I fell in love with a war
That morning, Soobin and his parents were on a trip for one of their usual Sunday outings. At the time, the boy was only eight years old and had a great desire to discover the world. That's why he had wandered off that day. The vegetation was thick and he had gotten lost in the woods.
“Your curiosity will get you into a lot of trouble,” his mother had told him one day, scolding him, when he had looked at the teachers' report cards at school, getting a bad note in the register. But what could Soobin do? He was simply a curious child, with a great desire to discover! Except that that day, in fact, he had gotten lost. He could no longer find his parents, even though the woods had various paths specifically to ensure that lost explorers could find their way back.
But Soobin was not an adult, nor an explorer. So he burst into tears, calling out to his parents at the top of his lungs.
- Mom! Dad! - he shouted, but no one could hear him. Soobin was a curious child. And he was also a very distracted child, because he hadn't even realized that he was disturbing, with his screams, someone who, a little further ahead, was... dancing.
Soobin stopped crying, attracted by that music that he hadn't realized he had heard even a little while before, too busy crying and calling for his parents. He hid behind a tree, looking from behind the trunk. When you're a child, everything is purer. He didn't realize he was spying on the boy who was dancing in the middle of the woods, because he was simply an eight-year-old child. For him, he was just admiring him, attracted by that music and those graceful and agile movements.
The music was pressing and was played by an old black radio, placed on the branch of a tree. But the real protagonist of the scene was the dancer, who was dancing undisturbed, as if no one was watching him. The leaves moved beneath him, as did the earth, in a dance that seemed to include all the elements of nature. He moved his thin arms in the air, letting the air move, light and delicate movements, exactly as they were supposed to be. Soobin wondered how he hadn’t heard him. How he hadn’t stopped when he heard his screams. Until he heard the last notes of the song and everything became clearer to him. The boy stopped, catching his breath. Soobin thought he had to dance again, but he saw him take the radio in his hands and turn it off.
- Look, I know you’re there. I’m not stupid.
Soobin felt his cheeks heat up and hid even more behind the trunk.
- Come on, come out! Coward.
Soobin let his head pop out of the trunk and looked at the dancer with obvious embarrassment. - I’m sorry. You’re just good.
- I’m good, that’s a fact. That you are a spy too. - The boy ran his hands over his shorts, shaking the dirt off them. - I'm Yeonjun. - he said, holding out his right hand to him.
Then, Soobin slipped out of the tree, clasping that bony hand with his own. - Soobin.
Before Yeonjun could open his mouth to speak, Soobin heard his name being shouted.
- Soobin! Soobin! Oh, thank God! - His parents. His parents had come back to get him, they had found him. His mom picked him up, giving him a big kiss on the cheek. - My darling! We found you!
While Yeonjun felt like crying.
- You never told me about your parents, Hyung. - Soobin took a drag from the joint, before passing it to Yeonjun. It was Yeonjun who had given him the habit of soft drugs. Yeonjun, being a dancer, should have been virtuous and respectful of the rules, but if we all reasoned with “ifs” and “buts” we would never get out of it. - Even that day, in the woods. You were alone. You were only nine years old.
They were now twenty-four and twenty-three and had been friends for a lifetime. A little more than friends, maybe. At least for Soobin. Soobin loved Yeonjun. He loved his pink and full lips, he loved watching him dance, he loved his thin face, he loved his lithe body. He loved everything about him. And he loved it when they went to bed together, after drugs. He loved it a little less when Yeonjun got pissed off.
- There’s nothing to say. - Yeonjun let out a puff of smoke from his lips.
- Weird. You always have so much to say.
- I said there’s nothing to say, Soobin. And I’m high.
They were standing outside Yeonjun's balcony, which was always free since his parents were practically a mystery. Soobin's house was off limits. If his parents found out he was taking cannabinoids they would probably go nuts. Anyway, Yeonjun lived alone, in a fairly large house too, since he was able to earn a nice nest egg with his dancing. And now they were smoking a joint. And then they would wait a bit and then smoke another one and so on.
Yeonjun sighed. - My parents were so poor that the social workers took me away from my family. We lived in the mud. They didn’t have a job. They didn’t clean the house. They didn’t feed me. And they didn’t send me to school. I was illiterate until I was nine. Until the social workers found me. - he stopped to take a drag on the joint. - That’s it. That’s what you need to know.
Soobin listened while looking down. He had no idea what was right and wrong about that whole thing. - Do you miss them?
- No. They spent their time yelling at each other and yelling swear words at me. They said I was the child of the devil.
- I don’t want your pity.
- I wasn’t going to pity you. I just… I don’t understand. Maybe because I’ve never been through a situation like this. I’ve been loved by my parents since I was a child, you know. It’s awful to hear that from you.
Yeonjun shrugged. - Well, I guess everyone has a different fate, right?
- But why you? You don’t deserve it. - Soobin moved closer to Yeonjun, wrapping his arms around his hips. He could feel his breath on his nose.
- No one deserves anything. Life isn’t a merit. It’s a collection of coincidences.
- You think it’s a coincidence that we met?
- Yes. No. Damn, I’m just so high. - Yeonjun raised himself up on his toes to drop a kiss on Soobin’s lips, who lightly caressed his brown hair.
- It can’t be a coincidence. Because I’ve loved you for fifteen fucking years, Jun.
- Measure your words carefully. - They spoke into each other’s lips, breath against breath.
- I’m measuring them really well.
- No one ever told me they loved me.
- Then why do you say these things to me?
- Because I think about them, Hyung.
- What if tomorrow you forget about them?
- We'll think about it tomorrow.
Soobin woke up early and with a bad headache, like every time after a session of "recreation", as they called it. Yeonjun was sleeping next to him. He breathed softly against his hair, holding him close, legs tangled, arms folded under the pillow. Even when he was asleep, Soobin found him beautiful. His big eyes were closed, his thick lips were half open. Soobin allowed himself the concession of kissing him, and immediately felt him sniff, while he ran a hand over his tired eyes. The younger boy smiled, caressing his cheek. - Good morning.
- You're a kind word, even in the morning.
- Your breath stinks. - Yeonjun sighed, turning away. Soobin felt slightly offended by that statement, but continued to cuddle his friend, stroking his hair. - Yours is no joke either.
- We overdid it yesterday with the smoke.
Soobin laughed, wrapping his arms around Yeonjun's hips. - You overdid it. You rolled the joints.
He watched Yeonjun turn around in his arms again, his eyes closed. He held him tighter, stroking his back. - Do you remember anything from yesterday?
- I told you about my family.
Yeonjun opened his eyes, before sighing.
- No, it's not that… - the dancer shook his head. - It's not that I didn't want to. It just took me ages to tell you. I'm sorry
Soobin frowned. - Are you sorry? For what?
Yeonjun simply moved against his chest, sighing again. - I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I was ashamed. I wish I had a family like yours. I was jealous of you. Of your mother, of your father. Of your relationship, basically. I never had a real family, not even when I had one. My mother was an alcoholic who was too tired to cuddle me or tell me stories when she came home, and my father, he... Well, he just wasn't there. He sat in his room drinking beer all day, and if I dared to disturb him, he'd yell at me. He told me I should never have been born.
Soobin didn't say anything. He just kept holding him.
- Do you still think about the things you said to me yesterday?
- Hyung, I think about them even more than yesterday, now that I'm sober. Now that I look at you without the fog in my eyes. And I'm sorry for everything you've had to go through. I love you. That was it.
Yeonjun smiled. The most beautiful smile in the world, for Soobin. He had fallen in love with that smile since they were kids, when he saw him smirk at his fall from his bike at nine years old. Soobin's family had taken him to heart, even when social workers had taken him away from his parents. Since then, Yeonjun had lived in a foster home. But Soobin and his family had visited him often, taking him on trips with them, letting him dance in the woods just like the first time they met. And Yeonjun was grateful to them.
- And you? Do you love me, Jun?
Yeonjun thought for a moment before answering. - I think so. I mean, I love you like two people in love love each other. But “love” is a hard word for me, you know? I’ve never been loved. No one has ever taught me what love is, except you. It’s a strong word. If you ask me if I’m in love with you, I’ll say yes, I am. But… - he paused briefly to clear his throat. - You know, it’s complicated.
- There’s nothing simpler than love.
- For you, maybe. For me, there’s nothing more complicated.
- Yeonjun, I’m not good at anything. I’m not good at dancing, I’m not good at singing, I’m terrible at anything.
- Let me finish. I’ve never felt like I was capable of doing anything. But loving you? I’m very good at that. I wake up in the morning and I love you. I go to sleep and I love you. I've just never been as good at anything as loving someone. And if that someone is you, I get even better at it.
Yeonjun took a deep breath, listening. He dropped a kiss on Soobin's lips, stroking his hair. - Let's go get breakfast.
