#cincinnasty

Hometown got me feelin' lots of types of ways. Good trip home, but racked with emotional obstacles and tense undertones. My tightly wound sense of order was constantly challenged and in perpetual threat of just collapsing altogether during my time back.

I love my parents, I would do anything for them, but they do not understand how stressful living in a hoarder house that smells terrible with two sick animals and a cockatoo that is always screaming directly in your face is. They just deal with it, internalize it, and silently tick away. Personally, it makes me want to run screaming down the street -or- smoke spliffs out m'bedroom window. 

I met my half sister for the first time ever and my mind is swimming. I didn't even know she existed until 5 years ago and my dad kind of insisted we never meet. He arranged for me, my full sister, himself, and my half sister all meet for dinner. Her name is Amber and I am welling with pride and beaming with happiness in now knowing what her face looks like... being able to recognize her...know what her voice sounds like. She's soft spoken and works with animals. She's recently married and a step mother to her husband's kids. She was honest and genuine and I am so saddened that our relationship as sisters can't progress in person over the next two quarters of school.

I don't wanna jinx it, but I may be interning *fingers crossed* in Cincinnati this summer and the thought both excites and disgusts me. I will see meaningful people whom I love infinitely and continue on in life with industry experience and a small nest egg. But along with this comes the responsibility of once more convincing my parents that living at home would give me anxiety attacks, of watching some friends spiral the drain, and of sharp painful memories of my old self.