#choics

Whoa Bessie

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James wakes at 2 am, a mess of sweat and spit and hair.  He rolls over, pulling the quilt over Steve’s snoring body, then yanks it clean off the bed and onto the floor.  

“Buck?”  Steve blinks blearily.  “You ok?”  

But James’s three steps ahead of him, stumbling across the dimly lit room toward the ensuite.

“Fine,” James mumbles, though he isn’t at all sure what the fire in his chest wants him to do tonight.  He’s shaking off images of dead Taliban, burning car parts.  The taste of burning oil mingles ever so slightly with the summery stenches of his own bodily secretions.  His musk, his bile, his blood...

James gags hard and stop at the sink, which is closer.  He expects it to be a one-off.  Gag, get a little out, maybe cough a few times rinse up, go back, to bed, pretend nothing happened.  That sort of thing.  He doesn’t expect himself to truly be sick.

“It’s ok.”  Steve takes him by the waist and hauls James the four feet or so from sink to toilet, vomit trailing from his lip to his chin, across the counter, onto the floor, and up again onto the pristine white toilet seat.  “I got you.”

James just coughs.  “I wanna--go back to bed--”

“Get it out of your system first.”

“Ugh.”  It’s not like he has any choice, really.  And that’s what James hates most about it.  It’s like he’s a prisoner again, this time to his own body.  He sputters, trying desperately to spit before his stomach’s quite finished heaving.

“Hey, be calm.”  Steve rubs his back in long strokes.  “I got you.”

James sighs, letting his jaw hang open.  “...K...”  He lets his body slacken in Steve’s grip.  “’M tired.”

“I know.”  Steve lifts James’s damp hair off the back of his neck.  “It’s gonna be ok.  We’ll get you cleaned up, then you can go back to sleep.”

choices as netflix original series              ↳ IT LIVES IN THE WOODS

where it was the scene

and something as the mystery

and pulled as its own even

as its own use

and bother

and time

as its own use

and force

as its own length

and wait as its own use

and before

and hope

as its own seeking

and aspect

as its own willing

and around

as its own felt as above

and whom as its own secure

and science

and time

as part

Deflation has entered my mind, it’s not a comforting feeling that is for sure.  It’s bewildering, confusing and making you feel almost utterly unresponsive.  The thing about this feeling is that no one has anything to me personally.  It’s more my own response to people’s Apathy.  Make no mistake, Apathy is the disease that is destroying not just America as a country but the World.

People are so caught up in their own lives that they have a genuine lack of concern for what going to in the world around them.  Or they don’t know how to fix what’s going and they can’t find the time to do something about it.   

Over the past year, I’ve providentially found a number of songs that talks about seeing the problem and then fixing that problem.  One of these songs is “Fix my eyes” by For King and Country and the other of these songs is “DO Something” by Matthew West.  Both songs address Fixing the problems you see, but sadly the people that I know, either don’t see the problem , they do and they don’t care, they see it and don’t know how to fix it or see the problem  and can help fix it but somehow don’t have time to help fix it. 

I think that people just cling to your own lives and are unwilling to come to the end of themselves.  They are unwilling to help because they are scared and have a small view of God. 

I admit sometimes it’s hard not to have a small view of God, but God owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  He hung the earth perfectly where we are.  I pray a lot more than I ever had in the past, why, because things matter, people matter.  Sometimes it can seem like I’m asking for the impossible stuff of God, but nothing is impossible for God.  

Mark Batterson has said, “ the greatest tragedy in life is the prayers that go UNANSWERED because they go UNASKED.”

I believe that whole heartily, you with not get 100% of thing you don’t ask for.

I totally could go to the gym rn

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