VERMILION - C. SAN
Part 1.
☙.꩜ Summary: with a traumatic past, San unlocks a new level of insanity after committing a crime as a teenager. Now free, he uses all his potential to keep you, his only piece of heaven, even if it means staining his hands dark red.
☙.꩜ Wc: 8.7k
☙.꩜ Pairing: Psycho!San x afab!reader
☙.꩜ Genre: [+18] angst, thriller (guess i can put it that way), romance, smut
☙.꩜ Warnings: MDNI!;dark themed; MURDERS; blood; extreme violence; traumas; angst; psychopathy; San has mommy issues and a distorted idea of love; San is cold, selfish, self-centered, and toxic; this is not a romanticized relationship; evental smut (with foreplay, oral, piv, etc); representation of sexism and misogyny; dismemberment and some gore things; it may be sensitive for some audiences; you have been warned
THIS IS ONLY FICTIONAL AND DO NOT REPRESENT WHAT ANYBODY MENTIONED ARE IN REAL LIFE NOR HOW DO I PICTURE THEM!
☙.꩜ VERMILION MASTERLIST
∴❧.·:¨¨:·.♡.·:¨¨:·. ☙.·:¨ ¨:·.-`♡´-.·:¨ ¨:·. ❧.·:¨ ¨:·.♡.·:¨ ¨:·.❧∴
The sunny sky and the breeze, which rustled the leaves of the trees and San's hair, contrasted with the dimly lit corridor and rusty gates outside the detention center.
The guards escorted San to the exit door, where he was finally released with his backpack, carrying a few belongings.
One of the guards handed San a piece of paper, a brief form document signed by the Director and the psychiatrist responsible for him. The paper was a mere formality, and in this way, he was officially free. No more walls and electric fences.
No more sessions, no more meds. No more of this bullshit.
However, he was completely alone now. He only had one place he could go at that moment, since he had no other option.
His old house.
San was considerably far away, having been taken to the other side of the state, but he managed to get a ride on the road after getting far enough away from the detention center.
A mature man was driving him to his neighborhood, even though it wasn't very close to where he was going. San had his charm, after all. Needless to say, San was a sight for sore eyes to him. San took the opportunity.
A few smiles, a confident look, and his hair pulled slightly back were enough to tickle the stomach of the slim man who was driving calmly. San's neighborhood was a few kilometers from his final destination, but he would do this favor for San since he was being so pleasant and handsome.
Upon seeing the sign indicating the location, the car stopped and San got out, thanking him for the ride.
“Thank you, Mr. Davenport.” San leaned on the driver's side window with an arm. “And have a good trip.”
“You're welcome, dear…” Mr. Davenport said, flustering and blushing shyly for a man his age, San's smile made him feel like a flirtatious teenager. “I hope everything goes well with your parents, they must miss you.”
“They're in for quite a surprise.” He smiled at the lie he'd told in the car the man had mentioned.
San talked through the whole way, reluctantly, feeling the urge to push him out of the moving car and drive himself. However, it would be too much work, and at the moment, he just wanted to get there quickly. So, he said he was going to visit his parents unexpectedly, as he hadn't seen them in a while. And, well, part of it was true…
He walked away from the vehicle and the man drove off, oblivious to the reality.
San looked around. Much remained the same, some things were different, renovated, others simply seemed to no longer exist. But still, everything seemed very familiar.
He put his backpack on one shoulder and started walking. His house was a little further away from the houses in the neighborhood, so he carefully observed his surroundings as he made his way. He hoped it hadn't been auctioned off or something like that.
After some minutes, as he passed a certain street, San began to see everything he knew so well from when he was just a teenager, like he was walking back to that time. Nothing had changed there.
Then, he heard a voice:
“San? Is that really you?” He stopped walking, he knew who it was even before turning around.
“Long time no see, Wooyoung.” San replied without much emotion.
“Back from the dead?” Wooyoung joked, smiling as he approached. His hair was longer than San was used to seeing, his bangs falling over his eyes and a few strands framing his face.
“Just back from custody.” San replied, his words vague.
Wooyoung was San's second closest friend, with whom he used to hang out and drink on the sly, play games, or just get up to boyish things.
The two also studied at the same school; it was a shock to Wooyoung when he learned that San had been taken by the police, equally unaware of the dark events.
Seeing him again in such an unexpected way was like turning on a light in the depths of his mind, rescuing memories. For him, it was good to see San.
San maintained his calm and composed demeanor, without much ceremony. His expression was neutral, not interpreted negatively by his old friend, despite hiding his complete indifference. However, a hint of interest arose subtly, after all, if Wooyoung still lived around, it meant he knew things that had happened during San's absence.
He could ask about you.
But first, he would go to his old house.
“Hey, man, uhm—” Wooyoung began, uncertain whether he should bring up the subject or not. “Are you okay? I mean, it's just that, the last time I heard from you, well… your father…”
“I'm fine.” San finally said, noticing his friend's struggle formulating the sentence, disconcerted by touching on a subject that, for anyone, was delicate and very complicated. But, for San, what happened was just natural. He felt nothing about it. Not about his father. “I'm going home now.”
“Are you serious? You’re going back there?” Wooyoung didn’t mean to sound nosy or bothersome, but he couldn’t control himself. Why would anyone go back to that house?At least, he wouldn't.
“Yeah, I will. It's been a while, hasn't it?” San said, showing Wooyoung a relaxed smile. “And besides, it's still my house. All my stuff is in there. I think…”
“Dude, you're crazy.” Wooyoung said at last, chuckling softly.
San continued walking, Wooyoung now beside him. The two talked about old times, Wooyoung feeling nostalgic after seeing his friend again, remembering how much fun they used to have, teasing San about how terrible he was with girls.
“I mean, not with all of them. You and y/n were inseparable.” Finally, he brought up the subject. It was San's cue to ask.
“We were good friends,” he smiled slightly. “It was good to have a girl like her around. I wonder where she is now…”
“Ah, y/n is in college, man. Unlike us losers, she got good grades.” Wooyoung replied, indifferent to the life you led, but a spark ignited in San’s eyes upon hearing the answer. “I heard it’s not very far from here. She comes home every weekend, I’ve seen her a few times at Will’s convenience store.”
“College, huh? I’m not surprised. She really always was a nerd.” Wooyoung laughed.
“But what about you? Man, you’re huge. All buff. What have you been up to?” His friend asked, amused, noticing San’s clear physical transformation. He was more muscular now, his arms and shoulders seemed to have tripled in size, his chest broad and voluminous, visible by the thin layer of clothing he wore. His silhouette was robust and defined. Wooyoung was amazed.
“I’ve been exercising a lot, it was great for keeping my time and mind occupied.” He was honest for the first time in a while. “But, in addition to that, I did some extracurricular activities. I finished high school remotely, I never imagined that was possible. They made me learn some other things too, like literature and mechanics.”
San's years in the detention center weren't just about grueling sessions with psychiatrists and sunbathing. Because it dealt with juvenile offenders, the system encompassed a series of programs to rehabilitate and occupy the boys. Of course, not everything was effective, but the state couldn't neglect the boys’s education and activities like any other youth.
San was compelled to finish school, as he didn't have many alternatives inside, and besides, he earned points for it. Afterwards, he participated in support and learning groups, where he had literature and English classes. He read quite a few books in the library there, thanks to that.
Finally, San dedicated himself to technical activities. He learned the basics of electricity, mechanics, and cooking. It wasn't exactly in-depth learning, but he strove to absorb as much as he could, after all, he didn't want to extract only the superficial. When he was alone with items he stole from the rooms, he experimented on his own to see what he could do and how physics could work. It wasn't much, but it was enough given the limitations he faced while imprisoned in that place.
The two continued chatting casually until they reached San's destination.
The house was abandoned, overgrown with weeds, revealing its neglect and lack of maintenance. The wooden beams were stained and dusty. Police tape was still scattered on the floor in some places.
As they approached the house, a strong smell of mold invaded the nostrils of both men. Wooyoung grimaced, feeling the unpleasant odor bother his senses. San took another step forward, checking the doorknob. It didn't open immediately, leading him to believe it was locked, but with some force, the door opened, spilling a little dust.
Wooyoung waved his hands, trying to get rid of the particles flying towards them, and the smell of mold intensified after the door was opened.
“Are you really going in there? Don’t tell me you can stand this smell.” Wooyoung pulled at the collar of his shirt, dramatically covering his nose, while frowning in discomfort.
“I already said, I still live here. It won’t stay like this for long, now there’s someone to take care of this place and… tidy it up.” San said, shrugging as he walked ahead. The house was dark, some things were out of place, probably because of some police inspection on the day of the crime.
Dust covered every corner, some cobwebs hung between the walls, making the air even more unpleasant. All the windows were closed, which accentuated the strong smell. Bloodstains were still visible on the floor, after all, the police and detectives weren’t going to clean it up, they weren’t working on that.
Wooyoung felt his stomach churn, he didn’t feel good seeing stains that were part of the bodily fluids of someone he knew had been murdered in cold blood. To him, it seemed too explicit, and he didn’t like that. “What’s wrong with you? Don’t be a wimp.” San questioned when his friend looked away, running a hand over his forehead.
The same Wooyoung who used to secretly drink with money stolen from San’s father, bother younger children, get into trouble with guys who they thought were losers, hunt birds and innocent small animals with him, having no idea of his childhood friend’s true nature. “You didn’t used to be so cowardly when we hung out together.”
While Wooyoung simply enjoyed a poorly supervised boyhood, doing things that reckless and poorly educated boys do, San did it for other reasons. He did it because of a sick nature. He didn’t think he was rebelling. He always felt he was doing what was natural for him: satisfying his impulses, something he couldn’t yet explain or understand at that time.
But now, he understood. He felt no remorse for anything, quite the opposite, it was refreshing to be able to do whatever he wanted. All of that came from a deep place, fueling his being with the desire to fulfill his personal interests. It made him feel good.
“Man, we were just kids. It’s not the same now, I—I don’t like this stuff, I mean, it doesn’t seem very cool to see things like this now. Just look at this blood…”
The blood was already dry, mostly absorbed, its opacity was faint, so its color was almost brownish. However, a rug that was also part of the living room was no longer there. Possibly taken by the police since it also contained blood.
“Dude, what the hell happened to your dad?” Wooyoung finally asked, he had been dying to know ever since he saw San again.
San looked at him cautiously. For someone who didn't know San and had a more critical and analytical eye, adding up all the mannerisms and lack of emotion the man showed when dealing with a memory that would be traumatic for anyone, it wouldn't be difficult to conclude that San certainly wasn't acting like a normal person.
Perhaps they wouldn't see him as a psychopath right away, but they certainly wouldn't think everything was alright with him. That wasn't the case for Wooyoung. The younger man harbored a feeling of nostalgia and affection for his childhood friend, San's demeanor didn't seem much different from what he already knew and had become used to in the past. So, for Wooyoung, it was just his old friend being himself. Nothing suspicious.
"It seems he owed money to loan sharks." He lied shamelessly, while putting his hands in his pockets, examining the stained wood. "They followed him here to my house and… you know the rest."
"You—you saw everything?" Wooyoung swallowed hard, feeling empathy for his friend, wondering how difficult it must have been to live through something similar.
“No. He was already dead when I arrived.” He lied once more.
“I’m so sorry about that, San. I didn’t imagine the problems at your house were worse than they seemed.” Poor Wooyoung was being honest. Being in that place didn’t make him feel good.
San looked at him for a few seconds, his face remaining neutral, unwavering. “Thank you, Woo.”
His friend smiled sweetly at the old nickname. He squeezed San’s shoulder lightly, massaging his thumb where it met his neck.
“You need to clean this house, look at all these cobwebs! I bet it’s full of cockroaches too. Where there are spiders, there are other insects. Wow, your room must be full of them, how much do you want to bet?” Breaking the tension a little, Wooyoung changed the subject, playfully teasing his friend.
“I bet your underwear you don’t have the nerve to come upstairs and see for yourself,” San joked back.
“Thanks, pass.” Wooyoung walked away, laughing. He really didn’t want to deal with that mess, even though he was happy to see San again. Especially because of the cockroaches. A tiny one was already visible as it emerged from what seemed to be the kitchen. “It was good to see you, San. Let’s meet up more often. See you around.”
And with that, he left, saying goodbye and leaving San behind as he made his way back to where he was.
San took another look around, it really was quite dirty. He wasn't in the mood to do a thorough cleaning right now, but it would be necessary. The accumulation of dust bothered him.
He dropped his backpack on the floor, not caring if it got dirty, and rolled up his sleeves. He would clean that place for the first time in years. After all, he intended to stay there until things started working as he planned.
∴❧.·:¨¨:·.♡.·:¨¨:·. ☙.·:¨ ¨:·.-`♡´-.·:¨ ¨:·. ❧.·:¨ ¨:·.♡.·:¨ ¨:·.❧∴
You left the campus alongside Hongjoong and Seonghwa, massaging your temples. The financial management professor had been especially annoying and grumpy in class today. And, noticing that you and your two friends seemed distracted and far from the lesson, he chose you to torment throughout the class.
Hongjoong noticed your momentary stress and placed a hand on your shoulders, giving a light squeeze, letting his fingertips gently press against your skin in a rotating motion, in an attempt to snap you out of it.
You looked at him, smiling with your lips gently pressed together, thanking him with your eyes for being so thoughtful.
“I’m hungry,” Seonghwa said. “Why don’t we go to that Japanese food stall? I could get some katsu right now.” he suggested, and you and Hongjoong agreed.
Your stomach rumbled subtly at the mention of food, you were hungry too, and something tasty would be nice right now, especially to ease your tension.
The place wasn’t too far away, a few streets later, soon the three of you were in front of the small shop, placing your orders, your stomachs eagerly waiting as you sat down.
Hongjoong stretched his arm over the top of the chair, allowing Seonghwa to lean on it and rest his head on the curve of his shoulder, earning a kiss from the redhead on his hair.
You rested your elbows on the table, sighing as you remembered the week of exams that was about to begin. Your nerves would always be on edge whenever you were about to have a test, no matter how hard you tried to shake off the thought, your mind would always wander back to the same point, and your anxiety would increase.
It wasn't that you had a hard time getting good grades, nor did you have many problems studying. But still, you were always stressed about it, worried too much about maintaining a high average and having a good performance due to the preassure of being perfect and keep the good daughter role.
“I can see smoke coming out of your head from here, y/n. Jeez, relax, classes are over for today.” Seonghwa said, trying to wake you from your thoughts. “Let's have fun this weekend, Joshua said his roommate is throwing a party on Saturday.”
“I'm not sure, I need to s-“
“No, not the studying excuses!” It was Hongjoong's turn to speak to you. “You're always studying, it won't hurt to go to a party with us for just one day.”
“Anyone listening to you would think I don't hang out with you guys. So dramatic.” You retorted humorously.
“Not as much as we'd like.” Seonghwa teased. “It’ll do you good to go out and have fun before your exams, it’ll help you relax a bit. You’ll see.”
The three of you chatted a little more, your two friends helping you relieve your tension and clear your mind of things outside of class, until the order finally arrived at the table.
The tonkatsu at that place was delicious, the pork seasoning had a very pleasant taste and it was so tender. You savored the food enthusiastically, letting the taste take over your senses, releasing dopamine as the combination of rice, omelet, and fried pork blended with the sauce and numbed your mouth.
Despite not feeling like partying, Seonghwa was right. You needed to have fun, and after some more conversation, you agreed to go with them.
“That’s what I’m talking about,” Seonghwa commented after swallowing, making you laugh.
∴❧.·:¨¨:·.♡.·:¨¨:·. ☙.·:¨ ¨:·.-`♡´-.·:¨ ¨:·. ❧.·:¨ ¨:·.♡.·:¨ ¨:·.❧∴
Wooyoung was right. There were more roaches hiding than San could count.
Upon going upstairs to his room, San found it just like the living room was, completely covered in dust, small insects, and cobwebs in the corners of the walls. The lack of care and daily maintenance of the house had left the rooms covered in mold and dirt, the smell was unbearable upstairs because it was much more enclosed.
It wasn't as if it had been spotless before, San's father didn't take care of anything, and San did so little. Some things were almost familiar, if it weren't for the lack of control the house was now in.
To be honest, he didn't have much patience for cleaning and washing, but it was what he had to do at the moment, since he would need to use that place and it was the least he could do if it were decent.
He started with the living room, sweeping and cleaning what he could. There were no cleaning products, except for those left behind years ago, past their expiration date. He would have to buy new ones, but he was out of money. And speaking of money, he would also need to find a job. Whatever it was, he just needed to get one quickly.
He removed the old sheets covering some of the furniture, using them to scrub the surfaces, even though it wasn't enough to clean them completely. He turned on the kitchen sink tap, and the water flowed, drawn in slowly due to his lack of habit, until it finally flowed normally.
San used the water to dampen an old cloth and clean some furniture, starting with the kitchen, then the bathroom, and then the bedrooms. The living room had a lot of wood and upholstery, so it wasn't possible to use water on anything. Upstairs, San cleaned with the same zeal, albeit superficially, creating a pile of roaches and other small dead insects as he swept the floor and left a heap to pick up with the dustpan.
It was tiring, but he did what he could to make the place minimally decent to stay in. The next day, he would find a way to get some cleaning products to clean more efficiently and remove some stains, especially those in the living room. And also to stop the strong smell of mold.
By the end of the chores, the sky was already darkening, and San realized that the lights weren't working, except for the one in the kitchen. He would have to get new lightbulbs too.
He was tired. Tired and completely filthy.
San went to the downstairs bathroom, took off his clothes, and stood in the tub, letting the shower water run over his body and wash away the droplets of sweat. He didn't care much about the cold water and the rust on the showerhead, the drain, and the curtain rods.
All the while, his mind wandered to only one place: you.
He longed to see you again, to know how you were, what you were doing, how you'd been while he was away.
If you thought of him as he thought of you, if you missed him too. And what if you had a boyfriend? He squirmed at the thought of such a possibility. But if that were the case, he wouldn't let that keep him away from you. He would fight.
He had trouble falling asleep, his mind wandering through all the reactions you could have upon seeing him again. And especially how you would feel about him after so many years apart.
San woke up lazily, still sleepy, but noises startled him out of bed. Within seconds, he could make out Wooyoung's voice calling for him. His friend knocked on the door at first, but since no one answered, he went to the side of San's room by the window, which he knew very well.
San went downstairs, his body still sleepy and begging him to go back to bed, but he decided he would answer Wooyoung.
"I can't believe it!" Yunho exclaimed when the door opened and he saw his old friend appear in front of him.
"I told you, man, he's back!" Wooyoung said from beside him, excitedly.
"So, the ladies out there have a reason to drag me out of bed?" San spoke, crossing his arms as he leaned against the doorframe.
“Choi fucking San, aren’t you going to greet your friend Yunho?” The tall, slender man approached, giving San a light tap on the shoulder, who rolled his eyes and smiled. “I can’t believe you’re back here, man, I would never—”
“Dude!” Wooyoung hissed to Yunho, worried that San hadn’t recovered enough to talk about it so openly yet, after all, he didn’t know how his friend was really feeling about the past events in his life.
“I mean, sorry, I…”
“Cut it out.” San interrupted, showing himself to be humorous, aware of the two’s awkwardness. He also didn’t want his friends to mention it every time they saw him. Despite everything, it wasn’t like he liked them bringing up that topic. “Don’t you guys have anything better to do on a Saturday morning? I thought you would have girlfriends by now.”
“Wow, look who’s sharp. Our San is still as tough as ever.” Yunho laughed at his teasing. “Wooyoungie and I didn’t have much success dating in our last experiences, we’re just having fun for now.”
“In fact,” Wooyoung said. “There’s a uni party today, you should come with us. This campus has a lot of hotties!”
Considering that San didn’t have much to do at the moment, besides his need to pick up what he’d left behind and didn’t want to lose, he considered that he should accept going out with his friends. After all, it would be beneficial for him to be with other people and analyze their behavior in such a different environment, especially Wooyoung’s and Yunho’s.
He knew he should stick with them, since he was alone in that place.
“But who invited you guys? Wooyoung didn’t tell me you were in college,” San asked curiously.
“Actually, we’re not. At least not anymore. We already have degrees, many years have passed since we entered community college.” Yunho explained.
San couldn’t help but feel freezed in time. He was caught at thirteen and only left the detention center after much effort to avoid being considered a psychopath. What took years off him, considering he was already in the middle of his twenties.
But he didn't let the spark that feeling ignited shine in his eyes for long, quickly shaking it off, maintaining his best pose.
“And you still go to college parties?” San laughed, genuinely intrigued.
Yunho and Wooyoung exchanged roguish smiles, letting a layer of lust paint their faces. “We're telling you, San. We don't know what's up with this campus, but the hottest girls always show up there. They love to play innocent, but they get nasty at these parties, you have to check it out.”
The corners of San's lips curved dangerously into a smile that wandered between excitement and curiosity, with a touch of desire.
“Say less.”
∴❧.·:¨¨:·.♡.·:¨¨:·. ☙.·:¨ ¨:·.-`♡´-.·:¨ ¨:·. ❧.·:¨ ¨:·.♡.·:¨ ¨:·.❧∴
“I thought this party was thrown by your friend Joshua’s roommate, Hwa!” you exclaimed, the noise of the music and voices in the crowd drowning out every sound you made.
You weren’t disappointed, but you expected something less than that, since you pictured it would be a simple party among acquaintances. In reality, the party was a fraternity one, and an absurd number of bodies moved between the inside and outside, people you’d never seen on campus before drinking and dancing, while your two friends pulled you further and further inside.
“Well, I forgot to mention they’re from a fraternity. But it doesn’t make much difference, does it?” He joked, and you saw Hongjoong go to a table and fill cups with drinks.
He handed them to you and Seonghwa, getting close to your ear so the loud noise wouldn’t bother you. “Let’s not think about anything tonight, let’s have fun and get laid.”
“It’s so easy for you, you have Seonghwa!” You replied humorously, taking a sip from your cup, and Hongjoong shrugged.
“It’s the same thing. But seriously, you have to get laid, how long has it been since you got off?” He teased you with a playful look, and Seonghwa lightly tapped his shoulder, warning him, but laughing.
“Joong, leave her alone.”
“You know what, I really should get laid today. Maybe it’ll bring me good luck for the exams, I think I deserve some.” You admitted, seeing Seonghwa look at you with a careful touch, wanting to make sure you were right and doing it for yourself, without resentment.
“You make me so proud!” Hongjoong said, placing his hand on his chest theatrically, making you laugh.
“It’s so hot in here!” You spoke, noticing that the place was very crowded, some people bumping into each other due to the increasingly scarce space, causing the ambient temperature to rise even though the weather was pleasant.
“Come on, let’s stay outside until you find someone cute.” Hongjoong pulled your hand and Seonghwa’s hand to the lawn.
As people came and went, you let yourself be distracted by the alcoholic beverage going down your throat, allowing your body to relax and your mind to switch off from anything other than the music and your friends entertaining you.
∴❧.·:¨¨:·.♡.·:¨¨:·. ☙.·:¨ ¨:·.-`♡´-.·:¨ ¨:·. ❧.·:¨ ¨:·.♡.·:¨ ¨:·.❧∴
A car arrived and parked a little distant from where you were. Yunho, who was driving, stopped the vehicle and his friends got out. Wooyoung and San were accompanied by another person, Yeosang, who was Yunho’s friend and worked at the supermarket in the center of the neighborhood.
Usually Yeosang didn’t follow the guys to these uni parties, he didn’t think he was into that anymore. However, they said it was a special occasion because of San, so he gave in.
When the four of them got out of the car, Wooyoung scanned the whole place with his eyes, looking pleased with the crowd and the loud music. He soon spotted a group of drunk friends, including some girls, which brought a smile to his face, and he nudged San.
“Look at this, what did I tell you? These girls wait all week to turn into real bimbos.” He said, putting his arm around San's shoulder, pulling him closer so he could look in the same direction.
San liked to drink and hang out with friends, it was something he did frequently during his boyhood, even if recklessly. Most of the time, he liked to do strange things. He liked throwing stones at small animals, birds, and observing how they would get hurt. He liked fighting with other boys and hitting them, watching them get bruised. He liked hitting boys even smaller than him, watching how they would cry and feel scared.
Wooyoung and Yunho didn't always do things with him, he quickly realized that some of his interests only pleased him. Wooyoung and Yunho constantly teased some girls to get their attention, which San also liked. What he disliked was the way they looked at him, as if they could see all his sins and weird pastimes through his irises. He felt subjugated.
Some would give in, and Wooyoung would invite them to hang out after class. He tried to pair up his friends too, the problem was that the girl who would end up with San never liked him.
This made his blood boil, making him feel rejected and pathetic. But it wasn't exactly their fault. San wasn't very sociable when it came to girls, adding to the fact that he didn't know how to navigate through the female world. They didn't react like his friends, they didn't like the same things, and consequently, San wasn't very popular with them.
Over time, he only nurtured a frustration with this rejection. Only when Wooyoung convinced him to go to Yunho's house and play seven minutes in heaven did he have his first kiss. And it was with a girl he found utterly disgusting. But he made good use of his time anyway.
However, he felt more comfortable when he was with you. It was as if San was in a comfortable enough place to seek validation without fear, so he wasn't rude or bullying towards you. He didn't feel like doing other things when he was with you, he didn't feel the desire to provoke reactions or do what he usually did.
He felt light. He learned to deal with you when he couldn't deal with any other girl.
The dynamic between you two was different from his friendships with the boys. You were sweet, calm, and had no problem talking about anything with him, praising him for being a good listener. Of course, he had no idea how to reciprocate your conversations, so it was easier to listen than to speak. It wasn't as easy as it was with Wooyoung and Yunho.
But you didn't seem to mind.
An affectionate relationship developed between you two, where the affection you offered seemed to fill the void San felt, enough for him to always want to keep you close.
He wanted more each moment, and the more you gave, the more he seemed to need you to survive. It was like a drug.
He didn't think he would survive the years in the detention center. At some point, after some time imprisoned, he mustered the courage to think about you in other ways. He had been thinking about it, but before, guilt gnawed at him as if he were defiling a holy image, feeling horrible for picturing you in such a corrupted way.
But his body felt the need. Every cell felt utterly deprived, needing stimulation to function properly. He couldn't help it, and soon, he masturbated every night while thinking about you. While he wished you were the one who had kissed him. That you were the one he could touch in that moment.
With his body growing and maturing, he no longer wanted just tender feelings, he wanted more, he wanted it carnally. He no longer cared about fantasizing about you, now it was natural. He no longer worried about corrupting you, it seemed right. He knew that he needed to get out of there and find you.
You were the missing piece in his life; he couldn't let you slip through his fingers. He would strive and make it all worthwhile. He would find you again, and then you would realize as well that you were destined to be together. You belonged to him, just as he belonged to you. You only needed to see him again, and he would make you understand.
However, in custody since he was thirteen, in a place full of other strange boys and men who would spend their years there until they were transferred to life in prison, San remained a virgin. He felt truly frustrated.
Even if you were all he could think about, he was still a man with needs and felt his pride wounded. He felt curious and wanted to explore his masculine side.
Some of the boys detained with San seemed much more advanced in this aspect. Even so young, their lives were marked by precocious actions, especially sexuality. Some of them even had relations with each other, San had peeked at some of them at night.
But he didn't feel like doing the same with those boys. He didn't feel his body react as it did when he touched himself thinking about the softness of your skin.
He tried. He let a boy touch him secretly at night, stimulate his body and show him the things San could do to feel good. He tried to touch back. He tried to fuck him.
But it didn't work. He wasn't capable, and it angered him even more, for having been so vulnerable and failed, showing all his shame to someone who looked at him with disdain, judging him like those high school girls.
So, San gave in to his impulses again.
The next day, the boy's body was found by the morning shift guard. The security cameras were all checked, but San wasn't found guilty, nor was any suspicion raised about him. The location was a blind spot. The night shift policeman neglected his duties to get off with a nurse.
He was fired, and San got away with it.
But now, San was free, and there were several women. As Wooyoung said, bimbos, drunk and easy enough to do whatever San wanted and needed. It would be his opportunity.
He observed some girls passing by the group, checking some out. He tried to remain neutral and with an indifferent facial expression, fearing that people might read through him and know that he was a virgin.
"Let's go inside and get drinks, I want to get wasted tonight!" Wooyoung exclaimed and pushed his friends toward the entrance, which was crowded with people.
∴❧.·:¨¨:·.♡.·:¨¨:·. ☙.·:¨ ¨:·.-`♡´-.·:¨ ¨:·. ❧.·:¨ ¨:·.♡.·:¨ ¨:·.❧∴
After a few more drinks, Hongjoong and Seonghwa were already a bit drunk and flirty. You were still on your second cup, not feeling very high, in fact, you weren't feeling any effects yet. But your friends' flirtatious jokes made your cheeks blush.
"If you're too lazy to find someone, we have some space left for you, sweetie." Seonghwa joked while Hongjoong kissed his ear. They both smiled at your embarrassed expression, amused by how easy it was to tease you.
"Why blush so much? We know what you're capable of, y/n… Well, at least I do." Hongjoong spoke this time, making you roll your eyes and finish your drink in one gulp.
"You're drunk, Joong." The effect of the alcohol made him laugh exaggeratedly, Seonghwa joining in. He knew he made you flustered when he mentioned the past. "You guys are gross." You teased with a smirk, never getting used to how intimate and touchy the couple got when drunk.
“What? Don’t be a goody-two-shoes, y/n, it’s good to spice things up once in a while.” Seonghwa shamelessly flaunted the kisses Hongjoong was tracing down his neck. “Haven’t you ever tried anything different?”
“You guys are going to make me throw up. You know what? I’m getting out of here and going to get more drinks inside.” You didn’t stay to hear your friends’ response, but you could hear Seonghwa saying ‘did you bring protection?’ as you walked away, letting out a nasal laugh.
Upon entering the house again, makeshift lights flashed at different frequencies and colors, the room was bathed in red light that glowed when the leds flashed. You let the music carry you to the center, where people danced to the rhythm.
It wasn’t that you were a prude, but you weren’t as easily carried away as your friends. They were more brazen and experienced, didn't care about certain things, and were cooler than you. For Hongjoong and Seonghwa, it was easier.
You could count on your fingers how many quick flings and one-night stands you'd had since losing your virginity. Most weren't very nice, so you just accepted that casual relationships weren't your thing, however, tonight you were going to allow yourself. Not because your friends wanted to, you knew they would never force you into anything, quite the opposite, they never did anything you weren't comfortable with.
Hongjoong especially. You trusted him like no one else. Having him in your life was very important, especially because he took care of you for a long time, when you were still a naive girl, easily fooled by any boy in college. He never let you do anything you would regret.
He became a caring figure towards you, and this had stirred up many confusing feelings. Perhaps that's why you trusted him with your first time. But you would never regret it. You two were cool about it nowadays, no hard feelings, no resentment.
Even though he teased you and enjoyed your reactions, your friends were people you could count on for anything, they would be there to comfort and support you. They knew your limits, never crossing any lines.
Freeing your mind from any worries, you closed your eyes and let your body float with the music, in order to immerse yourself in intoxication and let your systems carry you forward, without worrying about anything.
The rhythm of the music was intense, but the beats of the melody were enough to guide you as you slowly moved your body. When you opened your eyes, you noticed that Seonghwa and Hongjoong had also joined in and were on the dance floor, their bodies pressed together as one. You chuckled, until you felt a presence behind you, which wasn't just another person bumping into someone due to lack of space.
You turned around and a tall man with dyed hair and tattoos was watching you with a flirtatious expression. He didn't say anything initially, just followed your movements with his body, getting into the rhythm of your dance, and you allowed it, drawn to the feline look he gave you.
“What a beautiful kitty we have in here…” oh my God, so cheesy.
The music changed and now played a more lively and vibrant melody, different from the previous one. He smiled when he saw you hesitate, thinking for a few milliseconds about how to move your body to the rhythm now.
Taking advantage of the cue, he began to dance closer to your body, bringing his lips close to your ear:
“How come I've never seen you around here before?” he asked, daring to slide one hand down the side of your body, resting on your waist.
“I don’t usually party,” you replied, your bodies pressed together, your back brushing against his chest as you moved, and you turned your face to look at him as you spoke. “I’m a little shy…”
“Shy?” He wanted to reply that you didn’t seem very shy now, but he held back. Maybe you wouldn’t like it and would push him away. “What do you think about getting something to drink, then? We can loosen up a bit more.”
With a dry throat and wanting to let more alcohol flood your system, you agreed and allowed yourself to be led to the kitchen, where other people were making themselves drinks and filling their cups.
He leaned you against the countertop, while he grabbed a bottle of tequila and poured a shot, offering it to you and pouring another for himself.
You downed it, your eyes narrowing at the way the drink went down your throat.
The man in front of you moved closer, standing side-by-side with you on the counter, putting an arm around your shoulders. He filled the glasses with another shot, which you downed along with him.
You talked a little more, but the man beside you simply wasn't interesting enough. He was handsome, you couldn't deny that, but the conversation didn't flow well. Even with the alcohol, you no longer felt on the same wavelength as him and, like a great downhill slide, you no longer wanted to have sex with him.
Maybe it was because the chatting was bad, maybe it was because he wanted to rush things a little too much when he touched you, maybe it was because he insisted on making you drink shots when you didn't want to get drunk with a stranger.
“Oh, what's wrong? We're at a party, we should drink!” He said and filled the cup again. You refused and pushed the cup away, as he tried to bring it to your mouth with his own hands.
“I'm fine.” You said, and he frowned as you moved away from the counter.
“What's wrong with you? We were just fine a few minutes ago.” He questioned, seeming annoyed with you.
“Sorry, I think I need to find my friends—”
He pulled your arm as you tried to leave, making you widen your eyes at him, triggering a major alarm.
“Your friends are probably out there in someone’s bed, not caring about you. I’m here, so why don’t you stop being a bitch and start being nice to me, huh?!” His words made your nerves sting, a rage growing inside you. Before you could process it, your hand had already slammed his face.
He looked at you incredulously.
“You…”
You flinched and tried to free your arm from his grip, at which point he raised his free hand and glared at you with fury in his eyes.
But your eyes caught a quick and effective action, taking a moment for your brain to piece things together and observe what had happened.
The man was hit by a bottle, which shattered on his head due to the strong impact, causing him to fall to the ground and become a mess amidst shards of glass and alcohol that spilled from the now broken bottle, startling you with the realization, eliciting a small scream from your throat.
From afar, Wooyoung surveyed every inch of the place, not wanting to grab the drink that was on the living room table. There was jungle juice and some other drinks made by the students, but he didn't want those. He wanted to go straight to the kitchen, where more bottles of alcohol would be waiting for him.
He wanted to drink something strong.
That's when San heard an agitated voice in the back, and his curiosity made him look in the direction of the sound. And then, he saw you.
Suddenly, the earth stopped spinning and everything around him froze. He no longer heard the music and didn't notice any other girl anymore. His heart intensified its beating, and San almost swore his chest would burst from how hard it was pounding.
You were next to a man, and he was grabbing your arm while yelling. San's body stiffened. His vision darkened. And he went impulsive again.
Without calculating his moves, he stepped away from the group and hurried towards the kitchen, which was illuminated by a fluorescent lamp, making you very visible.
He grabbed the first bottle he saw and smashed it with all his might over the man's head, who had raised his hand to hit you, throwing him to the ground.
You were stunned by the situation, soon the attention of those nearby turned to you and the man lying on the floor, struggling to get up due to dizziness and pain in his head.
Hongjoong and Seonghwa appeared immediately, they were still like lovebirds on the dance floor and heard the commotion and noticed you in the middle of the chaos.
“Are you okay? What happened?” Hongjoong asked, his gaze shifting between you, the injured man, and San.
“I-I…” you stuttered, but when your vision of the man in front of you finally became clear enough and the adrenaline coursing through your body subsided, you finally understood who it was.
And you were in shock.
“You…” your lips went weak, you didn’t know why you felt so disoriented, but at the moment it seemed like too much to process.
“Y/n.” San spoke calmly, and your eyes widened. It wasn’t a mirage or the effect of alcohol, it was him. You wouldn’t be mistaken, you weren’t confusing him, because he hadn’t changed at all. It was like seeing a ghost from the past, exactly as he was before, except he just got taller and muscular. But you would never mistake that face.
“San… San, you…” the words jumbled in your mind, you couldn’t form a sentence, looking silly in front of everyone, while your friends were confused.
“Y/n, should we be worried about these men?” Seonghwa whispered to your ear, cautiously. Hongjoong analyzed the scene with a questioning look on his face, but took a step forward, standing between you and San.
The only thing that prevented San from pushing him out of his field of vision was the man he had hit earlier, who struggled to his feet and picked up a large shard of glass from the floor.
“What’s your fucking problem, you son of a bitch?” He brandished the sharp glass at San, staggering slightly, completely enraged.
Wooyoung, Yunho, and Yeosang approached San, the first of them grabbing his arm. “San, what the hell is this?”
“He tried to hit me!” You spoke and pointed to the man from before, moving and placing yourself next to San again. “He didn’t like it when I tried to get away from him, San helped me before he could hurt me.”
The men’s eyes wandered over the man soaked in alcohol and the shard of glass he was holding.
“Let go, man, don’t make this harder.” Hongjoong spoke cautiously. Inside, he was furious, and felt a little guilty for leaving you alone since things hadn’t ended very well.
“Fuck you, you fucking fag’!” The man roared, earning a furious glare from Hongjoong and Seonghwa. He turned to San again, approaching dangerously. “Who do you think you are, you idiot? I’ll fucking kill you!”but before anyone could act and separate them, San surprised him by hitting him once more, this time with the sharp part of what remained of the bottle in his hands.
You covered your mouth in shock, and Hongjoong pulled you back protectively.
The spilled alcohol that soaked the man’s skin mixed with the blood that San had just drawn from him by plunging the glass into his flesh, tearing and opening a wound.
Wooyoung pulled San back along with Yunho and Yeosang, preventing him from going any further in the fight. The man was defeated, and that was enough, they didn't want the night to be ruined.
Some other guys pulled the man out of the house, some asking if he was alright and saying he needed to go to a hospital. But, finally, the fight was over, and people turned their attention back to the party, spreading out again throughout the house.
San, however, didn't take his eyes off you. To him, everything around him became a blur, and you were the only thing clear in his sight.
His gaze was magnetic, you couldn't look away.
“I shouldn’t have left you alone…” Hongjoong said, snapping you out of your trance, while Seonghwa hugged you by the shoulders, wanting to get you away from there.
“Wait. Just a moment, please?” You asked your friends, and moved away until you were inches from San.
“Sannie…” something in San trembled at hearing the nickname called out again by your lips. “I-is it really you?” You knew it was a silly question. But you needed San to open his mouth and confirm it one hundred percent.
“Yes, y/n. It’s me…” he softened his expression, letting the tips of his eyebrows droop, and his eyes became like a pleading puppy.
Around them, your friends looked confused, and San’s friends held back the urge to tease him, seeing him so disheveled in front of his childhood friend, except for Yeosang, who was seeing them all for the first time that night.
“I thought I’d never see you again.” You spoke in a whisper, sincere. So many years had passed that, for a little girl who was beginning to mature, you were certain he wouldn't show up again.
“I think our San is already very well established, why don't we leave him alone?” Wooyoung said to the boys, who agreed and moved away, letting San stay in your company, even though you weren't completely alone. Hongjoong and Seonghwa watched attentively, refusing to leave your side.
“Never is way too much time, isn’t it?” He said awkwardly, and you chuckled. “Yeah, quite a bit of time has passed. But here we are…”
“I—Wow, I don't even know what to say, I definitely didn't expect to see you tonight.” You ran a hand through your hair.
“Do you want to get out of here and talk?” San asked, putting his hands in his pockets, and you glanced quickly at Hongjoong and Seonghwa.
They both seemed apprehensive about the previous events. They were just worried.
“Just a minute!” You went to your friends, getting a disapproving look before you even started speaking.
“You want to go out alone again in the company of a guy who started a fight? Absolutely not.” Hongjoong was direct and incisive.
“No, you don’t understand! He defended me, he didn’t start the fight, he just… please, it won’t be long.” Hongjoong and Seonghwa exchanged glances, they didn’t want you to be naive and get into trouble.
Finally, Hongjoong sighed and agreed. “But we’ll stay nearby waiting for you, okay?”
They might seem overbearing, but they were just doing what they thought was right. They knew that a girl alone in the middle of a party with alcohol could be disastrous. Knowing that just a few minutes ago you were assaulted was enough to make them act this way. They were being responsible for their girl friend.
“We won’t be long, I promise.”
San looked at your friends, confused. Why did you need their permission to be with him? His eyes quickly darkened, intrigued by those two men who seemed to be monitoring you.
You never needed anyone’s opinion to talk to San, why would you need it now?
And why would it be quick? Didn’t you want to spend time with him?
San soon began to feel a mix of emotions hitting him hard, looking at you analytically now.
Were you still the same Y/n he knew?
∴❧.·:¨¨:·.♡.·:¨¨:·. ☙.·:¨ ¨:·.-`♡´-.·:¨ ¨:·. ❧.·:¨ ¨:·.♡.·:¨ ¨:·.❧∴
