#churchgoing

Edward Jones (center) escorting Pat Roberts and Edna Dean home from church, Harlem, ca. 1939.

Going to church is anything but restful/ relaxing/ peaceful etc for me. Every time I go it's actually more stressful than the last time

For example today

Dad as per usual yells at me for something inconsequential early in the morning. This time it was because I "looked at him so shocked" when I saw him still and pyjamas and he asked me where I was going (it was a misunderstanding ofc but that's not the point, the point is that got genuinely irritated that I made a wide eyes surprised face at him). Then he got mad at mom for making us "be 10 minutes late for church" (we arrived 20 minutes before the actual service started), and told her she "always controls the schedule, ugh" etc. Then we had to wait a bit for the other car in front of us and I told him "I'm actually gonna get out now" because I had seen my friend and wanted to greet her etc, but he got even more mad and was like "oh now you want to take control of things?!!" ... as if my making any decision is me controlling him or whatever

And the church service as per usual was full of continuous "kids being rebellious and running away from home" discourse. Seemingly that's the only thing being talked about at church nowadays. That and also the fact how the pastors are so incredibly casual about just "rebuking" the entire congregation. The main pastor reproached a vague "you" for judging him over the fact that his daughter ran away with her boyfriend (long story). And he said that now and last time and many times over "it's so easy to judge but nobody prays for me or for her etc" which. 1. Not true, they do pray for the both of you. 2. You don't say that from the pulpit

That was the 1st sermon, aka the section before the prayer hour. And the 2nd sermon aka the longer sermon was held by a guest pastor. He was less upset and more "joking" in his attitude, but he semi seriously rebuked the Church twice. Once for the fact that the young people are going to the pentecostal church in our vicinity instead of this one (hahaha so funny, hahaha) and the second time he rebuked us for not having an evening Sunday service (on top of the morning one that is), but again, framed as a joke/ invitation/ marketing for his own evening service at his home church.

Dad proposes to the whole church that we sing Christmas carols as a choir. Which would be nice except now we have to actually meet separately for "rehearsals". Which means every Sunday evening from now on. Much to the satisfaction of the guest pastor doing the rebuking I assume.

And we reach home. Dad mentions the rebuke and I, thinking at home I'm allowed to be honest, rookie mistake I must admit, let out a huge sigh and say something to the effect of "not this again". And dad frowns at me very seriously like. "Why do you always reject the messages etc? Maybe the message is good even if you don't like the preacher and you don't have to reject preachers like that etc. How do you know that it's not the Holy Spirit talking through him? You should be more sensitive to the whisper of the Holy Spirit".

Great, now a "rebuke" from my dad. I'm always afraid of him when he employs such spiritual language, he has such a power over me fr. How is this not spiritual manipulation fr?! Like sure enough I need to hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit, but how did you come to the conclusion that a pastor rudely bludgeoning the congregation over the head with some minor complaint """"as a joke"""" is somehow part of the modus operandi of the Holy Spirit????

I'm so so so so so tired of my dad basically accusing me of sinning/ not obeying God/ not listening to the Holy Spirit/ hardening myself/ being rebellious or any other such thing just because I did the unthinkable and dared disagree with him!!!!!!!!!!! But I don't even have enough of a spine or enough spiritual maturity and assurance of faith etc to be able to take his words without getting into a panic. Literally my dad could tell me he doubts I'm even saved and I would genuinely question my own salvation. Like my relationship with God is dependent on the relationship with my parents which I know is a bad thing and I should stop etc but. Aghhhh. *screams and cries*

I wish I went to a different church never went to this church again. I wish I moved away never lived with my parents again. All the time the pastor was talking about his daughter etc all I could think was man!!! You're seriously making me wish I had run away from home when I did have those thoughts! Because frankly even if I stay and I'm obedient I get the same rebuke it seems!! You only think of me as one of the "good ones" among the rebellious parent disobeying youth of today because I sing nicely in front of the church! But I don't even want to sing by the way!

And isn't it very fun how every time dad feels that a sermon "convicted him" he has to assemble a choir or a worship team or whatever? Which means more work for me? Or that he has to do counselling with the refugees, which means more work for me, as translator? Or that he has to invite them at our house every Sunday months and months on end, which means more work for mom and me?!! And then he gets to call mom "unwelcoming of guests" when she finally puts her foot down!!!!!!!!!!! And then he gets to say I'm "just not wanting to get out of my comfort zone" when I'm burnt out from the translating and not only!! Funny how his getting convicted has to involve us working overtime. Oh what sinners we are if we don't feel convicted the same!!! We clearly are being the rebellious ones here!!! Clearly I am the one not listening to the whisper of the Holy Spirit here huh?!! Have you considered, dad, that sometimes you just have an idea you consider to be very good. And it might even be a good idea idk. But that doesn't automatically mean that it came directly from God and whoever disagrees disobeys God because they disobey you?!

But dad has too much power over my mind etc, and I'm too weak/ immature/ doubtful in my walk with Christ to actually withstand him. Instead I'm here like. Sure Alexandra vent all you can. But you know deep down you ARE rebelling against God by rebelling against your dad. You ARE ignoring the Holy Spirit by rejecting that pastor's rebuke.

And man... what I intended to write was a rant about literally how all I need is some comfort/ encouragement. And I know that I cannot always rely on people to do that so obviously the Lord has to be my refuge etc. But I can't do that yet because I'm having the hardest time seeing Him on "my side". Imagining Him comforting me "against" my parents or my pastors or whomever else feels like the most prideful thing ever. How dare I argue with my fellow Christians? How dare I pretend I am in the right, and the Lord is wiping away my tears caused by being "wronged" by others. No I can't do that. It feels so wrong. I'm not allowed to say they ever do anything wrong ever. So yeah I do rant and I do say they're in the wrong but then at night when I have to pray I take it all back and apologise for "disrespecting my parents" etc. For not getting along with fellow Christians etc.

I have said this before but I'll say it again. The only times in my life when I have genuinely purely truly certainly felt the Lord comforting me were: 1. when I first came to the Lord as a child in 2013, that was the biggest relief I've ever felt, after living several years in paralysing terror and fear of the end of the world, realising that I can be at peace even if the world did end, so I am able/ "allowed" to lead a normal life. (Then I fell into a huge amount of legalism etc but now that I remember more clearly, I started out on the right track). 2. in about 2019 when I got out of the horrible state I was in the previous two years and was able to see beauty in life and nature again etc. And I realised my teacher had been abusive to us all this time but only then have I ever allowed myself to feel wronged by somebody when praying to the Lord.

But she was the kind of person it's morally acceptable to be wronged by: atheist, leftist, progressive etc. Trying to shove gay agenda and sex Ed down our throats. You can have no doubt there thar the Lord looks upon her as the aggressor (sinner) and you as the victim (because you are His child).

And I'm not even saying my parents are abusing me right now!! I'm just saying they're being increasingly unreasonable because they can't cope with our growing up. And they can sometimes be controlling. And they can oftentimes provoke us to anger. But of course nobody ever ever ever talks of parents provoking their children to anger, only of children disobeying. And yes yes I have said it out loud and I'll say it again. I am indeed angry at many fellow Christians. How can I not be??!!! But it seems I'm not allowed to.

But I am very very upset and hurt too. How can I pretend I'm not furious and betrayed by the ones who took over my childhood church!! I'd love for their deed to be exposed as an evil one and be called out about it. I do want all the legalism in the culture I grew up in to be called out and exposed for what it is!! I do want the end-of-the-world fear mongering I grew up with and that permanently shaped my view of God for the worse to at least stop getting praised if not ouright rejected. I do want my grandparents to change their attitudes!! I DO want my parents to change their attitudes!!!

Where do we even draw the line? Are we never supposed to call eachother out ever? Are we supposed to sweep everything under the rug?

Or, as my parents say, "oh you're just exaggerating/ imagining/ that's not really what happened/ what they said/ what they intended etc"?

I am so tired. I've written all of this between pained, pained sobs and wails and silent prayers and weeping aghhhhhh. My soul hurts so bad.

Can we Christians at least stop it with the hierarchy of pain, wherein "you just have to be grateful that you aren't starving like the African kids, and even they are actually more grateful than you"? How about we actually acknowledge that the Bible is full of people suffering and crying out to God... And as I've said earlier... no more verse policing, wherein "Jeremiah 29:11 doesn't apply to us so we shouldn't make inspirational posts with it". Excuse me man, is a fellow Christian finding encouragement such an offensive thing to you?!!

Mom, dad, maybe I am exaggerating/ making it up/ imagining stuff etc. Does that even matter, given that I suffer just as bad as if it were true? Do you think the solution to make me suffer less is actually belittling my problems instead of the more intuitive and normal solution of encouragement? But I've seen that this is a very common cultural and generational thing where I live: people compare eachother so much it's literally so toxic. Sure, those in the world compare eachother like one envious: oh he has a better car than me etc. But Christians are not immune from this at all, they just reverse it to oh he has a broken down car so I'm not allowed to complain about my car missing a wheel. Etc