Love Is Blind: Chapter Fourteen
Chris frowned as he received a message from the doorman that he had a guest downstairs. He saved the work he was doing on his laptop, grabbed his house keys and left to the front lobby. He tried to hide his shock as he saw Robyn standing by the front desk. He walked over to her, “Robyn. What are you doing here?”
“I figured a few weeks was long enough for us to figure ourselves out. Can we talk?”
“Sure. You could’ve just come upstairs.”
“I’d figured I’d save myself the walk if you didn’t want me here.”
“Why would I not want you here?”
Robyn shrugged as she made her way onto the elevator. Chris followed behind her then pressed the button for his floor.
“Did you think I was mad at you or something?”
“Or something.”
Chris chuckled. Within a few moments they were inside his condo, “hungry? Thirsty?”
“No, I ate before I came.”
“You really came to get down to business, huh?” Chris replied as he sat down on the couch across from her, “what do we need to talk about?”
“Everything you said when you were last at my house was right. And in hindsight, I’ve been very unfair and selfish towards you.”
“Robyn, I don’t think-”
“Please let me finish. I didn’t want to be in love with you even before I knew you were you. I didn’t want to still love you long before we ran into each other again. And I’m so frustrated that I can’t stop it. I can’t stop being happy when I see you. I can’t stop being happy when you call or come around. I can’t stop being happy having Anesa hug me or fall asleep in my lap. I want it to stop but I can’t help it. You’re right that I don’t want something serious but it's not because I don’t trust you. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to be strong enough to handle who you’ve become. You’re brash and honest and open and it makes me feel so damn inadequate. We’ve joked and you’ve been concerned that you’ve ruined me for somebody else but you really ruined me for you. Loving you and losing you broke me. It happening again is going to kill me and I don’t want to do that to you or to myself. I carry this weight of not feeling good enough, of not being strong enough. I don’t want to send you backwards. I don’t want to go backwards. I know that at some point, you’d leave and you’d be ok with that but I won’t.”
“I appreciate you telling me this but what does this change for our situation?”
“I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers.”
“Sweetheart, that’s all I needed to hear. If you don’t have all the answers, why are you asking all the questions? There are some things that we cannot control. You don’t think I worry about you eventually walking out on me. You don’t think I worry about going backwards emotionally. You literally take my breath away from me. These past few weeks have been immeasurably difficult to live without you but I’m not gonna force anything on you for the sake of my wellbeing. I want us to compromise and figure this out together. I want to be able to have uncomfortable conversations with you without fear of shutting down or us shutting each other out. We have a history, it's not going anywhere but we dictate what our future is going to be.”
“So what do you want from me, Christopher?”
“I want you to be ok with loving me. With being happy when you see me. With wanting to be a great mother to my daughter. I want you to feel adequate and enough. I can tell you, you are as much as I want but if you don't believe, what good will that do.”
“I can agree to that.”
“And what do you want from me, Robyn?”
“I just want you here.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it.”
“I can agree to that.”
“So what do we do now?”
“How about I start working on dinner for us and you help me?”
“What are we making?”
“Let’s check to see what we got.”
Chris held out his hand for Robyn to take as they both stood up to go towards the kitchen. Robyn stopped part of the way and pulled Chris towards her.
“Something wrong, Baby?”
“No. I just- thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I really didn’t do anything.”
“I do have to thank you. Really.”
“Why?”
“I’ll tell you later.”
Chris chuckled as he pulled her into a hug. He kissed her temple as he rubbed his hand along her back, “I love you, Robyn.”
“I love you too.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s here,” Anesa yelled as she looked through the front window. Chris got up from his seat on the couch and opened the front door just as Robyn went to stick her key in the lock. Anesa ran over and hugged her legs.
“Hey Love! How’s my girl?”
“I’m good. I missed you.”
“I missed you too, Sweets. You gotta let Mommy get into the house though.”
“Ooops, Sorry.”
Robyn giggled, “it’s ok.”
She turned to Chris and pecked his lips, “Hey Babe.”
“Hey. I thought you weren’t coming by until later.”
“My appointment finished up early so I figured I’d head this way now instead of wait.”
“Cool. Dinner isn’t quite finished yet.”
“That’s fine. I’ll just play around with Anesa until you’re done. Do you need me to help with anything?”
“Nope. I got it.”
“Ok. Come on Nesa Boo. Let’s find something to do until Daddy’s finished with dinner.”
Anesa grabbed Robyn’s hand and they left to the back of the house.
Chris smiled as he walked back to the kitchen. If you had told him six months ago, that Robyn would be back in his life, he would have thought he needed to be back in the hospital. Not only for her to be back around but to be exclusively in a relationship was really blowing his mind. It had only been a few weeks since she agreed to officially get back together but it had been long enough for him to realize he wanted to go all in with her again. The first time around may color how she sees marriage with him but he wanted to use as much time as he could to change her mind. It took a while to get used to Anesa calling her Mommy but she warmed up to it so maybe it’d work the same way for them planning a future together. Again.
“Christopher,” Robyn said in a sing-song voice as she walked into the kitchen, “you ok in here?”
“I’m good, Babe. You ok?”
“I’m great. Can I talk to you for a second?”
“Sure.”
“Did you say anything around Anesa about me moving in here?”
“No. Why? Did she say something to you?”
“Not in a direct way but she started talking about me being here with her when the social worker comes over.”
“Oh. Wow. Well I mentioned to her social worker that I was in a relationship during one of her visits but I made sure she was aware that you didn’t live here. I’m not sure why Anesa would say something like that.”
“Maybe we should talk about this Mommy thing, I think she’s taking it much more serious than we anticipated. I know we talked to her about it and that our relationship doesn’t mean marriage but I don’t think she’s old enough to understand what we do mean.”
“If the Mommy thing is making you uncomfortable, I have no problem dialing it back but as for anything else, I don’t think she’s really understanding what we mean no matter how many ways I explain it to her.”
“I’m not uncomfortable. I was serious about wanting to be a part of her life regardless of how we work out, I just don’t want it to give her the wrong idea.”
“Duly noted. I’ll talk to her tonight. Did you want wine or anything to drink with dinner?”
“No, I think water would be best.”
“Is something wrong?”
“I’ve just had these really weird dizzy moments and I don’t want to exacerbate them by drinking alcohol.”
“Have you been to the doctor?”
“Yea, I’m waiting on some test results to come back so I’ve just been being careful.”
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I would’ve brought dinner to you instead of having you drive up here.”
“It’s fine. They happen sporadically so I’m good. What you make for dinner?”
“Roasted cornish hens, baked potatoes and broccoli with cheese sauce. Are you ok to eat that?”
“Yea, that’s good. Sounds amazing.”
“Thanks. You know I’m gonna have you stay here and drive you back to the city myself, right?”
“For your tone after I said the word dizzy, the idea crossed my mind.”
Chris chuckled, “you sure you ok?”
Robyn nodded her head as Chris walked over to her and cupped her face, “why you looking at me like that.”
“I love you.”
“I know.”
Chris chuckled and shook his head, “you’re making me worry about you, you know.”
“I don’t want you to worry about me because there’s nothing to be worried about. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you about the dizzy thing.”
“See you can’t say stuff like that and not expect me to worry about, Robyn.”
Robyn smiled before she leaned up and kissed his lips, “Trust me, I am fine. If it is anything serious, I will let you know.”
“You promise?
“Baby, I promise.”
“Can I have another kiss?”
“You have as many as you want.”
Chris smiled then pecked her lips several times in succession, “I am so gonna enjoy you staying with us this weekend.”
“I can’t stay for the whole weekend.”
“Why?”
“I got people coming to my house.”
“Aww...you can’t cancel?”
“Nope, they are coming in from out of town.”
“Is it your family?”
“Yes and no.”
“And what does that mean?”
“Some of my relatives are coming but most of the people coming are colleagues. It’s a fundraising mixer for my shelter.
“Oh ok.”
“You sound disappointed.”
“No, it’s not that. I just wanted you to be able to stay longer, that’s all.”
“You’re welcome to come if you want.”
“Nah, I won’t have anyone to watch Anesa. It’s fine.”
Chris moved towards the stove and Robyn felt this chill come over the room.
“Chris, are you upset with me?”
“What? No. Why would I be?”
“I don’t know. I just feel like I offended you for some reason.”
“It’s nothing. You ready to eat?”
“I’m ready for you to talk to me. Chris, look at me.”
Chris turned around and leaned against the counter beside the stove, “there’s really nothing to discuss.”
“I hurt your feelings or something. I can see it in your eyes. Baby, talk to me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about the event before?”
“Because it’s a work thing so I wasn’t even thinking about it like that. I do this every year since I opened the shelter. Why is it bothering you so much?”
“It feels like we’re a secret sometimes.”
“Why do you feel like that? My family knows we’re together. My friends know. We spend all our time together. What makes this feel like a secret?”
“People knowing and us actually being a couple around them are two completely separate things.”
“Chris, if my family was here, we’d be at their house for Sunday dinner and parties like we used to be but that’s not the case. It's not like my parents are here and I’m just keeping you away from them.”
“I understand that.”
“Sweetie, you have their contact information, you can speak with them at any time. You do not need me to play go-between. It’s not like they hate you or anything.”
“I guess.”
“Is that what it is? You’re afraid to reach out to them?”
“Robyn.”
“Chris, the questions will be asked at some point especially if we continue becoming more serious. We were married before, we can’t avoid it.”
“I’m not trying to.”
“So what is it? Do you really need me there as a buffer?”
“No but I would like for us to be together as a unit.”
“What makes us not a unit? We’re always together. Chris, what is it you really want from me?”
“Forever.”
“You want to get married again? So soon?”
“It’s not soon for me. We’re not completely starting from square one. I’ve never denied being in love with you and wanting you to be a part of my life. I know it’s only been a few weeks since you told me that you loved me but I don't wanna waste any more time with this.”
“What’s the rush? I’m not going anywhere. You’re not going anywhere. Why can’t we just enjoy the exclusivity for now?”
“We are enjoying it.”
“So what is the problem? Are you afraid I’m gonna walk away at some point? Marriage isn’t gonna assuage the fear and we both know that better than anybody. I committed to being with you again. I committed to being in love with you. I committed to moving forward but I cannot make you do the same. I cannot pretend that taking this slow isn’t the best way for us because I believe it is. The novelty has worn off. Reality has settled in and we have to get comfortable with who we are before we can really start talking about who we wanna be. I spent over ten years getting to know the old you. I deserve more than a few months to learn the new you as well. That’s only fair.”
“You’re right.”
“I am not saying that I would never marry you but I just want the space to get there on my own.”
“Which is only right. My apologies.”
“Maybe we shouldn’t do this as much anymore.”
“What?”
“The staying over at each other’s houses and stuff. I feel like I’m giving you the wrong impression.”
“It’s nothing that you’re doing. It’s just me getting ahead of myself, that’s all. I know where you stand on the issue and I’ll adjust accordingly. No harm. No foul.”
“Chris, I don’t want to hold yourself back from what you want to do.”
“I have no interest in ever marrying anyone except for you so I will wait as long as you want.”
“Don’t say things like that.”
“Why?”
“Because I can’t pretend to be mad at you when you do.”
Chris laughed, “why would you want to be mad at me?”
“Because you weren’t being honest with me. I usually don’t have to dig for you to tell me what you’re feeling. I don’t like that.”
“You are correct. And I do apologize. I just didn’t want to freak you out which apparently didn’t work anyway.”
Robyn chuckled, “is dinner ready yet?”
“Yea. Can you get Anesa?”
“Sure. You sure you’re ok?”
“Yea, I’m good.”
Robyn’s brow furrowed as she walked over to him, gently cradled his chin and kissed him deeply. She pulled back and gave him two pecks before smiling up at him, “better?”
“Definitely better.”
Robyn laughed as she left out of the kitchen.
Chris pulled on his pajama pants and sat on the side of the bed just as Robyn walked out of the bathroom with her towel wrapped around her. She carefully dried off her skin, set the towel aside then started to put on lotion. As she rubbed her hands across her belly, Chris noticed something odd.
“Robyn?”
“Yea Babe?” She replied as she clasped the front of her bra closed.
“You said earlier that you’ve felt dizzy and stuff.”
“Yea? What about it?”
“Are you pregnant?”
“What? Why would you ask me that?”
Chris walked over to her and took her to stand in front of the mirror, “I have very limited knowledge of this but look.”
Robyn looked and even twisted her body around then turned to Chris, “I don’t know what you’re seeing but I don’t see anything. What makes you think I’m pregnant?”
“Your skin just looks very taunt over your belly, it doesn’t look like it normally does and you haven’t lost any weight or gained any added muscle in that area.”
“Chris, what are you saying?”
“Your stomach looks hard.”
“Does it feel hard?”
Chris carefully ran his palm across her belly and nodded, “yes, it does.”
“It doesn’t feel any different to me.”
“Did the doctor give you a pregnancy test?”
“Well no. They don’t normally do that for signs of vertigo besides we are sparingly sexually active and we use condoms every time. I had no reason to suspect pregnancy. Also I’m over 40 years old.”
“That doesn’t really mean as much as it used to.”
“You think I should get a pregnancy test?”
“I really do.”
Robyn sighed, “well if you think so, I’ll have my doctor give me one at my next appointment.”
“When is that?”
“It’s next week.”
“You think you’ll be ok until then?”
“Yea. There’s nothing really to be concerned about. I haven’t been drinking. I don’t smoke or anything else harmful so I’ll be fine until then.”
“Would you like me to come with you?”
“That’s sweet but not necessary.”
“I feel like I should.”
“I really don’t want to make this a big deal until it has to be.”
“Are you ok if you are?”
“Sure. I don’t have anything against having children. I just rather not get too far ahead of myself. With my age and everything, there could be a lot of things wrong with these symptoms. I can handle it.”
“You sure you don’t want me to go with you?”
“I’m very sure. I will call afterwards and we’ll talk but I’d rather do it by myself.”
“Ok.”
