#chompingshit

this turning from a 1k little blurb to a 3k Thing was not what i had in mind but i really did have to round it out with the Actual Taping happening at the end. was tempted to just leave it at their conversation but like. no.

the main focus is really just like. the trying. the effort and banging at the metal bars of your mind and barriers that keep you from moving forward. it's suffocating, but that lightheadedness feels nice, sometimes.

grappling with indecision, comfortability and vulnerability. as i tagged in the fic...the inherent intimacy of patience means sooo much to me. it's gentle, it's not rushed, really—it acknowledges that there's still so. much. time. to do what you want. to live how you want.

although im kinda waxing poetics here and the fic uses a lot of action instead of metaphors, i hope that through those actions, these poetics were implied. there's so much that goes into the act of "coming out" that isn't just saying it, but being it and letting yourself be it.

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i'm not christian/catholic so i have no point of reference for religious guilt actually but i can imagine. with my Mind. writing can work that way i think.

that's why the references to it are scarce, but there, because it's will smith catholic and not adding them is lowkey a sin. i also…like know how guilt manifests. the hard part is not figuring out how to write guilt. catholic guilt is very specific, though, and i'm quite scared that i don't truly have enough knowledge to capture that experience. i'm not never gonna write catholic guilt fics, but that's just not something in my wheelhouse atm so i have to do some research about it.

not to say i'm not religious, because that would be inaccurate and a disservice to my beliefs, but im buddhist and its lowkey chill cuz they never say anything about gay people in writing and stuff. #liveandletgo #nirvana or something like that idfk. don't think about it too hard.

aaaand we've reached the star of the show, aka the thing i've been wanting to talk about since i started writing the fic.

i wanted to include more about will's tape job and how it reminded me of this scene in ouran high school host club where kyoya's painting is confined, and then we back up to see his painting stretched beyond the canvas, in big rainbow coloring of a blooming flower. i was, of course, thinking about will in the same regard—enough show that it's presentable, but deep down, you just want to say fuck all and let love win and you're just so tired of being caged. i thought that the two events were similar! i don't think i really emphasized it as well as i wanted to (that feeling of pride BURSTING through, its a mehh part towards the end), but i'm satisfied enough with how i ended it that i don't wanna go in and change much. who knows, maybe i'll just write another iteration or a drabble of an alt ending or something like that.

and of course i had to reference the clip going around recently of mack just like not knowing at all what indoctrinated and formative meant. he's so funny. and a little stupid. please read more books. hey wsh, make mack read more books.

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speech things

Will shakes his head, clears his throat of the tears that won't stop coming up. "I wanna match with you, Mack," he croaks out, his voice hoarse from trying not to choke up and cry.

smit's tone in this part is kinda inspired by nathan mackinnon telling sidney crosby "you, man" when crosby asks who mackinnon likes watching or appreciating or whatever. it's very gentle and almost matter-of-fact, like he's kinda saying there's no one else it could be, what a ridiculous question. of course i wanna match with you, mack. how else am i supposed to do this? alone? that's out of the question.

i repeat this is again ABOUT THE TONE. whether nathan mackinnon is whipped for sidney crosby is a DIFFERENT STORY (that i wont get into because i do not care enough rn #sorrynotsorry #onetrackmind)

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hockey guys also talk so…so slow. and choppy, with short sentences. and repeat their signature catchphrases SO MUCH ("brutal," for one). or during media they'll answer the question by rephrasing the question in answer form and then say little to nothing in terms of insights.

"how did you feel when you and your teammate kept turning the puck and what might that say about your game tonight?" "yeah, uhhh well, we turned over the puck and obviously it wasn't great but we just tried to play a good game tonight and fell short."

"we turned over the puck" question repackaged

"obviously it wasn't great" when has turning over the puck ever been Good

"we just tried to play a good game tonight" that should be happening every night + another part of the question repackaged

"and fell short" well yeah, you lost the fucking game

i made the quotes up, but don't tell me you haven't heard post-game media questions asked and answered exactly like that before.

okay that's a different topic that i have my gripes over. my real point is, i tried to make will and mack's conversation/dialogue smoother than what we usually see through media/interviews/podcasts because it's supposed to show that they're soooo comfortable with each other. like how are you guys velcro'd to each other forever and ever. what exactly can you guys talk about this much. of course the little quips and stilted sentences are still there, and i emphasize this through their inner thoughts, but each sentence adds to the conversation instead of pauses it, or at least i hope so.

i've been interested in hockey player linguistics recently and its tearing my skull apart, clearly.

ermmm ok yeah that's it! thank u for reading this far if you did. these are mainly just notes for me and whoever else is interested because i have so many thoughts about things that don't always manifest themselves into the actual fic properly and i want to make sure i get out everything i want to say. let me know! what you think! if you so please!

i think im getting better at the formatting thing for stuff like this. trying to add dividers so my ideas are clearer and contained. づ￣3￣）づ❤️～

last but not least:

i don't know how it ended up being 4.5k words ok we don't talk about it

the original idea was just going to be willmack interacting with puppies ft. the toffolis+wennbergs simple as that, but as i was writing i got into the idea of mack wanting to be cautious with the puppies and then that gets into mack's psychological state of being and his Immense Guilt for Everything and blaming a lot of things on himself (that post blues game interview from 03/26…) so . you get this...dealing with his heavy blame through the lense of little mack feeling so so guilty for even trying to be in the same vicinity of the pups in the first place!!!

me when the littlespace fic becomes a mack study

there was a big focus on Big Emotions and how they affect mack who experiences them a lot (crashout celebrini being a Thing...mack breaking his stick however many times...rick saying mack was "insconsolable" after the olympics…the infamous Windshield Incident) so it was fun exploring what would cause that build up when he's Little and how those behaviors mirror Big mack because i really like when littles mirror their big selves yes yesyessssssughhghhh this is exactly what i ordered 🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔 (i placed the order and made the burger and now i'm eating it like okayy)

me at the little!wm restaurant

yes his reasoning seems unsensible about him being big and hurting the baby animals but also he's literally mentally 4 years old are we expecting sensibility from a 4 year old. Actually on that note too many people expect kinda high levels of sensibility and maturity from a 19 year old but i digress. i was 19 just a few months ago #IKNOWWHATITSLIKE #IWANNABREAKASTICKONAGOALPOSTTOO #RE:OTTAWASENATORSNIGHTWHENWELOST7-4

a concept i really love a lot and often is when a little acknowledges how big they are and don't feel little enough. this isn't exactly that but it's in a similar vein. yay to the toffolis and the wennbergs for helping little mack navigate his Big Emotions ♡

will vs mack for the past two fics

ill make will go through the horrors someday #hurtcomfortwarrior

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wording is always something really tricky too, especially for little kids. i said something similar in response to a comment on my earlier fic but i'm always thinking about how to write little kids speaking and i rework the dialogue all the time and read it in my head constantly. like mack talking to cat,, i had to change tenses and shortened words and things cuz i was like Ok a toddler might not say

"I can't control it and I would've broken the baby doggy and felt so bad, Catcat."

like erm no chomping that's not how kids speak. especially the "would've." instead maybe like this

"I can't control it and 'm gonna break the baby doggy 'n feel so bad, Catcat."

read this in my head, that sounds better. kids are really present grounded and action forward, ("gonna" instead of "would've") and i don't think little!mack's vocab would include that kind of subjunctive stuff yet. addiitonally, mack's blubbering here and running his sentence so we gotta shorten some words too so he trips up some words!

i still dont really like how mack says "i can't control it" but that "i" stretching into a whine is the angle im exploring with that. same with the dialogue willmack have at the end, but i think its okay. gotta have personal pronouns sometimes i guess.

additionally: little!mack pauses and "ums" and "uhs" and shortens his words a lot because he does all those irl 😭😭 and those behaviors are just so cute to me huhuuu. sometimes its like wow mack attend a comms class and sometimes its like mackyyy aigoo kyeoptarangggg i adore mack. #ilovemack :(

thanks for reading this far if you do. i did not intend for either of these things (fic or notes) to be this long but i really do just like talking about my writing and i haven't been able to really do it like this before. hope these notes were fun to read! they were a Joy to write, clearly.