#circusp

Let's do the latter thing first, actually:

THE TRACK LIST

Define Me (feat. MAIKA) - nostraightanswer

the dots (feat. AVANNA) [Unreleased Self-Remix] - nostraightanswer

hourhand (feat. Otomachi Una) - suzie

The Sim (feat. Kasane Teto AI) - Jam2go

WILDCARD (feat. Kasane Teto AI) - KIRA

What Should I Say First (feat. SynthV Natalie) - CircusP

SUPERSHOT (feat. VoiSona SELENA) - Mellowcle

With This Love (feat. Hatsune Miku) - nostraightanswer

Room for a Fantasy (feat. Hatsune Miku) - nostraightanswer

Cottonmouth [Unreleased] - nostraightanswer

Moving Forward (feat. EmpathP) [Unreleased] - nostraightanswer

Juggling a very busy semester of college, the track list was ultimately decided just a week before the show, but I think people really enjoyed the selection overall! I opened with two songs from previous albums: Define Me from SYNTECH+, and an unreleased remix of the dots from specters. From there I immediately jumped into playing a bunch of songs that have been recent favorites: hourhand, The Sim, WILDCARD, What Should I Say First, and SUPERSHOT. In the case of The Sim, I had also considered playing a couple of other songs from Jam's Crash Test album: Same TBH and Edutainment. I then wrapped up the VOCALOID segment playing With This Love, my runner-up entry for the Miku Expo 2021 Song Contest, then Room for a Fantasy, which ultimately won the most recent contest- I'm still in shock and awe, and so incredibly honored.

The big surprise was really the last couple of songs, Cottonmouth and Moving Forward, which notably do not feature VOCALOIDs at all, but instead the voices of myself and one of my long-time best friends, EmpathP (also the voice of VOCALOID DAINA). When I introduced them to the audience as brand new songs* that I sang myself, someone shouted if I would be singing them live. I had not been planning on it, and when I explained such, I was met with chants from the audience to just go for it and ultimately gave in. I was worn out from bouncing around and throwing my body every which way, but I absolutely gave it my best effort- the only thing I had ever promised anyone leading up to it.

I'm really, really glad I did, actually! While I didn't have files prepared with the main vocal removed or lowered, people seemed to hear my live voice over or blending in with the original and responded really, really well. I got a lot of compliments after my set and the overall show on my singing voice in particular, including from fellow performers and fans new and old. This was deeply encouraging for several reasons, but in particular because my next album- which I hope to release this year- hardly features vocal synths at all, if any. In a sense, I hope my live performance made people want to hear more of my singing- a couple more thoughts on this later.

*: An older version of Cottonmouth was part of my Digital Stars 2023 Online set.

POST-SHOW THOUGHTS

Holy fuck. Apparently I was the only person performing that night who didn't swear on stage, and I might have even apologized for thinking I wasn't allowed to LOL. I genuinely can't remember. It was all a blur. But it sounds like something I would do. Regardless, I shouted "I FUCKING DID IT" at the top of my lungs in wristbands-only after the show was over, and said "Holy fuck" about once every ten seconds when I got back to my hotel that night.

Jamie Paige (of FLAVOR FOLEY, headlining the Digital Stars series this year) was, to my genuine surprise, one of my loudest and most excited hype-people of the evening. I had been acquainted with her since the Skype Days™️ but had never really interacted much with her until more recently. The way she believed in me like all of my other friends believed in me made me feel like I could fucking do anything, dude. And the hug I received after my set from her is unforgettable.

I'd briefly met Jamie, Vane Lily, MonochroMenace, and KAT in Chicago before the first Miku Expo shows, but I hadn't had much time to actually hang around too long that day. In New York / Newark, I was able to spend about an hour hanging out with Jamie (as well as Sleppuccino and ODDEEO, who I'd been closer with for longer) in my hotel room two days before DigiStars, and I attended an unofficial meetup at the American Dream mall with Menace, KAT, and several others (I think Bedrock [aka isidore.] was there but I am struggling to remember things clearly) the day of Miku Expo Newark. I was so grateful to be able to hang out and chitchat with everyone at length during the DigiStars sound check / rehearsal, and I felt really really welcome in the space for the first time in a few years. Thank you all so much for your kindness and warmth. 💖

The entire time I was traveling with Aki (EmpathP), and I genuinely don't think I would have survived the trip without her- she took on the brunt of incidental food and travel expenses (Lyft, Amtrak), and while I didn't exactly come to NYC with zero cash (indeed I handed Aki several bills to pay her back), there were several major expenses that drained my debit account FAST (an absurdly priced hotel incidental authorization nearly took me out tbh, but that's reverted now so it's all good).

I was invited to KBBQ after DigiStars by 4M-P, and holy shit there were so many other people it was hard to keep track. 4M-P, Bedrock, Menace, KAT, Menace's BF, ODDEEO and Sleppu, Ultimashadow, oh my god so many people I can't remember names of right now but you were all so nice to travel with for my first subway ride (thank you for dinging me through the gate LOL).

There was a good chance I would have actually withdrawn from DigiStars entirely due to enormous, insurmountable waves of anxiety in the prior months due to increasingly poor physical and mental health. I struggled to keep up with academics, physical fitness, diet, and so much more for a variety of reasons, and I had felt a lot of pressure all the way up to the hours before the show... If it weren't for my various friends throughout a number of social circles supporting me, this incredible night would have never happened for me. Thank you all so much.

I owe a lot to the Miku Expo and Digital Stars teams, from selecting Room for a Fantasy and creating such an amazing arrangement for it (wish I could've met the band), to inviting me to perform and giving me a chance I probably barely deserved or had the experience for, but trusting me to just do my best, which was all I could really promise anyway. Super big thanks to Riki, who handled most of my more casually framed questions, requests, and other sorts of confusion (probably to a level of annoyance) with incredible patience the whole time, and made a significant effort to make me feel more at ease.

I do think people liked the singing enough that next time I do a performance, I'd like to try doing that "glorified karaoke" set I was so afraid people wouldn't like, or at least deliberately planning that into a set comparable to my DigiStars performance. People absolutely want their VOCALOID content still- can't take all of that away- but I think with more practice and deliberate rehearsal, a proper vocal performance would be received even better than one where I'm trying to sing over a full-volume pre-recorded lead vocal.

Simultaneously, next time I'm invited to do a performance, I would like to NOT have a full or more-than-full course load in the parallel academic semester. Only having one actual week to prepare the set forced me to simplify my plans so greatly and not being able to practice an additional week certainly forced me to simplify further. That said, I don't know if the actual "format" of the set would have changed much- more "casual DJ" and less "club DJ".

Also simultaneously, next time I'm invited to do a performance, I want to be hot and shirtless. is that too much to ask

To everyone in the audience, thank you so much for your enthusiasm during my performance. If I gave you any reason to pay attention to what I'm doing next, I'm so happy to have achieved just that. But more than anything else, your energy and encouragement helped me be brave doing something I've literally never done before- the last time I'd performed on any stage at all was almost 15 years ago (at least, in non-impromptu fashion), and I'd never, ever performed on a stage solo. You were all amazing.

And, finally... if I could do it all over again, I think I would. Maybe better this time. More thought out. Less juggling college. But I had a lot of fun, and it was all worth it in the end.

Thank you so much for coming to my TED talk