigeous institute for children of the somewhat wealthy Saskatchewanites. They offer classes for grades seven through twelve, with four required classes for each grade and a varied selection of electives for the higher grades. Every student is required to choose between the arts of Caber Tossing, Pole Vaulting, Discus Throwing, Wheelbarrow Racing, and Crab Walking for their sports credit, and join a chior of either  Lute, Clavichord, Panpipes, or Bagpipes.

A uniform is in place to uphold the Centre’s unity and solidarity. Regular class attire for the students inlcudes a skirt, polo shirt, ribbon tie, hair bow or headband, knee or bobby socks, and sweater of any combination of the colors purple, lime green, and yellow for the girls, and slacks, polo or dress shirt, bow tie, and sweater in any combination of the same colors for the boys. All shoes must be black dress shoes, and the N.W.N.A.L.C. issued black and yellow windbreaker can be worn at any time. On the occasion of special occasions such as Family Day, Good Friday, Victoria Day, Labour Day, and Boxing Day, as well as faculty and staff birthdays, the students must wear their dress uniform consisting of a purple and green plaid skirt, yellow dress shirt, green ribbon tie, purple hair bow, yellow knee socks, and black Mary Jane shoes for the girls and purple slacks, a yellow dress shirt, green bow tie, and black dress shoes for the boys. On the many all school field-trips the students may wear the casual uniform which is green skinny jeans, the N.W.N.A.L.C. yak shirt or sweatshirt over a yellow t-shirt with gray or black sneakers. 

The yak in question is of course the Centre’s mascot. The only sport the Centre competes in is curling, but the student body is extremely supportive of their team. 

It was a cold, snowy evening, perfect for Still Life Art class, one of Norwegian Wood New Age Learning Centre (N.W.N.A.L.C.)’s new electives. Mrs. Uppington had just settled Ivan in her home-made Iron Throne to model for the class.

“Pay careful attention to subtle differences of light and dark,” Mrs. Uppington instructed. “Especially the super unimpressive but still present shadow of his upper lip.”

“You know Eskimos have small features,” Ivan muttered and half the class laughed. The other half didn’t hear and Mrs. Uppington was too busy furiously sketching to pay attention. Ivan was adopted as a child and he took every possible opportunity to remind the class.

Priscilla was especially excited about tonight’s model. She had admired Ivan from not-so-afar all year and was exceedingly glad for the excuse to stare openly at his perfectly sculpted arms, shoulders… and upper lip. Maybe next time she’ll have him take his cardigan off, she sighed at the thought. She had recently started attending the school’s curling matches for the sole purpose of seeing him in sweatpants and short-sleeved shirts.

She looked around, suddenly very aware of everyone else in the room. Carl was staring at her. Oh no, had she been blinking slowly again? Or worse, not blinking at all?

With a not very apathetic hair flip, Carl turned back to his conversation with Mai Lyn. She was telling him her face-wash routine and Priscilla hoped he would apply it himself. Maybe then he’d get something out of this class. She honestly had no idea how those two were passing.

Hannah was busy painting everything but her canvas. She had already finished all twenty nails and had tied down Leonard's legs and was painting his piggies a lovely shade of magenta. Leonard, who was taking pictures of Ivan on every mobile device he had brought that day, had yet to notice.

Regina had already finished three charcoal drawings, a water color, and a clay sculpture, and had begun a cross-stitch rendition of Ivan. She raised her hand and Mrs. Uppington smiled at her. “When you say light and dark, are you referring to just black and white, or certain shades of gray?”

“Don’t be racists!’ Ridge called down from his secluded seat in the rafters.

Mark turned in his seat to smirk at Priscilla. “Just how many shades are we talkin’ here?”

Priscilla couldn’t help but grin back at him. Being the new kid, it was somewhat surprising that Mark had managed to get on practically every student’s good side.

Next to her, Oliver chuckled, having for once understood the joke. Priscilla wasn’t sure how she felt about his diminishing innocence. “Oliver, never grow up,” she said sadly.

“Never surrender!” came a shout from the back of the room and everyone turned to look at Henry. He sat in on the class whenever his mother forgot to pick him up, and with seven kids, five cats, and a 10 to 2 job, she forgot about him a lot.

Everything was pretty usual that evening. But then Mark got to the lip.

“Mrs. Uppington,” he said raising his hand. “Do we have to draw his upper lip? It’s basically non-existent.”

Priscilla smacked the side of his head.

“I saw it just fine,” she said, holding up the palm of her hand where she had been doodling. “I even accessorized!” She smiled proudly at his very prominent upper lip, complete with lip ring and handlebar mustache.

Oliver leaned closer to look at her hand. “Is that a cold sore? Cool! I mean gross.”

Mrs. Uppington looked over at Ivan. “Okay, now I’m sorry I mentioned it. The next person I hear talk about his lip will be sent to The Big Cheese.”

This hardly concerned the class, for Mrs. Uppington was not known for her disciplinary actions.

“Can we talk about other people’s lips?” Ridge asked, winking at Priscilla, who shuddered and crawled under the table.

Mrs. Uppington didn’t respond, having gone back to her sketchbook.

The room was quiet, the silence only broken by the scratch of pencils on paper and Hannah playing "Paperback Writer" on her banjo.

Regina suddenly screamed and raised her hand. “Ivan was sticking his tongue out the whole time! Now everything is ruined!” She crumpled up her unfinished origami and started to cry.

Mrs. Uppington turned to Ivan. “Ivan, dear, would you please stick your tongue back out so Regina can finish?” Ivan did so directly in her face and grinned. Priscilla blinked… slowly.

“Hey Priscilla,” Mark said, leaning under the table. “I bought yarn yesterday for your sweater. Mauve and gold okay?”

Priscilla smiled and got up from the floor. It was so cute that he liked to crochet.

“Priscilla’s already got you domesticated I see,” Ivan said from his throne. “Making her clothes. Next she’ll make you do housework. Then you’ll have to cook for her. Before you know it, she’ll be going off to work while you watch the kids.”

“You’re just jealous because our children will have better lips than yours,” Mark retorted.

The Inuit jumped up from his throne and Regina screamed again before fainting. “Mrs. Uppington, Mark said something about my lip!” Ivan cried.

“Did you really?” Mrs. Uppington dropped her sketchbook. She looked at Priscilla, her eyes and ears of Still Life Art class. Priscilla nodded. “Mark. Office. Now.”

You could hear a pin drop – Henry dropped one, just to check, and everyone heard it.  Even the EMT standing over Regina paused to look at the teacher. Mrs. Uppington never followed through with her threats.

Mark started to protest, but Mrs. Uppington waved her hand up and down, pointing at the door. Mark slumped out of his chair and out the door into the snow.

Everyone went back to whatever they had been doing.

A solid fifteen minutes later the door opened and The Big Cheese walked in, followed by a very subdued Mark. Mrs. Uppington joined them in the back of the room to talk, then The Big Cheese left and Mark returned to his seat.

“What happened?” Priscilla whispered.

“Nothing, we just talked,” answered Mark, but Priscilla didn't believe him.

Mrs. Uppington started walking around the room, observing their progress, commenting on Oliver’s detail work and Hannah’s lack of work. When she got to Leonard, she was less than impressed.

“Leonard, this isn’t photography class. I expect a full sketch on my desk first thing tomorrow.”

The bell rang and Hannah jumped up and shouted,” class is over, time to go!”

Harold Kilpatrick is the “History of the American War Between the States and Reconstruction from the Canadian Perspective” and woodshop teacher at Norwegian Wood New Age Learning Centre. In his free time, he likes to read motorcycle magazines and walk in the woods.

Maude Kilpatrick, Harold’s wife, is a stay-at-home mother. She homeschooled their children up through elementary school. Now she keeps the house in order and pays the bills.

Harold and Maude Kilpatrick have three lively daughters. 

Their eldest is a fun-loving, dog-loving, food-loving twenty-five-year-old named Millicent. The kind of fun she loves is playing board games with her family and friends, watching movies with her family and friends, and reading horse books in the complete solitude of her bedroom. The kind of dog she likes is her own beautiful princess dog named Pocky. Other than Pocky, she likes big dogs with big paws. The kind of food she likes is anything delicious and healthy (or maybe just delicious). 

Their middle daughter, Carlotta, is a little less fun-loving, but no less food-loving. At twenty years old, Carlotta runs a successful business out of the Kilpatrick’s basement. She makes mini dresses. Not dresses with short skirts, but actual mini dresses, like for dolls or what have you. She is extremely detail-oriented, and most of her clients buy her dresses only to have a real seamstress remake them in a larger size. Her interests include Colombian soccer players and Colombia in general.