#clairbear

I’ve been trying to reconnect with this girl I went on a couple dates with last summer. I just want to be friends because I’m not really attracted to her but we used to have long conversations and enjoyed each other’s company, plus her work schedule is simliar to my weird-ass schedule, so we’d actually have time to hang out.

We’ve hung out a few times in the past couple months, talked on the phone a bit, but yesterday she dropped all these hints that she’s attracted to me but that she’s too scared to ask if I’m interested in her.

I tried to tell her without outright telling her that I’m not interested in her like that. I told her that I value her friendship. I hope she understands.

My ears are stopped up with echoes of my lover’s words, my feet are slow to take me from my lover’s bed, my hands are clumsy at everything but caresses, my tongue is tied until it’s between my lover’s lips.

Feeling the engine purr and putter between my thighs, the golden moon shining benevolently down on me, my heart pounding in anticipation.

That's the problem with being bisexual, at least for me: I'm statistically more likely to find a male partner then a female one.

I still haven't made peace with that.

I feel very gay and I feel like I generally present as very gay, too, and I don't want anyone to mistake me for a heterosexual.

My current love is a very traditionally masculine man, tall and muscular and outwardly stoic, a military veteran who carries a gun for work and rebuilds cars in his spare time, and while he respects my sexual orientation and my complicated relationship to gender, I doubt he fully understands it.

But he seems secure in his masculinity and he likes me the way I am, with my thot boy haircut and my doc martens and motorcycles and my often boyish vibe, but he also clearly appreciates when I wear makeup and dresses and act like a lady, as I enjoy doing sometimes.

So I dunno.

We've been very upfront about what we can and can't, will and won't change about ourselves.