#ck!rumi

once again my zoey was the one who found this song for me! Cyli I Would Die For You I Love You More Than Anything

anyways!

"better if worse" by HAFFWAY (AND it's stripped counterpart!) were given to me because they are deeply, deeply sickening for the breakup scene and i'm sure it's not difficult to see why. the original is on ck!mira, and the stripped version is on ck!rumi :}

disgusting for ck!mira. horrible.

"put it on the table, everything you thought and all that you said" - KILL ME.

"heaven never waits for all of your thoughts to finally cease / but hell is on a payphone, taking dimes and ringing out loud" - nothing rumi ever does in this scenario will make the noise in her head stop; everything she does in this situation will only make things worse, and mira isn't exactly helping anymore in the end with her default reaction to being scared to be picking fights

"so i'm calling you out, i'm calling you out" - she sure does doesn't she! we all love that! thank you ck!mira!

"love you like you mean it or go get better at lying if you're gonna try" - THIS IS THE ONE THAT PUNCHED ME IN THE THROAT BECAUSE GOOD GOD DUDE WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ????? THIS IS SICKENING FOR BOTH OF THEM!!!!! "better if worse" having a stripped version is AWFUL because like

the original is louder and angrier and that's exactly what ck!mira is, this lyric is demanding and harsh and angry, and then the stripped version is still demanding, but it's so much quieter and hopeless, and that's Exactly what ck!rumi is going through

"you're hiding in the grey and everything you say is coming out black and white" - also literally them. this entire fight could have been avoided if they weren't so unable to dive into their nuances and their faults and insecurities and fears. but hey i guess faults and fears must never be seen and they're certainly doing a good job of that!

"'cause you know that i need you, i hate that i want you" - is unfortunately very ck!mira at the end of their relationship. i wouldn't say it's a full 'hate' right now at the very very end of bmch4, but she's so hurt and angry and afraid because of all that rumi has done, and it's starting to build up in a Very Very Very Bad Way

"yeah, it crosses my mind that i might be cursed / yeah, but sometimes it's better if it's just a little worse" - ck!rumi. it's just ck!rumi. that's just her. what more is there to say. ck!rumi i'm so sorry

"i don't wanna face it / everything you are is something i'm not" - this entire verse is ck!rumi whereas verse 1 was ck!mira for the most part; there's such a heavy emphasis on rumi refusing to face everything up until it's too late. she's not like mira (good) and she knows that, and it's terrifying to have to think about

"lose my mind, i'm yelling out loud / don't act like you don't know it" - her up at brook's, finally hitting her breaking point before she buries it all down completely

"everything is coming on easy and you're coming on strong / and i don't wanna hold it, but i'm tired of letting you down" - CK!Rumi I Am So Sorry For What I Have Done To You.

i have SO many of these. i have songs for All Of These Characters And They ARE In Order! i'll doors post for a second before i'll let us all be free (for now) but just know i am insane about music and about ck and about the songs i put on their playlists and i will Always talk about this any chance i'm given . also if you look on their playlists it's kind of a fun way to see how the fic will transpire! good luck! have fun with the Almost burden of knowledge!

anyways. doors noah kahan. not only was this song written to fuck with me specifically, it's also the absolute worst ck!mira song to do it ever!

"i grew up pretendin' sticks were little guns / i would point 'em at my dad, and he'd get mad, 'cause god forbid i hurt someone" - is the worst opener for her i could ever think of. what the hell do you mean "'cause god forbid i hurt someone" . awful.

"i'd hurt anyone i could / anyone who got too close, and anyone who wouldn't look" - ck!mira's beliefs about herself and who she is as a person never fails to make me violently upset. i hope i've been able to portray the fact that she is absolutely not a bad cruel horrible person even despite how hard she tries to tell the reader that. i've actually made it a point for her to Tell You "yes i am the worst person alive" as much as possible only for her actual actions to completely show that that's hardly true

that doesn't stop her from believing it!

"foot of ice across vermont / and in that dark, and in that frost, a heart was formed / malcontented and unwarm / you were unsuspectin', not unwarned" - this is literally just her meeting with rumi for the first time; "and in that frost, a heart was formed, malcontented and unwarm" is obviously mira slowly coming to consider that she isn't as bad as she thinks she is. "you were unsuspectin', not unwarned" is to rumi, who never once thought poorly of mira or considered her to be a bad, harmful, dangerous person. unsuspecting, not unwarned.

"that i'm the trouble ahead, that i scream in my sleep / you're puttin' money on red, i'm a sure bet at a losin' streak" - the way ck!mira thinks of herself. Kills Me. Sickening. she can't understand why rumi continues to put in so much time and effort into making her comfortable, why rumi loves her at all, why rumi does anything she does, because mira doesn't deserve it for all of these reasons

and notably the reasons are never anything horrible. "that i scream in my sleep"? something uncontrollable, likely caused by something else? and yet that's still enough for mira to consider herself undesirable

"i keep showin' you doors, but you can't open them up / 'cause it gets harder to see me the closer you try to look" - the second part of these lyrics is awful and horribly on point for mira, who considers herself so lowly and thinks no one would be able to understand her, but the first half....referencing to how bad of a person she is, how rumi refuses to see her like that. no matter how hard mira tries to get rumi to open those doors like everyone else, rumi won't, can't

"i just live here, babe, but you're the one who decided to knock" - rumi still choosing to be with her and to learn her and to not turn away even after seeing mira the clearest out of everyone in her life

"have you ever stared directly at the sun?" - what mira considers rumi to be, the light in her life

"have you ever shared some closeness, so exposed / to have it spit back by someone?" - because this is Exactly what rumi did when she left, isn't it? all of that progress and what the two of them became with each other is gone now, spat back in mira's face, and that's that!

"so forgive me if i jump / at the rattle of your keys / "oh, are you leavin'?", "no, babe, i'm just wakin' up" / and now what?" - mira's fear at rumi leaving, her being afraid every single time she leaves the house to sit on the porch or to leave further and further, being convinced she's never going to come back.

and then she doesn't. and now what?

"i'm left starin' at the ceiling, listin' reasons you should pack all your shit up" - this is both post and pre-breakup to me; mira constantly going through reasons for rumi to leave her prior to bmch4 which slowly turns into reasons why she Did and why it was Inevitable

COWBOY KILLERS!!!! i think most if not all of us know that this project started as a project i wanted to include in my october song prompt series! it was going to be day three's fic, and then it just. it did not happen BAAHHAAGSDF i pretty quickly realised it was going to be more than that, but i . did not think it was going to be as Much as it is now, but god i am so happy that it is!!! this project means so much to me

i also have mentioned before that i completely rewrote ck BAAHSGDFGHDGF back in late february early march of this year i realised i hated pretty much everything i had written (not the plot itself, just that i spent more time with ck!rumi, ck!mira, and ck!zoey and realised that they weren't in-character for them anymore) and so. you know. like a normal person would. i rewrote about ~150k words over the span of like....until now?

to be fair i didn't Entirely scrap everything i had, i adjusted large portions and kept in a lot of older writing and just made it Better, but i did entirely scrap a few scenes! and also the majority of bmch4 because i. was having fucking battles with that chapter BAHSGDHDGF that one was a nightmare for more than just the nightmare content within

ANYWAYS!

i unfortunately can't share As Much as i would like to because a lot is still Yet To Be Seen within ck, but after this segment is done (four chapters from now and we'll be out of segment one!) i'll be able to post a little more!!!

first and foremost, here's a bit of me deciding to completely rewrite ck (which included making an entirely new timeline)

bonus of my zoey. not liking my insane rambling (there is so much more to this i can't show it was like 100+ messages)

there's so much i can't share because it's Just out of reach but it will haunt the narrative (this post) the entire time . i will be complaining about "the quests" The Whole Time and i STILL complain actively even despite largely figuring out what i want to do

we're moving onto my insane fish rambling which contains a mix of everything so . we'll be getting to character notes and other misc things i can talk about! unfortunately i still have to keep mostly everything. hidden. but we WILL get there eventually promise!

here are some bmch4 notes :}

reminder i have playlists for all of them and one day i might make a 1000+ song doc because . man. my ck playlists are awful

more bmch4 posting

i have so much more but i'm at image limit so . we'll have to wait for the time being but there's a bit of rambling + planning! maybe i'll post older screenshots from the first attempt at ck since i still have it

bonus of me trying to gift ck to my polycule (JOKE NOT REAL) and best friend doctor and all three of them having gifts turned off